Coming clean

So I get a text from my supervisor to come in a little later than usual and that she wanted to talk to me about updates and "some other things". I am smart enough to know that's bad. I get there and she is in the boss's office. Again I knew that was bad. She asked me to write out any questions I had, and we would go through them later.

At that point, I figured I probably wasn't getting fired because they usually do that at the beginning of the shift. I mostly asked about things where what people have said or done contradicts emails I have read. That was mainly why I wanted to talk to her.

Then she says that the boss wants to talk to us. I am being put on a performance improvement plan... mainly because of my lack of confidence and being withdrawn from other analysts. I have to get my report back to 100%. I asked to explain why I am not confident.

I told the boss and supervisor I had ECT. The boss was upset I hadn't told her. I had mentioned it to the HR guy and my supervisor, and I honestly assumed that they told her while I was gone. I explained that I have gaps in my memory and that I don't remember much of the hospital stay. I explained it is getting better. I remember (at least to the extent my shitty memory ever has but I didn't say that part) everything since going back to work. I am just double checking everything I do to make sure I am not forgetting things. So now I am also getting a competency test, but she was generally nice. I guess the boss knows more about ECT than my supervisor and knew this was a big deal.

I was also honest that I was worried about what people said about me when I was gone and that I know I don't look healthy (my skin was especially red today). Basically, she said it was none of their business and nobody had really asked.

Afterwards I talked some more with my supervisor. I explained that my health isn't good and that my liver tests were bad. She also mentioned that she and the manager really had no idea what happened the day I left. They thought the boss pulled me into her office and for some reason sent me home. The boss had recently asked what was going on with me because I wasn't my usual self both before and since coming back. I told my supervisor that was probably because our conversation that day was basically me saying my eyes were turning yellow and I needed time off. Both my supervisor and the boss knew me before I was ever hired by the company. I think they have a genuine concern for my health. I did also explain feeling guilty for not telling the supervisor or manager what was going on before I left. The manager is on vacation but apparently got the same email from the boss asking about me, so I may tell her what I told them.

So at least I am not being fired (yet). Also apparently these people care about me. That feels strange.

I did make an appointment with my doctor next week to get labs done. I am genuinely concerned about my health. I didn't tell the boss about the overdose on acetaminophen. I might tell her some about my concern about my liver, but I don't know. I may wait and see what the doctor says. I am still randomly getting a rash. I vomited at work last night and when I got home, and I think it was mainly bile (given the yellow color). That's probably concerning. I go back and forth about if I care about dying. I mostly wish I could feel less miserable while doing it, but that's out of my control. I will decide tomorrow what and who to tell things to.

Related to this.. I can tell I am losing weight in most of my body and developing a beer gut. My wrist bones are more prominent and my collar bones easier to feel, and yet my scrubs are tighter around the stomach. It's another thing to add to the list of signs my health is poor.