To go or not to go

I have been feeling particularly unwell this week. I am used to being tired if I am too lazy to take my levothyroxine or spending so much time in bed. I am used to tremors. However, I have started having chest pains (very mild) and abdominal pain. Both stop when I am drunk and really just happen if I get out of bed and walk much. I don't know if it's the alcohol or poor diet or if I am simply a hypochondriac. I know I haven't been eating much protein and look like I lost muscle/weight. The abdominal pain could be my liver or just *tmi* constipation. The chest pain could be heart related or my imagination. I have had this kind of exhaustion and weakness before and had my potassium be low, but that was when I was vomiting a lot. I have had similar symptoms when I was not drinking but heavily restricting back in my eating disorder days.

I know no one can tell me what to do. I am just trying to work out if I can fix this with food and maybe pedialyte, or I actually have prescription potassium somewhere that I never took. I am trying to decide if I wait and see and avoid even more medical bills, or do I go to the ER. I hate the ER, and I owe money to most local hospitals. I also hate being trapped in bed and poked with a bunch of needles and asked all the stupid questions. I had a particularly bad time last time when in the middle of the night after days without sleep when the nurses decided to change the leads for my heart monitor and just basically undid my hospital gown and had my whole chest exposed and I just cried and nobody commented on me laying there crying or made any hurry to cover me up (I am very uncomfortable with people seeing scars and particularly how I pick at my chest). Plus I have therapy Monday and may well be back in treatment soon. I am honestly not that concerned with dying, but somehow I still worry. I don't like having no control. I don't like how weak I am. I don't like being visibly unwell.

So I don't know what to do. I have been eating more but for some reason sleeping less. I am trying to still rest. I am unfortunately drinking more.. more than 1.75L in 2 days because my response to sleeping less is to try to drink myself back to sleep.

I did manage to leave the apartment today. I had lunch and saw a movie with my family. I was exhausted and shaky and sweaty by the time the movie was over, so I didn't stay for dinner. I could tell my dad was worried, but I needed to get to the liquor store and couldn't risk being too late. I know need is relative there, but liquor stores close Sunday so I couldn't wait until tomorrow. I get sick enough only being sober during the day.

I did not manage to check my mail or email. I didn't pay any bills. Tomorrow my goal is to check my mail and have lunch with a friend. It might be awkward because I told her I would write her in rehab and then eventually texted to explain what happened because I didn't want her to worry that I hadn't. She was grateful to hear from me and was worried. I know her from eating disorder support groups, so she is more understanding than most about mental illness. I have visited her in treatment and written or called when I was. I just still hate admitting relapse. I am still going to go. Wish me luck.