Off days

I am struggling. I feel my posts are becoming redundant, but I don't know where else to say this.

I felt almost targeted in the meeting at work today. The supervisors talked about coming to them if we have a bad day or something going on that is affecting our speed. They said we should talk to them so if someone questions our metrics they know why we might be slow. I then spent the night debating talking to mine because I am just not doing well.

I am suicidal, but I don't want to go to hospital. I am not handling life. I don't check my email or voicemail. I need to call my insurance over a claim that wasn't paid. I have debt collectors calling over some hospital bill I can afford to pay but just can't bring myself to talk on the phone. I am basically failing at functioning.

Wednesday I had planned to go to lunch and target and the pet store. I only managed lunch and then went home and slept most of the day. I did manage to go to therapy Thursday and stopped at Whole Foods. My parents were out of town mother's Day, so I bought belated gifts. I managed the scary task of going to the bakery and asking for some mini cheesecakes. The man was actually super nice and gave me an extra for free. I also bought her a plant that she really liked. I had intended on flowers, but a plant lasts longer. The cashier seemed to be glaring at me, but I survived the whole thing. I feel very pathetic for how hard simple tasks have become. Like I planned for 2 or 3 days to buy groceries but simply couldn't. I did laundry yesterday, and it is still in my car because I don't know if I have enough energy to carry it.

Why do I even bother living if I can't buy groceries or carry my laundry? What is the point? I try to fix my thoughts on my parents and my cats. I have always been afraid that my cats might end up in a shelter if I die. I doubt my parents would do that, but there is still fear. I would hate for them to die because no one adopted them and that's how shelters are. I also try so hard to think of my family and how they would have to deal with my death for the rest of their lives. I am really trying to remember it is not about me.

So I am sorry for being repetitive. I am just trying so hard to stay alive.