Because things can never just be good

I swear my mind can't handle things being ok. I am a little terrified at the thought of being happy.

My parents drove me to the women's meeting. Everyone is super proud of me for getting sober. I kept wondering if in 2 weeks when I hopefully can go home, will I drink again? My parents took me by my apartment to get some things, and my wonderful, honest self also stashed a few Librium in my purse.

Honestly, the logic was that I haven't slept properly in several days. I am so tired. I think physically I am still not well. I still get tired walking up stairs or trying to get out of the car. There's an AA meeting close to my parents house. My mom has mentioned that I could probably walk there. I am not sure how to say that I am concerned that I am not strong enough because I don't think they really acknowledge how sick I was.

I have been so exhausted all day. I am probably taking the Librium tonight, so maybe I can sleep.

I am worried about work. I have to get a note from my doctor about how long I need off work because the paperwork from the hospital said I only needed 2 weeks. I just worry he won't send it because doctors can be lazy about paperwork. Plus, I am just worried about being gone a month. Legally, I am allowed, but I don't know how people reacted to this. I didn't even actually speak with my manager. The boss originally asked me to keep her updated because she was concerned when I talked to her, and I don't know if I should email her. I don't know what to say. I don't know if I should be vague or tell her the truth. I feel like it would be better to at least say something to explain why I am taking a month off. So basically I am obsessing. It isn't helping.

And the suicidal thoughts are back. I even thought that although I am not allowed to drive, nobody took my keys. I could wait till my parents and busy and leave and go to my apartment to get pills. But if I disappear to some hotel, they would probably eventually call the police. So really I need to wait out the next 2 weeks at least before deciding if I want to self destruct again.

Psych Wards x 2

My parents were relatively understanding about me needing to go inpatient. They were much more understanding once they visited me in the hospital and realized how bad the depression was.

I spent 6 hours in the er before going inpatient. The doctor expressed major concern about my liver. I got fluids, Valium, vitamins. The psych ward was ok. It was small and relatively calm. At some point the psychiatrist said my liver tests were the worst he has ever seen in someone my age. He made med changes but nothing helped the depression. I finally suggested I try ECT. That's how desperate I was.

So I was transferred to another hospital he works at that does ECT. I spent the whole time either begging to go home or sobbing because I basically wished I had just let myself die. My parents would visit and I just cried on my mom's shoulder and she would tell me it would get better.

That hospital was scary. I couldn't sleep because I could hear patients yelling and swearing or throwing and breaking things. I went to a few groups but was generally scared to leave my room. My roommate had someone throw hot coffee in her face.

While in the first hospital, I became seriously obsessive about food. I was scared of the entrees because they were so oily. I just basically ate vegetables and occasionally potatoes. Second hospital I had multiple arguments when my doctor put me on a new that has to be taken with a meal because he didn't seem to get that I might choose skipping the meal and the med over eating.

Today I woke feeling a little better. I went for my first and begged to go home. I told him about the coffee thing. I explained that I would stay with my parents who could drive me to outpatient ECT, and he agreed.

I can't drive because of the ECT and my parents have to dispense my meds, but it is still better than that hospital. I can't tell if they're happy about the arrangement, but I think they're happy that I am not sobbing today. I am just hoping he didn't like tell them details I mentioned about my suicidal thoughts. He made some comment to me about how he was only letting me go because I was staying with them and "No drinking in hotels" which was part of the suicide plan. I don't want him to have told my parents and them think I have actually done that before. It was just a fantasy. I am also hoping that I only have to stay for a couple weeks until I can drive again.

Medical leave

I told the boss at work that I am not well. I just can't seem to function. I am so tired. I talked to her and the HR guy and am now on medical leave. She asked if I could continue working while I figured out treatment. I said yes and then no. So she sent me home and asked me to let her know how things go. She's telling my supervisor. It was kinda awkward because I got there and went to her office and then left without speaking to anyone else.

I texted my former sponsor, which I feel bad about. She asked if I could go to a meeting today. I told her I probably shouldn't drive (although I drove to work and back) because I am shaky and crying and dizzy. I think she's trying to find someone to take me there.

I really hope they don't try to take me to the hospital tonight. I really want to sleep tonight, pack a bag for either hospital or my parents house, and tomorrow I will talk to them. Then I will go. I want to pack my clothes so nobody will go to my apartment. I bought toiletries. I want to sleep. I have committed to doing something by telling my boss. I just want tonight to let it sink in.

