Rehab?

So my therapist is really pushing me to look into going to a residential treatment program. I told her how hopeless it all seems. I mentioned how sick I have been. I threw up three times at work Tuesday and again walking to my car. Tonight I threw up in my parent's driveway because I am just too stupid to understand that I can no longer expect to make it home before I get sick. I have zero energy because I am living off vodka and pedialyte basically.

I am considering it. There's 2 places she is recommending. One is in Texas but it's a minimum of 45 days and then the person she knows that works there mentioned their center in Florida which is 30 days. It is not in network for my insurance but he told her if my out of network benefits would pay, he would treat it like it was in network. She is trying to get me a scholarship to cover any cost. I just don't know if I can get the time off work. I have no pto left but I still have some medical leave. I don't know how much or how understanding they will be since I have taken so much already. I would rather go somewhere closer, but she had a good point that I only really made progress on the bulimia when I went away to residential and that was in another state. I did rehab once but that facility was really a waste of time. Therapy was mostly lectures. They didn't even have a psychiatrist, and they were aware that I purged every meal and only recommended I sit with other patients after meals. So yeah, not going back there.

The other option is another detox, but my last couple attempts at psych wards have been borderline traumatic because of incompetent staff and scary patients. Plus obviously, it didn't work. I just got worse when I went home.

So it's something to think about. I would need to discuss it with work because a big factor is knowing that I will have a job when I get out. In the meantime, I am just trying to survive. I still am reciting Hamlet in my head. Tonight's appropriate lines "Thus conscience does make cowards of us all, and thus the native hue of resolution is sicklied o'er the pale cast of thought" because thought is definitely not my friend. I probably just need to just go. That's how it pretty much worked when I went to Remuda. I just called and set up the intake and a few weeks later was on a plane to Arizona.

I did actually talk a little to my parents about it. That was awkward. I had told them my stomach was upset because I knew I couldn't eat much at dinner. Then I mostly just said that my therapist was looking at rehab.