Too honest?

Recently, I told my supervisor and manager about my health concerns. Honestly, this is partly because if I end up in the hospital, it won't be a complete surprise. I also know I don't look healthy.

So today I did something probably stupid. I went to talk to the boss. I told her probably more than I should. I consider her somewhat of a friend, so I have had conversations with her that I would never have with other people I worked with. I told her about my health concerns, which she mentioned I had told her before. Honestly, I don't remember all of what I said that day I left and went on medical leave. This isn't because of ECT. I distinctly remember tears in my eyes walking onto the building. I distinctly remember staring at the floor as I quickly walked out, so I wouldn't have to talk to anyone. None of it was planned. I just walked in and spilled my guts.

But anyway, today I told her it was still going on. I mentioned how bad my labs were. She asked about the problems eating, and I said I was still vomiting every night. She basically said I need to call my doctor and try to see her before my appointment Thursday. That's probably true.

I also admitted for the first time about the Tylenol overdose. I wonder if that is actually the cause of the liver problems. She also asked if it might have caused the stomach problems. At this point it probably doesn't matter what caused everything. What matters is what can be done. The thing I told her that I probably should not have is that I took the 16 Tylenol at work.

I don't know. I told her things are much better since the ECT. She told me about a friend she had that died from alcoholism. She said I look better than before going inpatient. She said I had looked very sick, and she had worried. I really just wanted her to know what I had already mentioned to my supervisor. She later called me back in to talk and said she wants me to meet with her every day we are both there. She said that she doesn't want to get busy and   not notice what's happening with me. This is what I mean about her being a friend. She obviously cares about me being able to do my job, but she also seems to care about me.

I felt guilty being in her office so long. I realized that I had missed an update while there. I apologized to my supervisor and asked what was said to be sure I understood the email. Later the manager came over to update me, and I wonder if something was said to her or maybe she noticed that I was talking to the boss, but she had a strange facial expression. I don't know if it was fear or concern or what. Admittedly, I also cut my wrist last night, so it may have been related to that.

My supervisor later pulled me aside and asked if I was doing ok. I told her I was feeling ill. She said she had noticed. I explained what I had talked to the boss about including the overdose. I told her about meeting with the boss daily. I also had been distracted because she had been in the boss's office, which she said was not about me. I did explain that my paranoia really is not about her. My ex supervisor, however, at least once told people things he said he wouldn't. The time I asked to leave to get stitches he told me I could go and we wouldn't speak of it. He then told the boss, so I have trust issues.

I really don't know how much I should have told anyone. Boundaries are a little weird when I knew my supervisor and the boss before I ever worked here. I honestly am preparing for the possibility that either I will faint at work (I have been having dizzy spells again) or will end up in hospital. I would rather they know in advance that I am unwell. I would rather they know if they hear me vomiting in the bathroom that it is not intentional.

But I guess next week I start daily meetings with the boss in addition to the weekly (although the supervisor says we aren't having it Monday?) meetings about my performance and confidence. So I am pretty terrified. I should probably just be happy they care, but I am still afraid that what I have said will be used against me. I really just want it to be normal. I want a place that I can go to and act like a normal human being. I seem to have screwed that up. The boss probably just doesn't want me to die, but I am concerned about the purpose of the daily meetings. Everything is a bit concerning.

I don't think I mentioned, but I now have 2 separate social events planned. I am having lunch with a friend a week from Sunday, and I have dinner plans with friends next week. The second is more significant because I have not spoken to them in months and have been scared to see them because I am scared her son won't remember me. I don't know why that is so terrifying, but I have known her for more than a decade and met her son when she was still in the hospital after having him. I guess I don't want to believe that I screwed that up. She is the friend that I wrote to in residential treatment for an assignment where you had to ask friends how the eating disorder affected you. Her response was that she always assumed that I would kill myself. Whether it be actual suicide or the self harm or bulimia. I guess because I have known her this long, we have a more honest friendship? Her husband I have known for years as well. Both of them are why I started attending a certain church and went through classes with the priest so that I could go through chrismation. So seeing them after a long absence is hard. I know they will ask about my disappearance. I really would like to pretend nothing happened, but that doesn't work with them. However, I know I cannot live only in my bedroom and at work. I need people, and I do feel that this friend and her family will always take me back if I reach out to them. I may disappear for months, but when I texted her and her husband, both responded the same day. So we are having dinner Thursday. I don't know how much I will tell them. They are the sort of people whose genuine concern makes it difficult to lie. I just have to keep telling myself that I need friends.