I am no stranger to blacking out. It just hasn't happened in quite a while.. until yesterday. I know I started drinking early. I don't think I left my apartment. I really don't remember much of anything that I did. I checked my phone to see if I texted anyone. I had 3 emails from my mom that I hadn't read. I can remember Sunday, but yesterday is a blank. My only clear memory is waking up to sheets covered in vomit, showering, changing the sheets, and going back to sleep. I also set my alarm for a couple hours before I needed to get up, so today didn't start well.
I had therapy this morning, and I was already feeling off. I couldn't bring myself to explain that I couldn't remember what happened yesterday because it seemed really pathetic that I have been back in my apartment since Sunday and I am back to blacking out. My therapist is already bringing up rehab, but I need to somehow get my shit together and find a job.
I went to my parent's house after that. I had lunch with my mom and brother, then we saw a movie and had dinner. I barely ate dinner because my stomach was not too happy. I also was shaking a bit today.
I am home now. I brought my cats back to my apartment. I feel bad taking them back to the mess that is my apartment, but Nermal at least seems happy to cuddle.
I am doing therapy twice a week now. I am hoping I can do more than stare at the floor and try to piece together memories of the past few days when I go Thursday. Tomorrow I need to manage to buy some groceries and try to do something productive.
I know I've not commented much of late. First, I want to say I'm sorry things didn't go well with rehab. I wish they could deal with suicidal gestures more appropriately, like finding a higher level of care where they can manage those incidences, instead of kicking you out. It's never made sense to me how treatment centers can do that.
ReplyDeleteI really hope the therapy helps. I hate that you're struggling so much, and that it's so hard to find appropriate support.
Keep hanging in there, lovely <3
xxxx