Awkward therapy appointment

So I had therapy today for the first time in several weeks. I cancelled my appointment the day before the whole motel thing happened because I was avoiding my parents. Then I was in the hospital for two weeks. 

I got to update her on the whole suicide attempt and everything after. I admitted that I have been reading all the test results from the hospital and today the itemized bill to get an idea what happened during the parts I don't remember. This includes at least one seizure.. probably more judging by the amount of lorazepam I was billed for. I also was on anticonvulsants. I had a couple abnormal ECGs and really elevated creatine kinase and a diagnosis of rhabdomyolysis which is caused by breakdown of muscle and can cause kidney damage. That actually explains how much trouble I had sitting up and why they kept telling me to lay back down. Anyway, I feel sort of happy that I was so sick because I hate the idea of attempting and having no damage. It makes me feel like a waste of people's time. We talked about the fact that I have no plans to do anything right now, but I always have a backup plan. I always kind of assume that eventually I will succeed. There's just a sort of hopelessness that never goes away. 

It was all kind of awkward. I don't normally talk about the suicidal thoughts. I don't know why I did today. 

I had to email my job twice to get them to finally tell me they hired a replacement for me. I still got emailed the schedule, and they asked for doctors notes... So how was I supposed to know? Now I keep thinking of passive aggressively telling the office manager that I tried to kill myself if anyone asks how I am doing(they don't really know the details) because I am angry at how this was handled. They have every right to fire me since I didn't call in sick. I just didn't show. But they should have just told me. They mentioned in the email how much it inconvenienced them, but I have decided not to feel guilty for how I inconvenienced anyone. If I was in such a bad place that I wanted to die, I was not doing it to hurt people. I won't feel guilty for a suicide attempt. I did what felt like my only option at the time. 

So I am still feeling pretty down. I am mostly ambivalent about life right now. I am tired... It might be my meds. I am sick of being around my parents all the time. I just want a day where I don't have to talk to anyone. I also really want a drink. I am still existing though...

This is my life...

So I don't always include a trigger warning... but yeah.. trigger warning on this.

The last 2 weeks have been hell.. aided only by the fact that I don't remember several days at all. That's also a bad thing. So on Feb 12th (if I am getting this right), I drank a lot on my lunch at work and ended up throwing up all over myself on the way home from dinner with my parents. They were understandably angry, so I ended up hiding in my room through that night and the next day. Then comes the bit I only barely remember.

February 14th (only recently realized it was Valentines day) I got a motel room for myself. I don't really remember if my parents had gone out or how I managed to leave without them stopping me. I know that I bought alcohol. I think I must have turned my phone off or ignored it because I have a ton of missed texts from them and from work over the 3 days I was there. All I remember from the motel is that I ordered pizza and it got there and I didn't want it. It ended up just sitting on the table and I picked at it a little. I think I ordered other food another day. I was there for 3 days. The only other thing I remember is trying to walk and falling down a lot.. like my legs are covered in scabs. I remember being afraid someone in another room would think there was a fight going on or something else happening because I kept trying to walk (I think to the bathroom) and then hitting the floor.

So I don't remember the rest of what happened. Apparently, I OD'd on my meds at some point, and on the 17th ended up having someone call the police and being taken by ambulance to the ER. I was in the ICU at first and then a medical ward. I know my chart says I was hallucinating. I mainly remember them trying to get me to stay in the bed.. and when they'd tell me to like sit up or roll on my side I could hardly do it. My body wouldn't cooperate. I was in that hospital for 5 days. I obviously didn't deal with any of the texts from work during that time. The last night I was supposed to stay and then see psych the next morning. I had the brilliant idea to check myself out AMA.

Except, they didn't give me my wallet when I left. I think it was with hospital security or on another floor or something.. so I only left with my phone, my ID, and my insurance card. I was also wearing those disposable hospital scrubs and socks. I tried to figure out how to get a hotel room and then hopefully finish the job but couldn't figure out what to do without my wallet. I walked to Walmart and tried to figure out if I could buy a prepaid visa card or something using my phone. I finally gave up and called my parents. They took me home.. but were obviously angry.

