What did I miss

So today was my second day back at work. It didn't start out very well. I woke up feeling sick again and was convinced all day something was wrong. I was convinced people were looking at me strangely. At the grocery store, too many people asked if I needed help. Admittedly, I was wandering aimlessly, but I hadn't really gone there looking for anything. I just needed to kill time. Then I got to work and my legs were all sweaty from the seats in my car and my teeth hurt.

When things really started to worry me is when I forgot the door code. I knew walking up that I didn't remember it even though I managed to remember yesterday. I tried guessing but got it wrong. I was too embarrassed to be seen trying multiple times. I was too embarrassed to text someone to ask. I wandered back to the parking lot and thankfully someone else had just gotten there. I pretended to be just arriving and walked slowly so she would get to the door first.

So the rest of the day I worried. What if a policy changed and nobody emailed me? What if I read an email but forgot it? It didn't help that there were things nobody told me. Like I got this weird email last week from someone who worked from home. She said she hadn't chatted with me recently and that she has LinkedIn and Facebook. Well apparently, she was laid off. I only know because I mentioned the email to someone else.

Now I'm debating asking to be put back in training, where someone else reviews every case before it gets closed. That way if I miss something, I find out before the client sees it. Also before I get fired. It's just that I have never been gone this long before. I also don't know if I should admit to having problems with memory and concentration. I don't know exactly what the manager knows. I don't know if that she doesn't know much about ECT or if she's walking on eggshells around me. I did tell the HR guy that I did ECT because I had to explain why my plan (if you can call any of this planned) of going for a week became being gone nearly a month.

I spent last night drinking and searching ECT and memory loss on Google. Supposedly, this won't last long. Though if I keep drinking and forgetting my meds, things may not improve. I also apparently get hangovers now. That's fun. I see my psychiatrist tomorrow. I may ask about going back on Seroquel because if I feel like things have been worse since they took me off it. Maybe my liver is doing better.. though I know drinking isn't going to help.

I am scared and somehow convinced that I have screwed up my life beyond repair. I will never be able to clean my apartment. I will lose my job and end up on disability. I don't think poorly of people on disability, but I am not convinced I could handle it. I would have too much time and end up self destructing. Or I will just self destruct anyway, and I will kill myself. I am already wondering about cutting my wrist so maybe someone will realize I am not doing well. I am quickly sliding back into old habits. I can't stand to be in my apartment sober. I have a notice from the IRS in my purse to deal with. I still haven't checked my mail. I need to get my car inspected. I am debating if killing myself or getting myself hospitalized would be easier than sorting out my life. I don't know.