Doctors

I don't really remember if I wrote about this and am too lazy to go look. I have been sick for a few days. I am guessing a stomach virus, but I was already having stomach problems.. so who knows. I kept no food down Tuesday. Yesterday I managed a few popsicles.

I love my parents. I was supposed to go to  their house for dinner, but I emailed my mom that basically I couldn't drive that far on so little food and sleep. I kept getting dizzy. I managed to go buy pedialyte and cat food, but I could tell my legs were shaking too much to be driving. I ended up asking if they would come have dinner near me because today they're leaving for vacation and I really wanted to see them. They not only drove what is nearly an hour to have dinner. They offered to drive me to my psychiatrist appointment and to the pharmacy to get my meds. I know I am sometimes critical of my parents, but I do know they honestly care.

My psychiatrist.. not that sure about. He seems to be a genuinely nice person, but he just has this way of occasionally saying really tactless things. The first that bothered me was when he asked if I talk about the cutting on my blog. I really should never mention having a blog (nobody I know in regular life knows the title or anything else) to people because it really is not his business what I write about.

The second was when I was talking about work. He actually asked if I think they're trying to get rid of me. Yes, I have thought that.. but what psychiatrist would say that? He also basically suggested my job is the problem. He said he thinks I need to go back to the hospital. He asked if they did fire me would I qualify for unemployment. Then he told me stories about various people he knew who had liver problems (obviously to scare me). He told me I am very stubborn with a lot of denial. While I do not disagree, it wasn't the best way to say it.

Today I have my GP appointment. I am not looking forward to it. I really am not in denial. I know I have a lot of scary shit going on. I know I should be in the hospital. I know that liver failure is a horrible way to die. So I don't particularly want to go. I also cannot find my discharge folder from the hospital, so I am scared it will be days or weeks before I know how bad it is. I think they may be in my car somewhere. I am really not sure if I want to know because it isn't likely to make getting sober easier. It just means being scared. I am scared. I have started praying again. I bought a rosary bracelet (and on a lighter note had to tell my cat not to eat the virgin Mary because he started chewing on it). I am not unaware of reality. I just don't know how to fix it. Every possible step seems impossible.

I don't know. For now I am going back to sleep. I still am struggling to keep down food. For those of you who have eating disorders, you will understand how significant this is. I bought boost supplement drinks (and not the low calorie ones) because I am legitimately trying to get nutrition. I at least hope I can beg the doctor for something for nausea because I still keep getting dizzy and every part of my body aches. I keep imagining every food I want, but after my failed attempt at a salad last night.. not sure I am brave enough for more than popsicles and pedialyte

I will update about the doctor later