Friends

Last week a friend texted me about maybe hanging out. This was the husband of a woman I've known since high school. I went to church with them for a while and then I stopped going. I don't really know why. Part was that for a while I wasn't falling asleep until 6am, so being somewhere at 10 was not realistic. Then the more services I missed, the more anxious I was about returning. I didn't want to be asked where I had been or what was going on. So I didn't see these friends and their children for months. I also became anxious about seeing them because things weren't going well with me.

I had been thinking of contacting them, but he said something first. I guess they have had a lot of health stuff going on with him and their children (Now 1 and 3), which is why they didn't contact me.

I agreed to dinner tonight and that I would bring something since I'm vegetarian now. I searched all sorts of recipes, but ended up buying a frozen meal (so happy Amy's brand makes family sized meals now). I realized I am not in any shape to cook because during therapy in the afternoon I was shaking and sweating.

Therapy was rough. I talked about wanting to quit school. Her response was that she thinks the depression is making decisions right now. We talked about needs and not valuing myself. Mostly she talked and I stared at my hands. She is talking about wanting me to go to some treatment place for a 2 week intensive program. I am really unsure what it's about. She said she could get me a scholarship. I don't want to ask for time off work after just being in the hospital.. also if I need time off any time soon it would probably be for detox.

Anyway, after that I bought things for dinner (Amy's broccoli and cheddar bake and some fruit). I went to my friend's house. Initially he talked about stuff with their kids. I went with him to pick them up from daycare. The son immediately wanted me to pick him up. That really made me happy because I was a little concerned that he wouldn't remember me after months. The daughter just turned 1, so I was happy enough she smiled at me and didn't seem terrified. We got back to the house and the son was following me around talking. I finally had to tell him I was going to the bathroom so he wouldn't follow me in. Then I heard him announce to his parents that I needed to go potty.. whatever.

I tried to focus conversations on them. I said I was just working. I eventually clarified that I am really only working and sleeping and not doing anything social. I didn't talk about the hospital stay or relapse. I didn't want the evening to be focused on that. I was happy to eat dinner, watch TV, and watch their son show me his toys.

He has story time before bed, and at the time my friend (the mom) was giving the daughter a bath since she got cheese in her hair during dinner. So story time involved me and the whole family in the bathroom listening to the book because it wasn't acceptable for anyone not to be present. Then I got a hug before he went to bed.

I left after that. It was a good evening. I think I feel a bit mixed about being around people who clearly love me, and knowing I am not well and am not telling all of the truth. They would love me even if I did, but I wanted an enjoyable evening and for a while not to think of everything bad.

We are planning on doing it again in a couple weeks. I didn't tell them I would be at church because I don't know. In the time since I stopped going, I really don't know how I feel about God.

I came home and was productive enough to call the office that handles insurance for the new psychiatrist I am seeing next week. I intentionally called when I knew it would go to voicemail because I was told if you left all the correct information, he wouldn't call back. Yay for less human contact. I also got my mail after about a week.. so lots of junk. I think that's the extent of productivity today. Now I am drinking.