Thus conscience does make cowards of us all

Thus conscience does make cowards of us all..

I am quickly becoming suicidal again. I am not coping well.

Work was... drama today. I don't do well with drama.

Monday and Tuesday there are less people working. The analyst that works morning has been rather stressed and communicated this to me. Today the assistant supervisor left without doing some tasks he said he would do. After trying to sort this out, she told me about how this person has basically bragged about getting another analyst fired. My supervisor became involved in the discussion, which was basically her fear he might target her if she complains. My supervisor (who should know better) mentions how this person asked while I was on medical leave if I had left. I know this is a fairly benign question, but I am nervous about anything said about me being gone unexpectedly. I am also constantly afraid of being fired because I have seen so many people fired.

So I wasn't able to hide my anxiety well. I have started biting my nails in addition to picking at my face. At some point my supervisor asks if I am OK, and I said yes (while biting my nails). She decided we should talk because obviously I wasn't. I tried to explain that I can't handle drama and gossip. I also don't like the fear that anyone might be targeted for being fired. I hate how the whole atmosphere at this company can become fear. I have gone through this before and I had hoped when she became supervisor it would be better. I am being pressured by her to go to the manager about some things with the other supervisor. I am getting the stress passed on from the analyst on his shift. I am not really able to cope but have been told I need to work on stress management. Another analyst had already asked what was going on because it was apparent something was wrong, and I tried to just say it wasn't important.

My supervisor insisted I talk to the boss. She basically said I need to rise above the gossip, so I felt like an idiot trying to explain things. I made an effort after to joke and be talkative because I felt bad for freaking out, but I really just wanted to sleep or die. I am so afraid that this will get brought up again. I don't do drama. I want work to be the one place I feel successful. I need it not to be more anxiety because I am generally failing at life. Like I am fairly certain that I have a hospital bill that has gone to collections because I can't even check my mail or answer my phone. I am failing at life and I need work to be a place I can forget that because I am good at my job.

I left today incredibly anxious and wanting to cry. I don't know how much more I can handle or how long until I end up in hospital again, but it seems inevitable.

I really am trying. I know I should take my meds, but it all seems hopeless. I try so hard to remind myself that suicide isn't logical. Not existing is not better than existing. I don't 100% believe in heaven, so I may well be choosing not existing. It reminds me of in Hamlet where he says "
But that the dread of something after death,
The undiscovered country, from whose bourn
No traveller returns, puzzles the will,
And makes us rather bear those ills we have
Than fly to others that we know not of" and that if I knew what would happen, I would try to kill myself.

So I am struggling. I don't know what to do. Nothing has ever truly worked. I am just trying to stay alive.