The next morning, I got up and tried to leave again. I even scheduled the Lyft ride and a motel room. My dad was awake and stopped me. He and my mom talked me into going inpatient. I packed a bag and they took me to the ER. I was there for 5 hours before being transferred to a psych hospital.

It was not the greatest hospital.. but I was cooperative. They changed my meds. I went to the groups. I do feel somewhat better. I mean.. I want to drink, but I am no longer actively suicidal. They only kept me 5 days, and my parents weren't happy about that. In my defense, I never asked to be sent home or even questioned when I would be discharged. So either they felt I was ready or my insurance didn't want to approve more days. I spent a fair amount of time trying to remember what happened during those blackout days. It was watching TV commercials that I remembered the pizza sitting on the table.. and looking at the scabs on my legs that I remembered falling down. The rest is still a blank.

My parents managed to get my wallet from the hospital, but my laptop wasn't there. So I got to awkwardly call the motel and thankfully they still had it. The motel manager said he was glad I was alright.. which made me feel guilty.

I had the social worker send a letter to work saying I was in the hospital. I then at some point while IP checked my voicemail using one of the unit phones.. so I got to hear the missed voicemails from the office manager. I ended up calling her.. and she said the vet had said I was in the hospital. I am unsure if he knew because of the letter or if I called.. but the only call listed on my phone was February 14th, which is before the hospital. So anyway.. she said he had asked her to call the next day and check on me. She said I would need to get doctors notes for the time I was gone.. so I guess I haven't been fired? I sent her one doctors note (from the psych hospital and it awkwardly says Haven Behavioral Center on it.. so obviously a psych hospital) and then part of the discharge notice from the other because I hadn't thought to get a note because I wasn't exactly in my right mind while in the medical hospital.. but I have documentation of when I was there. I just had to carefully edit out any of the details about why because I am still hoping to just say it was depression and not bring up the alcoholism or at least the extent of the alcoholism. I don't know. I haven't heard back from her yet, but it's the weekend. It's going to be awkward any way I handle it because it's a long time to unexpectedly be out.

My parents want me to find some kind of intensive outpatient now... they don't think 5 days in the hospital was enough therapy. I feel like I have done enough therapy over the past 18 years that I am not going to learn anything new. I will look into it tomorrow. The social worker at the hospital was pretty useless as far as referrals. She just gave me info for that hospital's IOP (and I was not impressed by that place), one that doesn't take insurance, and one that would interfere with work and I specifically asked for an evening IOP. I am currently considering paying out of pocket for the one that doesn't take insurance because it at least sounds like it involves some different therapies. One place mentions yoga and I have no interest in that. I know there's more out there than what she gave me, so now that I have my computer I can look into it. Today I am taking it easy.

Currently debating if I go back to work if I am going to tell people why I was in the hospital or just say I was in the hospital. If I say I tried to kill myself, at least they'll probably not ask more questions.. but that's probably awkward. If I just say I was in the hospital, that could lead to gossip and questions about why.. and saying I am not comfortable talking about it won't help. I don't think my parents want me going back to work full time, but in my opinion the whole point of IOP is to keep you busy. Work would keep me busy and earn money instead of costing money.

I don't know. Thank you if you got to the end of this. I needed to vent because there's a lot going through my head and I don't get to talk about it. 

pictures

Me and the cat that belongs to a coworker. My expression is because I had to explain it's not nice to try to eat my face

My kids 

Still fighting

I am sorry I haven't been active. I guess I thought my posts were repetitive. I have since my last post gotten settled in a new house with my parents and found a new job. My insurance changed and my new therapist encouraged journalling. 

My eating disorder and self harm are still pretty much gone. My drinking is not. I had one major binge that resulted in me falling several times and many bruises and maybe a broken nose (never saw a doctor) and one where I blacked out and couldn't remember most of the day. Otherwise, I am drinking less. I missed a couple days of work with that first binge and also had to wear a lot of makeup because I work at a veterinary clinic and the vet asked about my nose and if I had an X ray. 

My parents have confronted me a few times about the drinking, but they haven't suggested inpatient. Honestly, I would go if money wasn't an issue. Most of the time they act like everything is fine. They are still arguing a lot, which is a big trigger. They're in therapy, but I feel like it's not helping. I would be a hypocrite if I questioned it. 

