Fear and failure

Can I just say how frustrating today was?
I woke up to find that my water was off, so I couldn't shower. I thought they were turning it off Monday for maintenance, and I am not sure if this was unscheduled or I forgot the day. Either way it meant feeling gross and paranoid all day. I may fail at most adult behavior, but I normally shower everyday if I intend to go outside. I am always paranoid that I smell or look dirty or my hair looks oily (that was definitely true today).

I still managed to go out. I got lunch and went to Kohls which was nice because I got one long sleeve tee for $1.80 and one for $3, and I needed new tees. I hate that it becomes impossible to find long sleeve shirts in spring/summer. I know I am not the only person who prefers them. I also went to Starbucks because I was grumpy and wanted something full of caffeine and sugar (I am in love with the cinnamon almond milk macchiato). Throughout all this I was somehow convinced that people were judging me and could tell I hadn't showered and therefore assumed I was homeless or a drug addict.

I see that this isn't logical. I doubt most strangers spend that much time thinking about me. However, it meant I was not in a good mood when I got to work.

I knew there wasn't much work. I got there and awkwardly talked to the supervisor about what needed to be done. I feel like I have gotten so uncomfortable talking to people, and I worry it shows. Plus, she asked me to go in the lab and tell them to do something, and I really didn't want to. To me if I ask them to put a rerun on, I am implying that they are not doing their job. It was 2 samples, and it was obvious by the number already done that they were on top of things. Thankfully, I was given something else to do.

I was told to close some cases by the manager. I couldn't tell if she meant actually close or send for QC. I have heard the supervisor say that the manager questioned why I was back in training. Already the length of time I am supposed to do this has been reduced from 2 weeks to 1 and now to just a few more days. I don't know how to feel about it. My first day in training I made a few small errors. Since then, I have not received negative feedback. I'm still scared because I know that my memory is bad right now. I also admit that the paranoia makes it hard to focus.

Any time I see the HR guy, I worry. Today he was in the boss's office with another woman (who I have always been a bit frightened by). I was of course convinced that I was getting fired. No logic behind this. I mean logically it would be my manager or supervisor with them if it was about me. I mentioned to my supervisor that it made me nervous seeing them in there, and she said that it would be the manager, that they would tell me, and that I would have to do something wrong. They wouldn't tell me to go get help and then fire me for it.

I know all this, but I have been constantly frightened since going back. I regret that I didn't talk to my supervisor (though she doesn't seem upset) before going. I regret being gone so long. Apparently, people asked her if I quit because I was gone so long and hadn't said anything about it. I don't know if anyone saw me talk to the boss and then immediately leave. I would guess that if they assumed I quit, that means they didn't assume I was gone because of alcoholism.

I think that only going to work and occasionally shopping has impacted my ability to interact with people. I think I am very aware that I am back to being as bad as before treatment, and I don't know if they realize it. I am aware that I have bruises all over my arms. Some are from the IVs during ECT, but some I can't explain. I am again convinced my skin looks yellow. I think my hair is thinning. I am convinced my eyelashes look weird.. yeah, that one is a bit odd. They look longer and somehow tangled? It's just very difficult to be fixated on the color of your skin and the length of your eyelashes and every little blemish on your skin AND talk to other people. I can't explain what's going on in my head without revealing how crazy I am. I mean I became paranoid that someone at work found this blog, and that's what the boss was discussing. I feel bad because another company might be less understanding. Because we work in a field that is very much related to addiction and because the vice president of the company went to grad school with me, I have been able to get help. They could have fired me over the accusations that I smelled like alcohol, but they let me get treatment.

It doesn't help that I don't feel well. I was nauseous half the day. I am tired. I really half hope my skin is yellow because that would mean my liver is failing, and that means I might die. I honestly don't think I can get sober. After so many failed attempts, I think this will kill me. It might be after more attempts at treatment. It might be soon. At least if I am dead, I won't have to face cleaning my apartment or checking the mail. I won't have responsibilities. I will either be in heaven, hell, or just gone. I feel like any of those would be better. Otherwise, I see myself reaching the point that I can't work and ending up living with my parents or in an institution. That doesn't sound too bad either.

Tomorrow I don't work. My current plan is to buy some groceries and go get either frozen yogurt or Dairy Queen because I no longer care about being fat. I just want to eat things and not vomit. The past 2 days that hasn't worked out, which is another sign my health is failing. I don't know if I should go to urgent care and lie or manipulate the truth to get medicine for nausea. I probably need to actually make the appointment with my GP to get blood tests done rather than trying to decide if my skin is yellow, but what's the point if I am just going to die eventually?