The wreckage of our present

I started to write the other day, but then my parents were around and I don't like blogging around them. I particularly didn't want to do it at that time because well.. it will make sense once I write about the past week.

Let me preface this with a request. I am well aware of how much I have fucked up. Please keep in mind that I am an alcoholic. I have a mental illness. Also please keep in mind that pretty much all of us have fucked up pretty badly at some point in our lives. So basically.. no hate.

Last week I moved my stuff out of my apartment.. sort of. It was a lot for one person to do, but I couldn't bring myself to pay anyone to pack or ask my parents to pay rather because I'm broke. Because it is really difficult to go back there given I spent the majority of my 6 years in that apartment either drunk or depressed and self destructive. I trashed that apartment, and it reached a point where I basically lived in my bed. I ate in my bed, slept in my bed, drank in my bed, and otherwise just watched Netflix. So my solution to the difficult emotions of moving was to drink before/during packing.. I generally didn't drink until I got to the apartment. I also was drinking at home before bed at night. Well, my dad scheduled the movers to come at 7am last Wednesday, and the day before I kind of said fuck it and that I would finish cleaning after they came. But I am never up that early.. so I was exhausted and still a bit drunk when I drove to the apartment to meet them. I then drank more at the apartment because I was upset by how the movers treated me. I managed to get in not 1 but 2 accidents that day. One of which I rear ended someone and freaked out (this was on the way there). I didn't see damage, so being an idiot I just drove off. The 2nd a truck stopped suddenly in front of me, and I slammed on the brakes but still hit them. I did give them my insurance.. and a cop stopped and gave me a ticket for following too closely and called the tow truck because my car was totaled. I amazingly didn't get a DUI but he did ask about if I was on medication because I know I was having trouble answering questions because of the combination of being exhausted, at least slightly drunk, and just really upset. I really don't remember all the details.. like I remember the truck I hit but not exactly where I was. No one was hurt, and I have insurance that will pay for the damage.

My parents were fucking pissed. I guess from the comments they made, they knew I was drunk.. and I think the movers had said something about that too. Also.. as if they weren't pissed enough, 2 state troopers later showed up at the house about the 1st accident to give me a ticket for leaving the scene. There were some arguments. I otherwise didn't speak to them that day. Since then.. there have been more arguments. I have no car to drive, so my mom had to take me to drop off my keys at my apartment complex the next day. I didn't bother finishing cleaning because I knew I was in no shape to do it since I didn't sleep or have any alcohol that night. I just gave up. They are now driving me to meetings and waiting in the car to make sure I don't leave and go drink. I otherwise am sitting around the house. But they are speaking to me now? It's still awkward as fuck. I am ashamed of everything.

I am now without a car and so basically only going out if my parents are. I don't have a job still. I had one interview last week, and they turned me down. I had a phone interview today and have put in a few more applications. My thought is I can get a bus pass to get to any job I get. I don't know.

Mentally I have been unwell.. I have not been able to buy vodka so the withdrawal was bad at first. I resorted to drinking a bit of cooking wine. I have since looked at about everything in the house in search of alcohol. I have gone to meetings and sat there trying to think of how to get a drink. I have also contemplated how to get enough of my pills to attempt suicide, but then I would hate to do that before Christmas. The first 2 days after the accidents, I didn't sleep at all. I have since slept some but not full nights. I am still exhausted but trying to act as normal as possible because I am paranoid they will think I am drinking when I'm not. I am generally just anxious all the time, depressed, ashamed, and overall clueless about where to go from here. I don't really want to stop drinking. I am just sort of forced to. If I could, I would.. so I don't know what the future holds because sooner or later I will have the opportunity to buy liquor. They can't watch me forever. I just don't know how to get to where I want something in life more than I want to be drunk and not think or feel. I am not hopeful. I just am. I am just existing.

So that's my update. I will try to update again when there is something worth mentioning.