Last week I had several arguments with my parents about my drinking. No arguments Thursday-Now. Except, Sunday I went shopping with my parents.. there was some discussion about having mason jars at the house.. and they were in my room because that had previously basically been storage. Well, in the evening I go to a meeting and my dad drives me. I get home and my mom comments that there are jars in my room and what size they are. I go to change later and check to see if the empty bottle is there that I had filled with vodka Saturday night.. Sunday I finished the rest off, so it would have been empty. It was gone. So obviously my mom found it in my room and threw it away. I wait and wait and she doesn't say anything. Monday morning I hear her and my dad leave in the morning. I wake up and look at the calendar and see an appointment with a name and time.. I google it and see that it's a therapist. So I live in fear that it had to do with me and that I would be confronted and kicked out later, but nobody said anything to me.
So I don't know if this is counselling because they have been fighting more.. or this has to do with me.. or what? But I honestly at this point am open to whatever happens. I mean I have accepted that I will likely kill myself if they kick me out.. but I am not going to involve myself in the decision. I know that I have done a lot of shit to this family. I know I am worthless and a waste of money. I am only doing what I can. I am applying for jobs. I have an interview tomorrow and one saturday for retail jobs. I applied for the healthcare.gov insurance, but it was nearly as expensive as COBRA.. so I have to appeal that or apply for medicaid. I haven't asked if my parents will pay for COBRA again. I know I can't do DBT if they don't, but I am still not convinced that I want to do that after the last couple appointments with my therapist. I am hoping to get a job and be able to at least pay for insurance.
I am not doing well with drinking. I today finished and threw away the bottle for the cooking wine. I walked to the liquor store in the fucking rain. My dad recently fixed the security cameras on the front and back door.. I briefly debated climbing out my bedroom window to avoid the cameras, but I decided to just say fuck it and hope he doesn't really have time to watch the footage of every time the back door is opened. I honestly wonder if I am the reason he fixed them.. but it's probably more about the packages he gets for Christmas. I finally said fuck it and just went and bought 2 bottles of vodka. I hid them under my soaked sweatshirt walking back in. Honestly.. if they say anything, I am tempted to ask if this is pathetic enough to make them realize that I do NOT enjoy my drinking. I walked in the fucking rain until my shoes and the bottom of my pants and my hoodie were drenched to buy the vodka.. I came home and did a phone interview for a job. I am not enjoying this. I am miserable. I have debated for days if a week of pills is enough to kill me. I am living for them, and i am miserable. Friday I didn't drink and at some point at night I started basically sobbing.. sobbing because I am unhappy, I am worthless.. I am supposed to be making Christmas presents but I know that no one will actually want them.. so why bother? I just don't want to sit there with nothing to give. I want someone to understand that if I were a sensible person I would look at all these consequences and stop drinking, but I am not. I am an alcoholic and nothing is enough to stop this. I welcome death.
I explained to another therapist Friday about why I don't want to go back to rehab. I stop drinking and am confronted with all the feelings that alcohol numbs, and those places can't handle the results. Usually, I become suicidal and they threaten to send me somewhere else.. which would be a mental health facility that medicates me but doesn't deal with the behaviors so I go home and drink. I tried to get him to see that the depression and anxiety are the root of everything. I cannot tolerate emotion. I need to learn that before I can feel capable of not drinking. I HATE everything involved in drinking. I just like to be numb. I realize that this isn't normal.. and I want help. I want to be different. I just feel like DBT and therapy are more important than sending me somewhere that will get me sober and expect me to go home and handle life.
I doubt my parents will confront me based on the cameras. I saw on the calendar another appointment with the mystery name. I am not going to ask unless someone volunteers the information. I am just going to keep trying to clear my side of the street. I am probably going to lie about my drinking tomorrow because I know that I need therapy to deal with problems that have nothing to do with alcohol. I may try to get her to understand that because I don't think she understands me. I might print some entries from this blog because I do better in writing than in person. I honestly don't even mind being put in the hospital. I just want to either die or be someone else.
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