Highs and lows

I cannot remember exactly when I wrote last, so I might repeat myself. This has been one of those weeks where it feels like God is taunting me. I suppose a better person might view it as Him opening doors to keep me hopeful, but it feels like getting my hopes up and then kicking me down again.

So I had the interview with one bank, and it had sounded in advance like a sure thing. It wasn't. The interview didn't go that well.. it was that sort where they ask formulaic questions and I am not good at that. So Monday I found out they had decided not to hire me. But then I had gotten an email Friday about a phone interview with another bank. So I did that Monday morning. Well.. I had agreed to a call at 10:30 and I did not receive or see an email saying they rescheduled it for 9:30. The interviewer called right after I had woken up, so I was not at my best. It was going ok until she started asking about why I lost my last job. I said I was laid off, but she kept asking questions. Even when I said I took medical leave and had not performed as well after.. she asked if it was normal for someone to be put on probation after medical leave. Like I would know? Nobody else I knew took a month off.. and she asked why, and I was not comfortable explaining about the ECT. Frankly, it was not any of her business. Like she should have just dropped it. So I didn't get that job.

I was starting to feel totally hopeless again.. Like my checking account is overdrawn by like $600. I have $2 in my savings and one maxed out credit card and one not maxed out. I owe money to a million places, and I am not even trying to pay any of it because I have nothing. I had honestly become pretty hopeless and suicidal. Then yesterday I got a call asking if I could interview the next day (today) for yet another bank. I agreed to come in the afternoon since I had a psychiatrist appointment in the morning and my mom was going to lunch with my brother.

My psychiatrist appointment was awkward. I didn't want to explain about the car accidents.. I admitted to drinking. I tried to explain vaguely what was going on, and she used her "talking to a child" voice asking me about some of it. I am NOT a child. I just don't want to go into every detail of why I feel hopeless. She asked about getting a sponsor.. and I did not want to go into that mess. The last conversation I had with my ex-sponsor left me with the impression that I am hopeless and toxic, so yes I am hesitant to involve new people in that. I have spoken to a couple people (!!!) and at least done a reading in a meeting and asked for someone's phone number, so I am making progress.. but I am not just going to ask anyone (because she claims having anyone is better than nothing) when I was hurt badly in the past. She talked about how working on myself is important for me to be able to get a job, but there is a serious risk of me not being able to afford insurance and copays in the near future.. so getting a job is required for me to continue therapy. I don't think she understands how broke I am.

But I survived and basically had her keep my medication the same. Prior to my interview, I did something really pathetic.. my mom went to lunch with my brother. I walked to the liquor store. It's about .5 miles each way. I bought a bottle of vodka and walked home. I drank some before my interview. The interview went.. well? It was strange. They didn't ask that many questions. I talked about the last bank I worked at.. customers, sales, what I liked, what I did. I really am good at customer service and I enjoy it. It doesn't seem like it.. I somehow can detach from the depression and everything and put on my customer service mask, and people love me. Customers loved me. So I mostly just talked about what I know. They seemed happy. It was more of a conversation than an interview. Then the service manager showed me all around the bank while the manager called to find out about benefits for part time employees. That was it.. they said they'd call about the benefits question and the position. So I took that as a positive, but i am not getting my hopes up at this point.

Oh and I have been basically eating everything in sight and gaining a ton.. so that's lovely. I am going to start working on it soon. I mean I spend at least a couple hours a day on a pro-ana website, so you wouldn't expect me to be such a fatass. I just find stress eating so natural when I am not drinking, so I almost feel like drinking is better.

In the midst of all this, our dog was sick. I think it was Monday or Tuesday we took her to the vet because she was stumbling around and struggling to walk. We got her in 2004 when I was still in high school, so we feared the worse. My dad assumed it was a stroke. I had no idea. The doctor diagnosed it as vestibular disease which manifests a bit like vertigo. They gave her a shot of medicine. I didn't make it to AA that night because of timing and because I wanted to be home to help because basically someone had to walk with her to help with balance or she would fall.. and then she'd be terribly anxious about falling and go back to sleeping under the bed. By the next day, she was actually able to go for a walk. She fell once trying to walk across the linoleum in the house, but she was fine outside. We still haven't gotten her to eat... except she ate something off the ground outside today that I seriously hope was a treat that was left there. I have been trying to be helpful by taking her out since I live here without paying rent.. at least I can help? Plus, we've had our dog Katy since I was in high school. I didn't live here for much of that, but she's still my dog. It's funny because my cat Odd has also been involved in all this. He sleeps by the dog. When Katy falls and retreats to the bedroom, Odd goes running after her. It reminds me of how Odd was when Mudge was old.. only Katy is even less interested in his help than Mudge was (and Mudge didn't much like him).

I have been thinking through all of this of what I will do if I survive this. I don't plan to stay in banking forever. I also don't really want to go back to biology research. I have thought about becoming a nurse.. or a vet tech.. or something. I feel like I need to be directly serving someone, but I don't know. I don't really see into the distant future. I am more just surviving. The farthest I am planning is how I will deal with money if I get a job. What will I pay first? Then maybe I am thinking of getting out of my parents house.. but honestly at times this includes the thoughts of running away and killing myself, so I avoid focusing on that. It is about now. It is currently about staying alive through christmas.

*edit* Not that anyone else cares but Katy ate! I got her to eat 2 treats after we got home from dinner. We sometimes throw treats for her to find in the yard, so I threw 2 (to her because she doesn't really need to be running) and she ate them. Then my mom mixed some rice and turkey for her later. She hadn't eaten for a couple days, so we were thrilled that she ate it all. She's 14.. I know she is not immortal, but I am not ready to lose her. She took a lot of work. She was so shy we could barely touch her at first. Now she basically insists on being petted. She is amazing.