I am getting really concerned about things going on. To explain, Easter this year is a serious event. I attend a Byzantine Catholic Church, which is kind of a mix of catholic and orthodox. Last year. on Holy Saturday (day before Easter), I officially joined the church.. sort of equivalent to a confirmation. I went to the service, had dinner with my parents, and of course went home to drink. Sunday (Easter) morning, I was too drunk to drive to church. I felt guilty and shameful.

I went to church last night for Good Friday. I cried a lot, and I don't know if it was the service or if it was all that's going on with me. We had a service 7-8:30 and then a potluck dinner. I didn't eat (I did actually eat before but I don't do crowds and food) and for whatever reason the priest sat at my table. We talked casually a bit. The tremors in my hand were really bad. I held out my hands a few times watching, and then I hid them below the table to keep him from seeing. I finally went outside and tried to relax because I know anxiety makes it worse. At 10 I went in for the next service. A woman who regularly attends the church asked to look over my shoulder at the pamphlet of music. I tried holding it and the candle, and the music was shaking. She ended up holding the music (I helped turn pages), but I was really embarrassed. I'm 27. There's really no logical reason for why my hands shake too badly to hold the music.

I got home after 1am. Service was over at midnight. It was 1 when I got back to the town I live in. I got something at McDonalds to eat because I really hadn't had much. I drank and went to bed around 3am. I woke up around noon and dragged myself to AA. I finally acknowledged openly to the group how bad things are. It was hard, but really the tremors are scaring me.

I went to service tonight. I was scared to, but I wanted to go. Hopefully I'll be ok to go tomorrow. Even if I go late, I need to go.