Therapy with my parents was really hard. I expected that. I guess it went ok? I am not sure I am 100% on board with the plan for me. Everyone but me has decided that I should move out of my apartment as soon as possible. They want me to hire someone to clean and pack and put everything in storage. They are talking about me moving to sober living, and that's the main issue. I have lived alone for 6 years. I didn't have good experiences living with roommates in college. I don't want to move home while I find somewhere. It's not because I don't love my parents, but I am 30 and don't want them to have to take care of me.
Eventually, I think it became obvious that I couldn't handle all of the plan. My mind was so overwhelmed and it all felt impossible. I said that right now I need detox. I can barely climb stairs, I am not physically well enough to handle this. I am not mentally well enough to make a bunch of calls to arrange any of this. I am tired and scared, and I can't deal with the future. I have so many unpaid bills that are most of what's on my mind. I don't know how to act normal anymore. I am barely eating. I am pretty convinced that my potassium is low because I got so dizzy when I stood up earlier. My legs and arms are visibly thinner, but my stomach looks bloated.
So I am only thinking about the first step in the plan. Tomorrow I will go to the ER and admit myself for detox. I am not entirely sure if I will end up in the psych ward or if something is medically wrong. I will do what they tell me.
Then when my brain and body are a little better, I will figure out the rest. I am ignoring the medical bills. I am hoping that one of the people from AA who does cleaning can help with the apartment. I don't care if I have to pay. I just feel they're less likely to judge me for the mess. Still. I am not thinking about it. I am honestly just wanting to get some strength.
The plan is to transfer from the hospital to rehab. I don't know where. The agreement was that residential for the bulimia was the only thing that worked for very long, so logically it should help with alcohol. My issue is that the only time I managed to stay sober for long, I only slept on my sponsor's couch for a couple days and then stayed sober over a year. I have tried rehab twice. Once I went and stayed sober for like a week when I got home. The other I basically tried to kill myself. So I don't know what my best option is.
I also learned more about what happened with Dove Tree. Apparently they told my parents that they thought I was trying to manipulate them into something, probably getting kicked out of treatment. They told them I needed a higher level of care and implies I wasn't welcome back. I was told something very different. I was told that transferring to the crisis facility would make it more likely that I could come back. I was told I would have to meet with the treatment team. I admitted that I thought being suicidal was probably about wanting to get out and drink. It can't be that uncommon for someone to become severely depressed or suicidal when their main coping skill is suddenly removed. I was honest about it. They never bothered to be honest with me. My therapist is now trying to get what my mom paid (because I didn't have my debit card) refunded because of how unethical the way I was treated was. I was honestly planning to do it because I paid up front for what insurance wouldn't cover, and I doubt I was there long enough to owe anything.
I am not unwilling to go to treatment. I just can't handle the idea right now. My therapist was very good about saying this was not my fault. I didn't choose alcoholism or depression. It is good that I want treatment.
Dinner with my parents was a little awkward. I had barely eaten all day and was hungry, but after the appetizer I had no appetite. I ordered a veggie burger and after awkwardly taking bites, my mom finally told me not to eat if I didn't want to. She said if I haven't been eating, it was going to be hard to keep down. She had commented on grocery shopping with me to my therapist, so I guess she understands that I haven't been eating. I don't know if she understands that it isn't the eating disorder. I physically can't eat. I am planning to do what the doctors want in detox except that I swear to make them give me something for nausea because I don't want to spend tomorrow puking.
So tomorrow I will go to the hospital. I packed a bag. I just have to take the cats to my parents and then they will take me to the emergency room. Then when I am no longer focused on feeling like shit, I will decide the rest.
No comments:
Post a Comment