When are you recovered?

I feel like I rarely discuss my eating disorder here anymore, but I feel like rambling.

So I mentally rehearse conversations pretty frequently. Conversations that might happen. Conversations that will never happen. I imagine all sorts. In these, I sometimes imagine saying I am a "recovered" bulimic. Then sometimes I correct this to I am "recovering" from bulimia.

This came up most recently thinking of how to explain why I need a new psychiatrist. A major reason is that I should not be seeing someone who has repeatedly mentioned prescribing me amphetamines. I don't know why. I don't have ADD. For years I abused diet pills. I have manipulated one doctor to give me Ritalin for fatigue. I have gotten this one to give me Vyvanse for binging. The fact that I have repeatedly told him no when he mentions Adderall says something about my recovery. The fact I voluntarily bought boost supplement drinks to increase my intake because I was struggling to keep down food says something. I was upset this morning that a friend commented on my eating, asking if I didn't like my food. I explained that I eat slowly because I just got over whatever stomach issue landed me in the er for dehydration. She quickly said she wouldn't want to pressure me to eat so quickly I would get sick. This friend has recently been in treatment again for her anorexia.

But in my head, I have a hard time ever calling myself recovered. I feel like once you have an eating disorder, you will always have an eating disorder. I still have disordered habits. I spend a great deal of time on eating disorder websites. I created an instagram account just to follow people with eating disorders.

It's like my thoughts and actions are very different. My behavior says recovery but my mind misses being ill.

I recently spent a great deal of time thinking of binging and purging. I imagined where I would go and what I would eat. I tried to plan the perfect binge knowing it would probably never happen. I imagined purging despite all the time I have recently spent trying to keep more food down.

So I have trouble thinking I have recovered despite not having binged or purged (except after the Tylenol overdose) in a long time. I have trouble believing I am recovered when I try to tell my doctor that amphetamines make me crazy because part of me wants them.

I buy whole milk yogurt in different flavors after years of only eating nonfat vanilla. I eat fruit, which probably doesn't seem as huge as it is. I had a huge fear of fruit and negotiated having a starch instead of fruit for snacks in treatment because fruit has no nutrition labels.

Yet I recently ate dinner at work and had chicken dipped in mustard, and I saw the weird look I got from a coworker. I have an unusual love for mustard and salt. I also realized that the upset stomach I had was likely from the sugar alcohols in the Halo Top ice cream I ate, and still bought another pint. I still drink diet soda except occasionally have regular with my vodka.

This is all just rambling. I just wonder if it is actions or thoughts that make you recovered, and do the thoughts ever really go away? So I guess in my head I would rather say I am recovering because I still have disordered thoughts and actions. I have known "recovered" anorexics who I could tell were in denial, and I don't want to be seen the way I viewed them (not as bad people but just lying to themselves). I would rather believe I am recovering but still need to improve. I don't want to be happy where I am. I do give myself credit for all the actions I take. In the same way I know I have made progress with the depression and with at least accepting I am an alcoholic. I just wonder if it is ever actually gone or if recovery is something that must constantly be maintained. Either way, I am fairly content with where I am. I don't miss the insanity of bulimia. I am insane enough without it. I may fantasize about binges, but I remember frantically trying to find the right combination of food and frantically trying to purge. I like my fruit and fatty yogurts. It is progress and it requires a lot less worry.