I now work in the kennel at a veterinary clinic. I love the animals.. the people are a challenge. I got a rough start because I had only worked a few days before calling in sick or leaving early because the drinking made me too weak to work. I feel like no one talks about (or maybe experiences) how a drinking binge leaves you unable to spend time not in bed. This meant I felt awkward around everyone and didn't feel comfortable talking to them. I work a lot with a guy who is lazy and expects me to do most of the work. Other people have noticed and talked to the owner/vet about it. One person has told me to boss him around, but they don't pay me enough to supervise someone who has worked there longer than me. I just pick up the slack and hope they can see how hard I am working. The vet recently told me how good I am doing. I still feel drawn to work with animals. I think my life helps me understand their anxiety. I have had validation when a dog I affectionately called a little jerk (it's all about tone of voice) always wanted to be with me and barked to keep other dogs away from me. I talk to them because it seems reassuring. I am not as rough with them as one guy is. I give them a kiss on the forehead if they are good for their bath. I am still a cat person because cats are low maintenance and independent, but the dog cuddles seriously keep me going. I actually feel like I am good at this, but I don't think it pays enough to live on. I am thinking about becoming a vet tech. That or I need a job that would make it possible to have my own place and more rescue cats. 

So I will try to update more. I think it helps me organize my thoughts. I just want to get to where I enjoy life and don't just function. 

Honesty

I know I have not written in a while. I felt like I was just repeating myself. We have been in the new house since August, but they haven't actually finished moving out of the old house. Like Wednesday I got surprised with having to go and take at least a dozen wagons full of branches from the bushes my dad decided to cut down (that were there when they moved in 20+ years ago) but couldn't actually handle the effort. My mom bitched about him all day, so I really don't think anyone can judge me for drinking.

So I went to therapy and said a lot I haven't told her. I mentioned that I had a close friend in high school during my really suicidal time that was in a car accident and had brain damage. I still carry the guilt of only seeing her once in the hospital. I helped paint her nails. She was totally not mentally there. I mentioned it while saying that I listen to music and watch shows repeatedly for comfort. She and her other friend in art class got me hooked on Bright Eyes... Which I have to limit listening to because I associate them with those friends and my plan to kill myself that summer.

Then I basically explained how I read something recently that there's no bad reason to keep living. It is mainly my cats these days. My goal in life is to be a crazy cat lady. I want to rescue animals. I have accepted I probably won't have kids. I actually explained the few guys I dated. One tried to pressure me into making out and made me feel uncomfortable. The second I went on 3 dates and had terrible sex with. Then he never asked me out again. The last one I only saw for sex, and I had to be drunk to do it.. and it was never fun. So I finally decided to give up on dating or sex. I feel empowered that asexual is now a valid sexuality, and it isn't just a symptom of mental illness. I am not opposed to dating, but it's my last priority.

Anyway... It was way more than I have ever shared. It was kind of cathartic. It was proof I am still working on myself. There is so much introspection that is silent and too deep to share, but I told her a lot. I am trying. I am just mainly clinging to any little thing of value in my life because anything is a reason to go on.

But if uploading works, here is my baby boy with a tiny pumpkin. That's a reason to live, right?

The good, the bad, the ugly

I'm sorry I haven't felt like posting. Things have been changing, and I didn't know what to say or if anyone would read it.

So I survived the move. I had to leave my job. I cried because the dogs knew. They were so affectionate and clingy during my last group. One dog kept grabbing me and licking my ears. One dog I love so much wasn't there, so I visited when I was in town for therapy. I gave the dog so many kisses. They didn't act like that was so weird. I did give notice. It's just such a drive.

I survived the move. We're still working on it. My stuff (like 3 boxes) is unpacked. I knew I needed my stuffed Pusheen and the bedding to sleep. It's been almost a week, and I have set the boundary that I will help unpack the other stuff if they tell me what to do.

I am drinking.. I may have paid to get a Lyft to a liquor store. However, today I messaged my ex sponsor.. which is really awkward because probably about 2 years ago she told me she had to give me to god. It was as I was moving home, and it pretty much made me feel toxic. Today, I was sad.. very sad, so I texted her to see if the women's meeting I used to go to is still happening tomorrow.

