Pathetic

Things have not gone entirely well the past couple days. So I mentioned in the last post that I was going to stay with my friend B and try to detox.

Saturday we went to the women's meeting. Afterwards, she took me with to a house she needed to finish cleaning (one of her jobs). Thankfully, the owners weren't home. They are also in the program.. but once I was there while one kept leaving angry voicemails with her husband's phone because she had been tracking his location and knew he was sleeping with someone else. Super uncomfortable. Anyway, she finished cleaning and I proposed lunch. We got food to take back to B's apartment. We ate and watched TV. Then she worked on studying. I did random stuff online. I did call my new sponsor while at the other house and left a voicemail about the whole plan.

Around 9 B asked if I'd eat some soup. I said ok. She knows about my eating disorder and probably wouldn't tell her I was hungry or ask for food. We ate and at some point discussed sleeping arrangements. She said I could have the bed and she would take the couch or we could both sleep in the bed (her boyfriend was out of town). I said bed was fine. I just hoped I wouldn't kick her or snore.

Well, I never fell asleep. I got up several times and finally just stayed on the couch watching stuff on my laptop because I didn't want to keep getting in and out of bed.

The next day we watched TV and she studied. I became obsessed with things moving. The fibers in the carpet moving. The text on my laptop wiggling. I actually asked her to tell me that a bag wasn't moving. Then I asked to go back to bed. I sobbed and fell asleep for a couple hours before leaving for work.

Work didn't go well. 3 times I went downstairs to cry. I texted B about staying over and then said I didn't have my meds with me and needed to feed the cats, which would make it too late. I said I was fine. Then at 11 I called and said I was very much not ok. I had set in my head I would either buy some kind of alcohol or some kind of knife. So she said come over. The couch had pillows and blankets when I got there and the TV remote by the pillow.

I watched stuff on my laptop with headphones for a while. I tried to go to sleep. I kept seeing things move.. I also could swear I heard voices like a radio when there wasn't one. I ended up making a list in my phone of signs I am going crazy. Then the bag "moving" in the room kept bothering me. I tried to hide it with a pillow. That just made it feel like one was holding the other back. I settled on a pillow over my head so I could see none of it. That was OK. It was all weird.

I'm the morning I went home and showered and changed. I went to the noon meeting. I kept wanting to cry. I walked out before the meeting and cried/sobbed in my car. Then I went back in because it sounded better than crying at home. I cried in the meeting and didn't share. After I hugged my former sponsor.. and I couldn't leave. I sat down and another woman talked to me. She even commented on scratches on my arm and how her daughter did that. Honestly, I wanted to talk to my former sponsor but the woman was nice.

I had in my head I was going to the liquor store. I called my ex sponsor from the parking lot. She texted me back to call her once I had driven there. I had also called my sponsor. Anyway we talked.. and I don't remember all of it. I went shopping somewhere else then to the liquor store.

I went to work and managed to do OK. My sponsor called in the evening, and I said I had to take the call. We talked.. a lot of it was the discussion of going inpatient. I told her about the vodka vs knife thing. She strongly suggested I sleep at B's, but I felt too guilty to call. I just couldn't. Instead I bought a new knife.. and now I'm drinking and cutting. I hate my life and wish it was over.

But I will stay alive, and I see my new psychiatrist tomorrow. Who knows how that will go...