We tried the world. Good god, it wasn't for us.

So there is a line in the song Jackie and Wilson by Hosier "We tried the world, good god, it wasn't for us" that just seems to describe my life. I have tried life and over and over reached this point where I just don't want it. I don't know if I am really suicidal. I will admit I have been having those urges. The urge to drive off the road and off that hill. The urge to take that bottle of pills. It isn't really a thought. It is almost just physical. I have to make myself turn the wheel and stay on the road. I have to stop myself from opening the drawer.

I haven't taken my meds for a few days. Part of me honestly forgot. Part of me is embarrassed to admit that my memory is screwed up and I am not 100% sure what dosages I am supposed to be taking. Part of me wonders if it is really a good idea to take so many meds when my liver is damaged. Part of me just doesn't care. However, I know this is why I am suicidal again. I have considered going to the ER both for the thoughts and because I am getting dizzy a lot.

I am mostly dreading Monday because I am supposed to talk to the boss before my shift, and I don't know what to say. I don't know if I say that I want to die. Do I lie and say things are fine? Do I simply say I don't want to talk about personal things? That usually is interpreted as there is something bad that I am not saying. Or do I tell the truth? Either explaining the dizzy spells (likely dehydration from vomiting) or the suicidal thoughts is likely to mean she will recommend hospital or me not being fit to work.

I also wonder what my supervisor will say. I don't think I look well.

I am really just so very tired. I sat in my car a couple minutes tonight because I just didn't have the energy (mostly mentally) to get out of my car and walk up the stairs. I am honestly just living because I care about others. I just want this to be over. I don't want to go back to the hospital. It has never truly helped. I have more scary or upsetting memories of hospitals than anything positive. It is just temporary safety. I thought ECT helped, but a few days without my meds and I am back where I started. I could do maintenance treatment, but is it worth the fear and memory loss for what is obviously not enough to fix me.

So I think if asked how I am doing on Monday, I think the most honest answer is that I don't know. I don't know if I want to live. I don't know how to fix this feeling. I don't know what is going on with my body. I don't know, but I sometimes truly believe that I am not meant for life. I just can't really explain that.

The other line in that song that stands out is "I need to be youthfully felt because, God, I never felt young". While I didn't have a bad childhood, I was always more comfortable talking to adults. Then I know that it was in middle school that I became self destructive. These suicidal thoughts started long before I was diagnosed with depression. I believe that the anxiety and depression started earlier than I remember. I was an anxious child. I panicked and remember not being able to sleep until I made a plan with my parents about if there was a fire. I did a book report on tornadoes (NOT something I would recommend just after moving to Texas) and being terrified when my parents wanted to watch the storm clouds. I was convinced we should be sheltered with our pets in the bathroom. I don't think I was ever really a child. I am not convinced that I was meant for life, but I at least understand that people care about me. For some reason, people want me in their lives, and it hurts so terribly because then I have to live.

It is amazing how a couple days without meds and I am so aware of how much I don't want to exist. I am so aware that I have never felt normal. I am now just scared of either having to explain this or manage to lie. I don't know if I can pretend to be ok for much longer. I am so tired.

*edit* So I guess there's a reason I avoid facebook. I went on there and saw pictures of my friend's daughter's birthday that I wasn't invited to, and I want to die. Her daughter is 2 and I wasn't there because I isolated myself from everyone. Now I'm crying so hard I scared Nermal off the bed. I am supposed to see them this week, and I don't know how to apologize or explain why I disappeared. I don't want to go to work today. My supervisor will be there, and I am afraid she will notice how depressed I am. I don't think I can even pretend to be fine, and someone without depression is not likely to understand all this. I almost want to cancel my plans with my friends because I have been gone so long, but I don't see how that is better. Now I just wish I could call in sick to work and drink and sleep all day.