Every time I think that things can't get worse, I prove myself wrong. This week has been.. a mess. I really can only be vague because the truth is I don't remember a lot of it. I feel like I've killed enough brain cells that I have trouble piecing together the sober times, and then there are some blackouts that I cannot for the life of me remember.
Like Wednesday... I was supposed to have a job interview and therapy. I can remember waking up barely in time for therapy. I was not sober. I went and was basically told they can't help me and think I need rehab. I tried again to explain that I can't do that and they're basically sending me home to die. I mean I am pretty sure I said I was suicidal and she let me leave. I didn't even stay the whole time.. I wandered around until it was time to go home and that's about all I remember. Hell if I know what happened that evening. I know my mom mentioned yesterday going out to eat with my dad, but I don't think I went with them.. I don't know what I said to them. The next thing I remember is waking up yesterday still pretty drunk. Nobody said anything about it.. I made candied pecans for my dad's birthday. I eventually got dressed and i went to dinner with my family. Then I got home and watched some TV with them and went to bed sober.
Today I got up exhausted. I sat at my computer and cried about how worthless I am. I had to tell my mom that I didn't have therapy today. She asked if it was because I showed up drunk wednesday, so they obviously know. Then she left to go to lunch. I went to the liquor store. Now I am home wondering how my life got to this point. I spent a lot of the night trying to figure out how to kill myself. I can't decide if it would be better to do it before Christmas because frankly nobody probably wants me there. Or do I just attempt it and get put in the hospital? I think I need to be in the hospital, but I don't know how to ask. Plus, I am supposed to have a job interview tomorrow, and since I am so close to being kicked out.. I probably should go. I haven't figure out insurance for January.. but then it doesn't really matter if I don't have therapy.
What the fuck have I done to my life? I feel like a public service announcement about alcoholism at this point. But I also feel like I wouldn't be alive without it. I kind of want to get kicked out and the plan for if that happens isn't pretty. I am just hoping that I am still alive for some reason. Maybe there is some worth for this pathetic life after all? God I hope so.
You are here for a reason. I can't imagine how hard it must be for you right now, but please, please don't give up. Your words are so powerful. Please keep writing.
ReplyDeleteI have no idea what to say since I don't really know you, but I feel like I would regret not saying anything when someone is in so much pain. The present moment may feel awful, but you never know what the future might bring...and it could be wondeful, so please don't give up! Just because you can't see that you matter, doesn't mean you that is the truth. You can't always believe everything your head tells you. Things might not get better as fast as you want, but they DEFINITELY won't get better if you kill yourself. I can't say I have been in your exact situation, but I have been on the verge of giving up on life and myself and all I can say is that I am SO glad I didn't. The biggest thing for me is that I finally accepted that I am here to stay. When I took suicide off my list of options, things slowly started to get better. Don't give up - tomorrow could be the day things turn around. Or maybe it'll take until July of next year...you never know, but that's the point - you've got to stay alive to find out.
ReplyDeleteSorry if this comes across as preachy or rambling...it's just that I can sense how much pain you are in and I really want to convey that I believe in my "heart of hearts" (who came up with that phrase anyway?) that things WILL get better for you.