She said she was happy to hear from me. She goes to another group now but said she would meet me there tomorrow morning. She said she looks forward to seeing me. I have no idea what to say to her tomorrow. There is so much good and bad. I think I will cry because I haven't been back to see anyone from AA in this town for.. I guess years. I didn't realize until after the text that it's been that long. I don't know.. I am crying typing this. I am hoping to maybe make friends nearby. I am also unsure about making my parents drive me there. I just wonder if I still have friends there. I have only had my parents and co-workers for so long. It is hard to think of having friends. That and knowing I can't get alcohol as easily and need to stop... So I am watching Netflix in bed. I do have a TV in my room now, so that's another positive. I will try to update more tomorrow

Also, I have been really honest with my therapist. The goal has honestly been to stay out of the hospital and stay alive. I set little goals like update my resume, pack/unpack, and basically a couple things I can manage. I focus on the positive things and don't really process the rest. I don't know how this will work long term, but it's working

Self care is...

So I am really struggling these days with drinking. I went from occasional binge drinking to drinking pretty much daily, and I am starting to feel the toll it takes on my body. I'm exhausted.. my stomach is upset.. and I have this constant feeling like I am being strangled that I know is a sign of anxiety and sometimes a withdrawal symptom. I don't know how to describe that feeling, but my throat gets really tight. The past couple days I have been nauseous and thrown up repeatedly (when sober) because my stomach doesn't appreciate the alcohol. Then I get nauseous because I am really hungry... it's a fun cycle. I am forcing myself to eat because it won't help to be malnourished on top of this.

So anyway, I have been honest in therapy about everything going on. I don't know if it's actually good or if my sick mind just appreciates it, but my current therapist is very understanding about the drinking being a coping mechanism as well as an addiction. She understands my perspective that it's a lesser evil than the suicidal thoughts and the self harm. She knows that I am struggling to cope with my impending move and not knowing what to do with my life, so we are mostly trying to prevent things getting out of hand. My parents are going to a concert and staying at a hotel after tomorrow night, and I am planning some self care. For me that is not always the stereotypical stuff like facials and spa days. It is allowing myself to drop the act. I keep up a self imposed set of rules to appear to be normal. I don't go to bed before 11 or wake up past 10. I eat meals with my parents and run errands and go to work. I shower at least 5-6 days out of the week and either wash my hair or recently switched to a cleansing conditioner because it does less damage.

Tomorrow the plan is to relax. I ordered food from Whole Foods because my parents hate going there, but as a vegetarian I appreciate that they carry so many brands and products I can't get anywhere else. Field Roast came out with some new products (fake corndogs and fake buffalo wings) that I have been dying to try but only are sold at Whole Foods and I guess some Walmarts (not the ones I have been to). I also bought Halo Top because sometimes ice cream is necessary. My therapist asked today to make sure I am eating, and I am. I just have trouble making myself eat unappealing food, so I am eating what sounds good. Yesterday I drank a non-diet soda because I knew I needed to raise my blood sugar at work but couldn't manage solid food. This is overcoming a major ED rule.. and honestly predates the ED because as a child I was only allowed diet soda too. I just know that low blood sugar only makes things worse. I am going to enjoy trying some new vegan products because I am constantly seeing new veg recipes and products that sound awesome to me but not my omnivore parents. I subscribe to a vegan magazine and that's how I saw ads for these products. I am ordering them because FUCK it I have the money saved up to make a frivolous purchase. I am also going to dye my hair. I have red dye I ordered because my current color faded, and I have the purple semi-permanent color I bought the last time I dyed it but didn't have the energy to try. I am planning either streaks or something similar to the balayage technique people do with highlights (basically painting it on). Hair is one of the few things I feel confident about. I also don't like doing it when my parents are home. In all honesty, I prefer to be able to walk around topless when I dye my hair because I don't want dye on my clothes. I don't get that freedom much.

