So after the conversation with my supervisor and the boss, I decided to talk to the manager (I guess I should explain how this hierarchy works supervisor<manager<boss) because she was probably going to find out anyway, and I would rather be the one to tell her. So I sent her a message on Skype that I wanted to talk. She then asked my supervisor why I wanted to talk. They went into the conference room, and I really have no idea what was said.
My supervisor comes out and sort of gestures for me to go in. I assumed she would stay, but she left me and the manager alone. The manager asked what I want to talk about, and I kinda said the supervisor had probably told her.. hoping to have some indication of what she knew. She just stared at me. So I basically told her everything. I mentioned the ECT and the liver problems and the memory loss and everything. And she was much nicer than expected.
Don't get me wrong. She is a nice person, but this was so far beyond how I expected her to react. She asked about the liver problems and if it could be fixed. I don't really remember everything she asked, but she also offered ways to help. She said maybe we should meet outside of work because seriously her stare is enough to make me tell even that I am scared to check my email and that my only social interaction is at work. She said we could go out to eat, but really it is questionable what I can eat. She said we could go for a walk. WTF? What kind of manager is kind enough to offer to go for a walk with an employee struggling with mental illness. It all caught me so off guard that I just kinda nodded. Meanwhile, I am so uncomfortable with someone being this attentive and nice and concerned that I am scratching at my hands hard enough to draw blood.. and I honestly am not sure if she noticed because I kept my hands below the table.
Finally, she asked if I would at least give her a hug, and I did. We didn't plan to meet outside of work, but I at least hugged her because she was so incredibly kind. I later joked a little with my supervisor about how the manager can practically stare into your soul. The almost unblinking eye contact was enough to make me say things only my therapist knows. It made me agree or at least not say no to going for a walk or whatever with her. She and the boss are really the only people I believe when they say that what I tell them won't be repeated to anyone. My ex supervisor I know shared information he said he would not. I don't know what my current supervisor has told anyone, but I know she has.
Now I am wondering if this meeting outside of work will happen. I really was honest (because of that soul searching stare) that I only go to work and grocery shopping, and I have no interaction with people except at work. She seemed understanding, but a lot of this she probably can't understand. Being afraid to check my email. Being afraid to talk to employees at stores and restaurants. The fear waking up from anesthesia and not knowing what I can't remember.
So I will probably walk or whatever with her because I feel so guilty because most people would not care so much. She said I can always talk to her or the boss. She said what we discuss will stay with her, and unlike my ex supervisor I believe that. She said that no one thinks I'm incompetent or bad at my job. I said multiple times that I would not have gone back if I thought I could not remember how to do my job. She is the first person that seemed to understand that being off work a month and having ECT means I will be slower. It means that I can't be expected to do everything I did before. I need time to increase my speed, and I really think they should understand that me being slower is because I absolutely don't want to make a mistake that could impact a patient.
I don't think anyone other than maybe the boss understands what electroshock is. I don't know how to explain the fear that comes from waking from anesthesia and not remembering the date or the day of the week. I have always had poor memory but I never lost days or weeks. I don't think they understand the fear from vomiting bile and the strange rashes and my new beer belly. All of which are signs of liver damage.
My supervisor sent me home early. I think neither of us wanted to do my competency test today, and I am more or less useless if I can't close cases.
In other news, I checked my mail for the first time in months. This may not seem significant, but I have been absolutely terrified to check it. It started as a week or so of not checking. Then because I hadn't checked it, I didn't know what I would find. I was convinced that the mail person was judging me for not checking. The level of fear was enough to nearly vomit in the parking lot as I walked to the mailbox. I had discussed with my therapist asking someone to go with me. Honestly, something about the managers genuine concern about me made me do it. Honestly, I don't think there was that much mail for months of not checking. I am choosing not to think about that tonight. The point is I went to the mailbox and unlocked it and took what was inside after months of being afraid. It's at least progress?
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