Guys, I don't think I am hiding this breakdown well. I hate to be "that" person, but if anyone reads this I need some encouragement.
I am feeling so hopeless, and I don't think I am hiding it well. I got to work and am not sure how many people I talked to, but I looked in the mirror and realized I had a smear of dried blood on my nose from where I had picked at a spot. No one said anything, so thank god I looked. Then later at dinner time I was sitting sadly and eating popcorn because I was nauseous and nothing else sounded good. One of the lab techs was leaving and said goodbye. Then she paused and asked how I was doing and if everything was ok. I hardly see or talk to her, so I feel I must look like shit for her to ask. I just said I was tired and it had been a long week. Then after she left, I started crying while eating my damn popcorn.
I am such a mess. It all feels so hopeless. I threw up at work tonight and had chest pains. I really feel like I might kill myself, but I am trying not to. I almost called my mom just to hear her voice. I ended up texting a friend. I just don't know how to dig my way out of this hole. I don't see a hope of future. I am just going through the motions. I have to work tomorrow and am debating calling in sick because I don't know how much longer I can pretend to be a functional human being. I can't even check my email or voicemail. This really feels like a breakdown, but I don't know what to do. Hospital never seems to help. I considered asking to stay with my parents for a few days. I am still considering it. I need some reminder that I am wanted in this world. Currently, I am relying on my cats. I need someone to help me sort out my life. I am honestly considering asking my mom to pretend to be me and make some phone calls to sort out bills because I am too scared to talk on the phone. I just can't even do basic things anymore, and I am ashamed to admit how bad it is. I don't even know where to start.
So I am starting with this. If you have any words of encouragement, I need them. If you have any advice, I need it. Because I can't keep this up much longer. I am so tired and hopeless. I am not actively suicidal, but I don't really see any other way for this to end and don't know what to do. I hate to be that person seeking attention, but I am so tired and so scared and don't know how it got so bad.
It's okay to need attention. Most everybody does! I read your blog and never comment because I don't know what to say, but it sounds like it's time to stop that nonsense and let you know that some stranger on the internet is rooting for you. Please reach out to your family or someone outside of work! Everything you've written about them makes it sound like they will help you however they can.
ReplyDeleteI know it sounds cheesy and you've probably heard/thought it a thousand times before, but even taking a tiny step is a step in the right direction.
I hope you pull through this. Please don't give up!
-Emily
Thank you. I seriously cried reading this. I am really trying not to give up.
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