F***ed up thoughts

This week is not going very well. I'm drinking again. I'm cutting a lot. I don't really care.

Tonight, I was standing in the kitchen staring at the bottle of vodka. I was thinking about if I would need to buy tomorrow. I thought that maybe I should make this my last bottle and try to get sober again. Then I thought "I don't want to get sober. I want to die"

I realize this isn't good. It's true though. I have frequently wished I was dead lately. I had this feeling very strong at work today. A coworker just finished her PhD. Listening to her talk about it reminds me of how I haven't even finished my masters. How I can't even finish my masters.

I told myself once and then a thousand times how I would kill myself before quitting school and not graduating. I don't know when I first thought it, but it stuck in my head. I don't think I told anyone until recently mentioning it to my former sponsor. I talked to her about quitting school, and I mentioned this. Her advice was to pray about the idea of giving up on grad school. She said something about letting go of that thought.. I don't really remember.

Since then, I have prayed. I have no answer. I seriously wish I was dead when I think about school. Drinking makes this better, but sober I can't handle it.

I saw a new psychiatrist on Tuesday. He was very nice. I mentioned the drinking but said I drank 10 shots a day (which is pretty bad) rather than 14-16. In my mind, it was enough to tell him it was a dangerous amount. Telling the real amount was just unwise. I mentioned the self harm, but I didn't mention being suicidal. I think the idea was to tell him enough to make him realize I am very ill but not enough to make him discuss hospital.

I am feeling the same about everyone else. When I last talked to my sponsor, she mentioned inpatient. I had talked about buying a knife (for self harm). She told me to think of it as I can buy the knife but then go inpatient. I bought the knife, but I didn't tell her. I don't want to go inpatient, so it's safer not to tell her how bad things are.

My new psychiatrist did offer to discuss outpatient detox if I brought with me someone who I would stay with. I think B might do that, but I haven't asked. She did offer to let me sleep on her couch any time.. mainly regarding the depression. I might need to take her up on that soon because I am really self destructive. At work, I find myself not wanting to hide the cuts. I want my boss to say something. I want them to realize I need help. Nobody has said anything. I don't want to tell anyone I need help since I was let out of inpatient a month ago.

So much is fucked up in my head. I haven't told anyone the whole truth. I don't know what to do. I really believe I would rather be dead than give up on school, but I also very much want to give up on school.