Memory

I really have no one else that I can explain this to. I am debating telling the boss since talking to her is what started this, but I doubt she would understand and not just view me as crazy.

I told them I have gaps in my memory. Really, the time I don't remember is the time in the hospital. I do remember some of it now, although that memories of this stay get mixed up with the other times I have been to this hospital. I honestly wonder if the ECT is why I don't remember everything or if my brain simply doesn't want to remember.

The reason I didn't want to do ECT inpatient is because I was scared and exhausted. I can remember that a patient told me another patient threw coffee in her face, and the next day was still allowed to have coffee without staff supervision. I remember (although this is a memory that is mixed with other hospitalizations) the insomnia. I remember trying to get my doctor to give me something (since he took away my Seroquel) so I could sleep. I always make eye contact with the people doing bed checks to make sure they know I can't sleep. I remember the ambulance ride between hospitals because this my first time in an ambulance.

Basically, I do remember. I forgot some details, but some are coming back. I just have been in psych wards around a dozen times, and it all gets mixed up. That hospital I have been to at least twice before. I mainly remember it as the one where a patient stole my things (she was "cleaning") and no one would get them back because this was my fault for not writing my name on them. I remember from other stays the man who told me that he was collecting coins to make a sword for astral projection. I remember a woman that terrified me, but they would sit near me because she only ate if I was there.

So really it is possible that the memory loss is because I would prefer not to remember. Thinking about it, my time inpatient (there and other hospitals) can be viewed as trauma. But the issue is  I cannot explain this to my boss because 1. She won't really understand and 2. It reveals how crazy I truly am. I think somewhere after ten hospital stays (I honestly don't remember how many it has been) I go from being sick to being crazy.

I don't know why I am writing this. I think I just want someone to understand that I would never go to work if I thought I would damage patients lives. What I don't remember is mainly the time in the hospital that I would rather not remember. There were some gaps from when I was staying with my parents, but I am regaining those memories. I guess I am writing because I don't think I can explain this to most people without seeming crazy. I don't think they understand the extent to which I am mentally ill, and I don't really want them to. It's the same reason I lie to my parents. I want some time to pretend I am normal. Work is the same. I think the problem is that I stopped pretending, but I have started again.