I don't have a long update today. I've spent last night and today freaking out because my cat is sick/hurt.. probably arthritis, but I can't get her to a vet till tomorrow. I broke down crying after church talking to one of my friends (we've been friends for more than a decade) about it. It may seem silly, but this cat I have had since I was 13. I'm 27 now, so that's over half my life. I remember in high school when I would sit at night and cry or cut myself, she'd come over and try to nuzzle me or sit with me. (this will probably sound ridiculous) but she probably kept me from doing some bad things. Even after I moved out, when I got suicidal, I'd be concerned about what would happen to her if I died. So I do worry.

Other than that, I am really trying to work up courage to be honest with people in my life about some things. The big one is that lately, I have noticed my hands are shaky at times. Like I will be holding a straw or a fork or anything, and my hand will shake and i can't always stop it. The issue is that as an alcoholic.. this could be very bad. Tremors are a withdrawal symptom. I've never had them very much when I detoxed.. but I usually only detoxed or quit drinking in a hospital or something. Otherwise, I really haven't quit long enough to worry about withdrawal. BUT if I am getting them during the day now.. that's probably concerning. It means I'm sicker than I am willing to admit. It means it's much more dangerous to stop or cut back or anything. I am NOT willing to take time off and get treatment now or detox now. So I'm worried. Very worried, and I haven't told anyone. I check my hands from time to time to see if they shake, but I make sure no one else sees. I have trouble with honesty. I am worried people will judge me for not being able to stop this, for not always wanting to stop this. So yes.. worried. And I am trying to convince myself to tell someone.