Home again

So I am home again after 9 days inpatient. It was kind of a frustrating stay. I went in and did the assessment not knowing if they would admit me since I was not at the time suicidal. The person doing the assessment didn't hesitate about saying I need inpatient.

Not going to lie, but I told both my therapist and psychiatrist that I didn't think I needed to be there. My therapist showed me my treatment plan which estimated my discharge date as July 8th or 9th, and I got really upset. I finally had to request to talk to her individually to explain my logic about wanting to go home. I basically said that the things I need to talk about (my job, what happened with rehab, my plans for after this) were too complicated to explain in the few minutes I get in group. I didn't want to try to explain to strangers and start talking about something and thinking about something I wouldn't have time to really process. She was reasonable once I said that. I have trust issues, and my therapist says I can usually tell from the start of someone can be trusted. I didn't trust her.

I ended up being right because there was at least once during my family session she said something I don't think she had a right to say, like asking why I thought I didn't need to be there. My expectation is that what is said in group stays there unless I give her permission to tell my parents. I should never have agreed to the family session.

My parents went on about needing boundaries with me and me needing to be independent. It is not my responsibility to set their boundaries, and I pay my own rent and bills. The most I really ask is if they can give me a ride to the hospital. They can say no.

They brought up me being dishonest and not trustworthy. They mentioned not being able to ask questions without me thinking they're being intrusive. I never said that. I mentioned having reasons not to talk to them. I can't fix what I have done. All I can say is that I will try to act differently. Me sitting and apologizing won't work.

My mom brought up me coming to their house and knowing I had been drinking and their fear about me driving drunk. I awkwardly defended myself by saying I don't drink before driving there. I drink when I get there. Then my dad said they worry about me leaving and being drunk. I gave up because I was not going into detail about how much I drank and knowing how much would metabolize while there. I also was not going to explain that driving in withdrawal isn't safe either because then they would guilt me for that.

Then my therapist did what they always do and asked them if they had gotten counselling. My mom says my dad doesn't like the idea. I really have no desire to do family therapy with them until they get help or show some initiative by seeing a therapist or going to AL Anon. I can't teach them boundaries or communication or maybe not blaming me for my problems and for relapses. My dad even said he thinks relapse is a choice, which is bullshit.

So basically it went as expected.

My depression is better. I think the medication is working. I did admittedly relapse with the eating disorder while there. 4 out of 9 days I ate nothing (not consecutive) and in between there were a couple days where I purged all meals. I was honest about it.

I don't know what will happen now. I am going back to my apartment either tomorrow or Saturday. My roommate inpatient asked the other day if I would stay sober. I said I didn't know. She's like "but you said you were an alcoholic. That's what alcoholics have to do, not drink". I explained that I wasn't there for alcoholism. I was there because I tried to hang myself with a shoelace, which despite what I said the rehab people considered a suicide attempt. She laughed and then apologized. I was fine with it. I have gotten a variety of responses to my attempt to explain that I wasn't trying to kill myself. I admit that while I still believe this, but logically can see that really it was still not sane behavior.

I don't really know about sobriety. I want to drink again. I even fantasized about getting a hotel room and having a clean, relaxing place to binge drink and eat for a couple days. Like a vacation. I intend to go back to AA, but I don't know that I want to be sober.

I am happy to be out, but I am still not letting myself think too much about the future. I need some time. I did start new anxiety medicine after freaking out during group. Basically a patient was being disruptive, and the tech leading group raised his voice at her and lectured us about not letting other people affect our treatment. I don't do conflict or loud noise. I ended up leaving and sitting on the floor of my bathroom with my fingers in my ears because I could still here him and crying. I finally calmed down when he stopped talking and sat crying on my bed. It was a mess, so the next day I asked my doctor to change my anxiety medicine. He added one more medication today despite my protest about not wanting to be on too many medications. I finally agreed to try it. We'll see.

I am also happy to sleep in a normal bed tonight. The last several days my joints and back have been hurting. My feet hurt from the shoes I war and how I insist on sitting with my legs crossed (I don't know the politically correct term for what they used to call indian style) even though it makes one foot fall asleep and the other hurt terribly. It's really stupid. I also had headaches that were mainly the result of either hunger or purging. So basically I need sleep.