I've been out of practice for a while, so I don't know what to say. This week (and actually a couple lately) I'm struck with how my friends do NOT want to deal with my problems. It's odd.. my closest friend in grad school (I say that because I live at least 30 miles from any other friends) was helpful and tried to be understanding when it was the bulimia.. mostly she dealt with me when I wasn't eating. She'd make me a smoothie, and because I'm a people pleaser I'd drink it. When I was depressed, I'd cry and she'd be comforting.

Part of this is that she's bipolar. When she's not manic or depressed, she could be understanding and empathetic. Either manic or depressed, she tends to be really self absorbed. I am such a caretaker that if she changes the topic to her problems, I start giving advice or support for her problems. It doesn't matter if I was talking about my own shit.

I refuse to get into the who's sicker debate. At times she's commented on how at least I didn't almost have a breakdown like she did. I would try very hard to point out how often I've been in the hospital. I am kind of drunk, so this may not be accurate. I've had 7 stays in a psych ward (4 different hospitals), residential for bulimia, and residential for alcohol. That's 9 times I've had to go into treatment. My mind will argue I shouldn't have gone most of those times. It didn't matter if I had plans on how to kill myself.. or I wasn't on my meds, or I was crying all the time, or I just couldn't stop drinking. She doesn't see that history, and I just don't feel like comparing who's craziest.

Anyway, I have mentioned to her a couple times that I'm having trouble eating. I am obese, so weight is not the issue, but I am unable to finish normal meals without feeling nauseous. I know it's the alcohol, but is frustrating as hell. Mostly the issue is breakfast. I have learned from experience that if I don't eat withing 2-3 hours after waking up, I will become incredibly ill. Hard to make it to the bathroom ill. Nothing sounds appetizing though, and I have to find something that I can manage to eat without getting nauseous just because I don't like it. This is a real challenge.

I went to lunch with her last Saturday (she invited me), and it was really strange. She ordered an omelet with fruit, tortilllas, and then a large pancake with raspberries in it (this is my fav thing from this restaurant. She joked with the waiter about how he'd never seen someone finish that much. I ordered the same pancake, scrambled eggs, and sausage. She finished everything. I managed half the (large) pancake, most of the sausage, and a bit of the eggs. She showed the waiter she had finished it all, and he said that I must have had some and that's why I barely touched my food. I was kind of embarrassed for no real reason. I tried after to explain how hard it is for me to eat, but in her mind eating less is a good thing.

I think her and my friends are comfortable ignoring the alcoholism because they don't know how to handle it. They don't ask. If I mention it, it's dismissed. I admit I am not making progress, but at times I would like someone to sympathize with how miserable I am. It is really hard to function like this. I have no concentration. I have no memory. I space out which makes driving scary. My apartment is a mess. I really worry at times that I have brain damage, but I know nobody will listen to me. I do normally go to a woman's AA meeting Saturdays, and I skipped when my friend invited me to brunch. Maybe they will get it. It is taking my so long to open up with them because I don't feel like I belong if I'm not sober. I can't even imagine being sober, but I think they're the only people who get how crazy I am.

So that is my rant. I have AA tomorrow. I will try to not bolt as soon as the meeting is over. Talking in a meeting is very hard, but the leader memorizes our names and calls on people so it's hard to back out. It is very easy to leave as soon as the meeting is over so no one can say goodbye, much less talk to me about anything else. I am trying not to panic and leave. I will try again tomorrow because this insanity is really isolating, and I know keeping it to myself is not helping. Somehow, I have to express this shit