Your psychiatrist pleads with you to only have 4 drinks tonight. He even gave me permission to take an extra Seroquel if I have trouble sleeping because of it. It was a rough appointment. I spent a lot of time staring at the floor because all I wanted to say was I give up, but I couldn't say it when he looked so concerned. He was trying really hard. I tried to explain my apartment. I said how it progressed from drinking in my kitchen, to drinking in my living room, to now eating and drinking in my bedroom. I don't cook. I don't watch TV. I basically only watch Netflix on my phone.
I have been having a rough week. I am nauseous all the time. Then I was stupid and bought some protein shakes and this low calorie ice cream. I don't know if it's the vodka or the massive amount of sugar alcohols I have been consuming, but my digestive tract is quite unhappy. So I settled on real ice cream for dinner tonight because usually that doesn't make me nauseous and I am not having any more artificial sweeteners until (TMI) my horrible diarrhea stops. I also bought pedialyte because I can tell I'm dehydrated.
Oh and back to my psychiatrist appointment. On top of everything else, as I was leaving (so not the greatest timing), he looks at me and asks if I am getting visible blood vessels on my face. I am. He asked if I know why. I didn't. He says it means my liver isn't processing estrogen well, and estrogen causes blood vessels to expand. It's basically an early sign of liver failure. He had asked earlier if I had been jaundice, and I had explained about my eyes. I told him what the doctor told me in the hospital after seeing the blood tests. He commented that it was concerning. I shrugged because I don't really care, though admittedly liver failure is not the best way to go.
I am frustrated that he always talks about which medications have weight gain as a side effect. I really try not to think about it because the last thing I need is to be too afraid to take my meds. I think it's because I have an eating disorder that he says it to reassure me, but really it makes me think about it. I really try to keep the eating disorder to a minimum because my body is in bad enough shape from the alcohol. Really, I have to force myself to eat at times. I think I have lost some of the weight I gained because I don't feel like eating. I am just too scared to step on a scale. He asked me about Vyvanse or Ritalin and if it would help my motivation, and I turned it down. Stimulants bring out my OCD traits and paranoia. I don't need that right now. I'm scared enough.
He didn't seem too concerned about the memory loss. I don't think anyone who hasn't experienced it realizes how scary it is to not remember things that happened only a couple weeks ago or days ago. I did finally remember that the event that led to the doctor agreeing to outpatient ECT was a patient throwing coffee in someone's face. I couldn't remember that when I tried to tell a friend over the weekend.
I think I left the hospital too soon and will probably end up going back either for depression or my liver. I am not sure I can pull myself out of this downward spiral that started when I went back to my apartment. The question is if I have motivation to get help or if someone will notice and step in.
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