Detox

I have decided that the physical symptoms of alcoholism are getting too bad to function normally.

At work, my hands shake, which is not just visible to others. My handwriting is almost illegible at times. It isn't just my hands. My legs twitch randomly. I keep having cold sweats. The text I am reading moves around. I sometimes feel things crawling on me. Though I have managed to convince myself that isn't real. I think my skin looks weird... like red or splotchy. Sometimes when my blood pressure is high, I think my veins stick out.

If I am having all these symptoms while still drinking, I know getting sober will be bad. The fear of withdrawal definitely influences my decision to stop. Both that I want to get sober but fear the withdrawal, and I use this as a reason to stop.

I am hoping to stop tomorrow. My friend B has offered for me to stay over. I would feel safer detoxing with someone else around. I know hallucinating is a symptom I have experienced. I would really like a sober person to tell me what I see isn't there. I am all a bit suicidal, and so maybe not being alone my thoughts is a good idea.

So my plan is to sleep there tomorrow night. I could have gone tonight, but I wanted one more night of drinking and sleeping in my own bed.

I still should talk to my sponsor. I did the writing she recommended about consequences of drinking and what I use alcohol to cope with. I am very aware that it affects how my meds work. I wrote more than that. I feel I should run the detox plan by her. I really can't take time off to go inpatient for detox. I hope I can do this at home, maybe with any Lorazepam I have left. I did detox at home the last time, but I don't remember any hallucinating that time.

I really don't understand how a month-ish relapse can cause the same symptoms that took years of drinking before. It doesn't really matter. I know I cannot function like this.

So tomorrow I will sleep at my friend B's apartment, and I will not drink. We will see what happens. I suppose if I have seizures or something, I will have to consider hospital. I really don't want to take more time off work or admit anything to do with alcoholism. Given the nature of my job, no worry how people will see this. I mean if it is medically necessary, I may get help, but I would rather just do this at home like last time. If I stay with B, I at least have someone to call for help if anything happens.

Wish me luck