Cutting

II don't think I talk a whole lot here about self harm. It's not a subject I talk about much. Not too long ago I started cutting my wrist, and it was one of the reasons my former sponsor gave for why I needed to go inpatient. She said cutting where it was visible was a cry for help. Honestly, the wrist thing is not about being visible to others. My wrists are pretty much the only part of my body I consider thin. I am fascinated by how thin they are. This led to the obsessive thought that cutting them would be beautiful. I do find the scars to be beautiful. I realize this makes no sense.

I made an effort to hide those cuts.. but barely. I put a bandage on, but that isn't really hiding. When I saw my parents, I adjusted my vivofit to cover the scars.

Well, last night I did something stupid. I cut my arm. It was low enough to show when wearing scrubs (or other short sleeve shirts). I was drunk when I did it, and I didn't think about it. Today, I realized the problem.

I didn't bother to wear something with longer sleeves under my scrubs. I did wear a tank top as usual (so if I lean forward nobody can see my bra), but I didn't wear a long sleeve shirt. This means that if I held my arm a certain way, the cuts would be visible.

Honestly, part of me wanted that. I don't know who other than my supervisor knows about my depression. I told him and the manager because I knew I might go inpatient. Since I got out, I have not mentioned the depression or drinking. If asked how I am, I say I am ok.

This is obviously not true. I am not ok. I wish I were dead. I contemplate how I could do this. I wish that alcohol might kill me.

So I almost wanted to see the cuts on my arms. Then they might understand the pain I am in. Nobody said anything, so maybe today was not successful.

Tomorrow I am supposed to visited friends and I hope to hide the self harm this time. I don't think I want to have that  conversation.

I think I want attention but not from anyone who could help me. The logic in this? I don't know. I guess I want the solution that doesn't involve getting sober. Probably not the ideal solution.

Tonight, I am not really thinking things through. I am watching TV with Nermal who doesn't care if I am sober. I am loved no matter how shitty I am. At least there's that. At least I am loved by someone.

I don't know why I am writing this. I am trying to believe I am loved unconditionally by these beautiful babies. I am trying otherwise to believe that my actions do not make me a bad person. That's not easy. I will try to believe that my depression doesn't make me a terrible person. I will try to believe people care.

I will try.
That sums up so many goals.