Besides that.. I plan to drink and go to sleep before 11.. I might sleep on the couch with Netflix on. I am just freaking exhausted. I want to drop the act and sleep. Then the plan is to taper myself off the alcohol before it gets so bad that I have full on withdrawals. I discussed options with my therapist.. limiting what I buy, not taking my wallet to work (I can walk to a liquor store on my lunch break), and buying a worse tasting vodka. The idea is to wean myself off in a way that doesn't cause the horrible insomnia that comes with withdrawal that always leads back to drinking. I finally feel like the consequences are bad enough to motivate me to stop for now. I am not committed to never drinking again. That doesn't feel realistic. I just want to stop doing it everyday. I want to not be physically dependent on it. I also want to look into support groups besides AA. I would not say I am an atheist these days, but God and I are not on speaking terms. My current AA group is really big on God.. the ones that started off agnostic or atheist talk about how they go to church now. My last sponsor told me to pray whether I believed it or not. I do not believe God is the only solution to my problems. I also think that a lot of people I hear had a problem with alcohol or drugs but not preexisting mental health problems. For me not drinking is only a small part of a much larger issue. I cannot be alone in my own head. That leads to all kinds of bad thoughts and urges that don't go away when I'm sober. Alcohol has honestly saved my life so many times because those thoughts go away when I drink. I was very unhappy at points in sobriety, so I do not think working the steps for drinking will fix things. I need to find a way to fix my brain, and AA doesn't do that. I am going to research other programs like Smart Recovery that I have heard is non-religious or maybe groups through NAMI for mental health.. currently I know a man in AA who seriously annoys and offends me that goes to the NAMI groups, so I have to find ones that are somewhere else if I do that because I cannot stand him. He tells these really offensive jokes to people before meetings and he cross-talks and just really bothers me. I just know that I need therapy and mental help to overcome my underlying issues to make the alcohol less necessary. Right now the first step is going to be rest. I am going to try to enjoy myself alone in the house tomorrow and drop the act. I am going to buy products that are vegan because I do actually have strong feelings about eating meat and animal products. I don't have a lot of morals, but I value this. I do not feel I can be an animal lover and eat animals.. I want to give up dairy and eggs but I don't know how to do that living with my parents. They buy most groceries now, so I am staying vegetarian for now. I am trying when I buy things with my own money to support brands that fit my values.. more vegan, more cruelty free. I am going to look into non-spiritual solutions to my NOT spiritual problem. I am going to do my best to cope, and I am ok with that meaning drinking right now. I will try to taper off, but I am happy with anything that keeps me alive. I have to hold out that there is hope.. and honestly my main hope is to be a crazy, vegan cat lady. I want to adopt a bunch of cats and live on my own and go vegan. I want to adopt old cats that can't find homes. I want to acknowledge that I don't think I care about having a human partner. My dad sometimes jokes about how the term asexual is not really a sexuality/identity and just a life choice. I love that people are trying to make not having sex and not having relationships a lifestyle and not a mental illness. I am not saying I am asexual.. I don't really know, but I only have dated and had sex because society views it as normal. I put myself in some awkward situations because I felt I should be interested in men. Now I don't think having a husband or children is likely for me, but I want to give animals a home. I want to take homeless animals and give them however many happy years they have left. I don't know if I would foster them or just adopt them and be the stereotypical crazy cat lady.. I'm cool with that. I can hope for that. I don't hope for a normal family. I just want independence and a happy existence.

So this has been a lot of rambling, but I am so caught up in my head these days with no one to talk to. I have so many goals and dreams that are out of my reach right now because of finances. I have to hold onto every little thing I can do that fits these dreams.. be it dyeing my hair or buying vegan corndogs... I do not make enough to live alone right now, so I have to do whatever I can to be happy. My whole point with this was that self care isn't always a spa day.. it's doing what doesn't exhaust your soul. It's doing things that make you cling to life and hope and not think about death. Existence is different when you have a mental illness, and that's ok.. my goals are very different than a lot of people.. but I can celebrate my accomplishments. I am still so far from my worst, but I am still far from my best. I cling to the idea that I can do good in this world because for so long I have had no goals. I will live to be a crazy cat lady (or maybe dog lady) and imagine sleeping in a bed with a whole bunch of animals that love me and whose lives I have saved. Fuck humans.. I honestly feel more at home with animals.

So yeah.. sorry I don't update often if anyone still reads this. I am just trying to survive. Forgive my ramblings, but I don't have much outlet for this anymore..