So I am having pretty much the worst day.
If you read my last post, you will know that I am really struggling with depression and suicidal thoughts. So I really did not fucking need this.
I get to work and am told that people on more than 10% qc are no longer allowed to close reruns. The manager then says that because of some errors on my qc cases I am back to 100%. So I am basically useless. She says that while giving me one of her soul piercing stares because I am trying to hold back tears and curled up in my chair. She says that I need to not take this as a negative thing (like how? WTF?). She asks if I am OK and I mumble something about having not been doing well.
I go about what work I can do. My supervisor offers to send me home because really I can't do anything without anyone checking it, so everything I do is pointless. I try to tell her I feel useless and leave after some crying.
Now it feels like the one thing in my life that I was doing OK at is gone, and I am trying so hard to see a point in living. I went to Walmart and bought popsicles and razor blades, but I haven't used them. I am currently drinking in bed. I don't know tomorrow if I should tell the manager more about what is going on because I know if I am fully honest with anyone they will think I need to be in hospital. I probably do, but it seems pointless. The last few stays just made things worse. I don't want to worry them, but people should worry? Because I don't see any way out of this. I truly believe if I lose this job I will kill myself. I don't know how much longer I can keep functioning. My life is in shambles. I just want out. I just want to be someone else. For now, I am drinking and trying not to think. I didn't need this. I don't know how long I can pretend to function. I don't know how to tell them how bad it has gotten. I don't even know how to comprehend how bad it has gotten. I only apparently know how to drink and sleep.
Words of encouragement or advice are welcome. I am failing at life.
It's so easy for me to sit here thousands of miles away and say "please, get some help," but that's all I can offer. Reading this makes me so worried for you, because I have seen what depression and especially combined with alcohol can do to people. I think you should talk to your supervisor, or even manager, and tell her that you are really not coping with work as it is right now and see if she can't offer some sort of help or back-up or something, anything.
ReplyDeleteI know you don't want to go inpatient because it does suck, but you need something to help you cope. I don't want you to suffer this much. You deserve better than this. You deserve life.
Thank you. I do realize I need more help. I seriously considered talking to the manager today. Maybe Friday. I think I am sort of mentally preparing for going inpatient again because it does seem inevitable. I just want to plan for it and not just randomly go because if I don't want it, it won't help.
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