Until the bitter end

I can add a new symptom to the list of signs that I am unwell. The past two nights I have gotten home from work and found I had a rash and possibly edema in my legs. The first time it was just my legs. Last night my whole body seemed to be red. It started with a few red patches and spread. I looked online and found out it could be a sign of liver failure or many other things. I wondered if it could be related to blood vessels because I also can see veins in places that they weren't so obvious before. So I walked around and elevated my legs, and they returned to their normal color.

I am considering buying compression socks to help with circulation. I don't know at what point I should go to the er. I had planned to go to urgent care today if it wasn't better. I will try to call tomorrow and make an appointment with my doctor  because I need my thyroid checked anyway (now that I am taking my levothyroxine again), so I can get her to check my liver enzymes too. I can at least find out if it's worse.

I am seriously considering buying makeup because I look awful. You can see the veins in my neck and face. The skin around my mouth is red and dry from all the vomiting. I also keep picking at my skin because of stress at work. I think I am going to talk to my supervisor about that. I am worried that I am too slow, but I am scared that I will make a mistake if I go faster. I am no longer back in training, but I am hoping they will understand if I am slower. I got my report card (yes, we are graded on how much we do) and it was just over 70%. That is still acceptable, but I can't remember the last time I dropped below 90 (meaning I did at least 90% of the work available or expected of me). I honestly would feel terrible any time I dropped below 100. So I have a hard time coping with this. I know that also means I have a harder time hiding my stress, and I hope she will understand.  Maybe I can get some tips or advice to help.

I am aware of how bad things are. I know my health is worse. I wonder if some of this is a consequence of the acetaminophen overdose or just alcohol. I just don't know if I will get scared enough to stop or just go on hoping that I will die. There's this place in the AA big book that is very fitting.

"If you are as seriously alcoholic as we were, we believe there is no middle-of-the-road solution. We were in a position where life was becoming impossible, and if we had passed into the region from which there is no return through human aid, we had but two alternatives: One was to go on to the bitter end, blotting out the consciousness of our intolerable situation as best we could; and the other, to accept spiritual help."

I have reached that point many times. I have tried to find the spiritual solution but probably not worked hard enough at it. Mostly I think I have planned to go on until the bitter end. This is one part of the big book that has stuck with me. I have heard people talk about relapse and having a belly full of liquor and a head full of AA. You can't get rid of it. You always know you are killing yourself, and you always know that people have recovered. I just somehow have to convince myself that I am not an exception. That I am not incapable of getting sober. That God didn't make me destined to kill myself. I just don't know how to believe that.