I have not had a good week. Two days of being confronted by my parents about the drinking and being threatened with being kicked out didn't stop me drinking a bottle of vodka yesterday. Today I saw my new therapist and it was pointless. I basically listened to her go on about how I need to stop drinking. She also told me she thinks I can't. She asked if I was ready to go to treatment. I had to explain that I can't. I have no money, and I don't know how long I will have insurance. I am kinda hoping to lose it so I don't have to see her anymore. She also asked what feelings I have when I said I drink not to feel. She asked how the depression feels. I tried to explain my anxiety and she didn't seem to get it. I tried to explain that I have repeatedly tried rehab. So did the other people at this place who I have talked to not write anything down or did she not read my chart yet? She asked if I tried journaling and recommended I try it after I had just fucking said I already do. Like the woman has pretty much already given up on me. I mean I already know that I am alcoholic. Telling me that if I have access to alcohol that I will drink is not helpful when I live within walking distance of a liquor store. I have been to rehab. Once I got kicked out for trying out ways to kill myself. Once I attempted to kill myself within a week or so of getting home. I have attempted to find ways to kill myself in other hospitals. I don't want to go back to treatment. I wanted to tell her that I am mostly alive because my parents have my meds locked up and it's almost Christmas. But I am pretty sure that honesty would lead to being back in the hospital. So I mostly stared at the floor.
So I was in a bad mood. I left there and pretended to be normal. I had dinner with my parents. Then I went to AA. I don't think I have ever shared in this group. I have finally stopped leaving early to avoid having to hold hands and pray at the end. I have finally spoken to a couple people. I am making progress. Anyway, I sat down and a man came up to me and gave me a gift because he brought them for people he knows at the group and had an extra. It was a Christmas ornament. And somehow that made me feel better than all of the appointments at the DBT place. I thanked him and shook his hand. I thanked him again after the meeting.
The meeting was about powerlessness. Honestly, people mostly told stories of the crazy things they did while drinking. It was honestly just what I needed because my parents act like I am a pathetic, awful person. My therapist acts like I am hopeless. These people have who have done the same or worse are sober now. They don't judge each other. I am honestly not scared of being judged by them. I am scared because I don't want to hurt them, and my ex sponsor basically told me I am toxic and she doesn't want to talk to me anymore. But I can listen and at least feel like a less worthless excuse for a human being. That's something.
And I don't think I have replied to some comments recently, but I read them and appreciate them. I am just struggling to find words lately. I am struggling not to fall apart. I don't really see any hope or reason to keep going. I am just struggling.
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