Fear

I seriously don't know how much more I can handle. I feel like it's not going to be long before I end up back in the hospital. I don't know if it will be for a suicide attempt, withdrawal, or liver failure.

I have had a miserable day. I missed a meeting at work because I wasn't sure it was happening because I only got emails some weeks about the weekly meeting, so I thought maybe it wasn't every week. Nobody said anything to me about missing it, but I felt guilty.

Then my supervisor tells me she wants me in training for a couple weeks. I had planned to suggest it, but her bringing it up made me more afraid about the work I did Monday and Tuesday. I ended up asking to talk to her when she said it because I didn't know what she knew about what I had been doing. I mentioned ECT and having memory loss. I mentioned being so scared that there were either emails I read while on leave and forgot or that there are updates that weren't sent in emails and nobody has remembered to tell me. It didn't help that she then spent the rest of the day changing her mind about what I could do. First she talked about me sitting with someone. Then she said I could take some cases and send them for QC. Then she had me do the pull and every time I mentioned it, she changed who I was supposed to give it to. So I was afraid that I would do what she told me but get in trouble because she changed her mind about what I should do. And every time she would talk to the lead, I was convinced that it was about me.

It didn't help that I also didn't feel well. I felt nauseous and flushed. I kept feeling like if I tried to stand up I would faint. I didn't know if it was because I took 10 Diurex before work and had screwed up my liver. I eventually decided that it was probably alcohol withdrawal because this used to happen. Before work, I bought a bottle of Tylenol. I keep one in a drawer at work, but a few months ago I overdosed on what was left in it. Today I bought the bottle, opened it with the intention to OD, and then decided that someone might see me. Then I probably wouldn't be able to avoid going to the ER, and I might lose my job for inappropriate behavior.

I am aware that I probably went back to work too soon. I was already scared by the memory loss. I knew that I was still avoiding things I need to do like checking my mail. I wasn't really ready to be alone in my apartment. Now, I don't know if I can manage to stop this before I end up in the hospital.. or will this be a repeat of before. Will I cease to function and drink until I start turning yellow? Will I end up so dehydrated that I get dizzy every time I stand? Or will I just die this time? I get the feeling I should be more worried about my liver. I should probably see my GP to see how my body is holding up. I am scared of somehow being forced into hospital. I probably should be, but I feel bad enough about last time because I didn't give anyone warning. I talked to the boss and then immediately left. I have no idea who knows what. Nobody has really said anything about it, but I would almost rather they said something. I would make up some excuse, but if they asked where I was or said something, I might have some idea of what they know. Not talking about it makes me worried that they know everything.

Oh and the other adult task I am failing at is making a dentist appointment. The hygienist was rather rude and critical last time, and it made me uncomfortable. However, my gums are really screwed up in one place. I really think I might walk in if I go and say that I don't need a lecture on flossing. I have had other very serious problems to deal with. I know that the alcohol and sugary drinks have damaged my teeth. I know I have blacked out or fallen asleep without brushing my teeth some nights. Other nights I knew if I brushed them I would vomit. So I just want to know what can be done now without more guilt. Bulimia has already caused a lot of damage and led to lectures about my enamel. Still, I would rather not lose my teeth and this spot is right in the front and it hurts.

For now the main goal is not ending up in hospital. Also probably not dying, but I have mixed feelings about that. I am home now and have had enough to drink that I feel better. Tomorrow is a new day.