Back to work

Today was my first day back at work. Not going to lie, I spent my weekend drunk. Apparently, my body can't handle it as well as before because I blacked out last night and slept until almost time for work.

Everyone was happy to see me. I apparently looked terrified. I was terrified. My memory is still so fucked up. I realized this over the weekend. I had lunch with a friend and I told her about how I did outpatient ECT because I managed to convince the psychiatrist it would be better for me to get out of the hospital. I then realized that I can't really remember what happened inpatient that he agreed. Like I seriously don't remember much of inpatient at all and I don't know how much was the ECT and how much is that hospital stays tend to blend together in my memory.

So I was scared to go to work. I checked my email a few times while on leave, so I was scared that I had read protocol changes and then forgotten, so I had to re check all those emails. Then the other analyst kept asking me how to handle things. I finally made him call the supervisor about one issue, and then he handed me his phone to explain it. She agreed with me, but I didn't want to be the one to tell him what to do since it was my first day back. I didn't know if I was only hesitant because of fear, so I needed her to tell me what to do.

I hope this gets better. I really don't think I can do this job if it doesn't. I am scared that I will either end up having to change careers or that I will end up on disability.

So I was not in the best mental state after work. I went to Chik-FIL-a after work and barely ate half my food because I was nauseous (hangover I guess?). Then I went to the grocery store and kinda blankly wandered around. I ended up buying protein ice cream for dinner. I ate half the pint and then realized it had more than 20 grams of sugar alcohols and I probably shouldn't eat all of it because my intestines would hate me.

I am debating talking to the manager tomorrow. I am wondering if it would be better to be honest about my fear and my memory problems. Maybe they can treat me like a trainee until I am confident. I would rather talk to her than make a mistake and have it come up because of that. I don't really know what she knows. I don't know if the HR guy mentioned ECT. I did tell the manager today that I felt bad for not really telling anyone what I was doing. I didn't give any advance warning and it ended up being longer than planned. I wasn't sure if they would be upset, which she wasn't. I think they're glad I am back and doing better. I don't think it was much of a secret that I was unwell.

I hope my memory improves. I also hope my appetite improves because I was weak enough when I was eating. I bought protein shakes and prunes at the grocery store.. prunes were the only food that sounded good if that says anything about it. Probably still hungover. I also apparently didn't take my meds last night or this morning, so that's bad.

Oh in random news, being back at my apartment meant I could finally load an Amazon gift card to the app. I was waiting until I had the gift card to buy a Fitbit Alta because I need something to look forward to. I had it shipped to my parents house, so I will get it Thursday. I just don't like the Garmin app as much as fitbit. I fully acknowledge that it probably isn't a healthy purchase for a bulimic but whatever.