Well I went to AA tonight because my ex sponsor asked if I could. I cried a lot. Several people I know from before were very happy to see me. People I didn't expect to have a reaction to me being there came and talked to me and hug me. I talked to my friend. I think the first thing I really said is I am scared. I explained how I am scared of dying. I explained how I am scared of not dying and just losing my ability to function and what would happen. We talked about how fear is good. Pain is good. Because beyond that is not being scared of dying, and I have been there. Just now I think I actually am at risk of dying, and I need to get help while I am still scared.

I ended up emailing my parents about what's going on, so I could ask about them watching the cats. I plan to pack a bag to take with me. I don't know if I will go to the hospital tomorrow, but that way I am ready if they want me to go. I said I would explain more when I see them. It was really painful being at a meeting and being reminded that there is a world that isn't work or my bed. It hurt being reminded that people are out there that love me, but it also reminded me that if things don't change I might lose them. As guilty as I felt texting my friend, I knew she would be happy if I get help. I know people love me and want me sober. I also know I still could lose that.

I am home now. My friend was understanding that I don't have the energy after going to work and the meeting to try to make treatment decisions and talk to my parents. I need a night to sleep and to pack, but I made enough steps today that I can't easily back out.

Trying to adult

So I don't know how to really explain the fear I have of certain tasks. When I talked to my therapist, I likened it to agoraphobia in that I am just afraid of doing anything. Like I haven't checked my mail in over a month. Clearly in that time, it will have exceeded what my mailbox can hold, so I don't know what to expect when I open the box. Therefore, I am terrified of doing it and just keep putting it off. I am also terrible about only checking my email every few days because I have hundreds of messages to delete and it's such an overwhelming thought. I put off making payments on bills because I just can't handle doing it even though I have the money.

Today I did accomplish one major task. I consolidated my student loans several weeks ago, but I never went back in to pay. I don't know why, but I just couldn't. I finally both paid what is currently overdue, and I set up the automatic monthly payment. I have been postponing this for weeks. I think I was inspired because I got a certified mail notice from the IRS about money they claim I owe (I don't know enough to debate if they're right). I drove around for weeks with the check and everything to send, but I paid it weeks late. At first I didn't have an envelope to send it in. Then I just kept not sending it. I did send it, so I think their notice was sent prior to them receiving the check.

So I managed an adult responsibility today. My reward was buying new scrubs. I still need to tackle the mail situation.

I am seriously considering telling my mom the truth about how I am doing. I have been getting dizzy all day. I really think I need to go to a doctor to check my liver. I also don't think I can go on lying to them. I mean I don't eat normally. I throw up every night. I eat slowly to prevent getting sick. I honestly am physically hungry but have no appetite. I can't keep passing it off as minor. I really think my eyes are yellow. It is only a matter of time until I end up in hospital. It would be better to come clean before and maybe even have her take me to the ER than to just go.

The debate then is telling work. Who to tell and what to tell. I haven't decided anything. The dizziness and weakness has me frightened and is clearly affecting my ability to function. It is also making me suicidal and scared. I feel I should probably tell someone rather than waiting until I am being admitted. I don't know. I don't know.

Weak

I feel like pretty soon I will end up in hospital. I got so dizzy several times at work. I went to someone's desk that is right next to mine, and I almost had to grab onto her chair. My legs feel so weak. I am honestly convinced something is wrong with me. I don't know if it is just low potassium or something worse. I am torn about what to do. Do I buy more pedialyte and try to eat more and fix whatever is wrong, or do I take diuretics and laxatives and see what happens? I haven't told anyone about this. I don't know how to explain it. I honestly don't care if I die, so I am mainly just trying to eat enough to not be sick or embarrass myself by throwing up at work.

Editing this to add more. So I was stupid and googled the symptoms of liver disease while at work. I feel like I have almost all of them... being tired, nausea, loss of appetite, and the whole reason I searched it is that I feel like the whites of my eyes look a bit yellow. Problem is that most of the symptoms could also be caused by dehydration, gastritis, and not taking my levothyroxine. So I won't know unless I go to the doctor. So now it's basically wait until I get the courage or desperation to go. I don't know if I should try to see my GP or just go to the ER on the assumption that I am also dehydrated and will likely get iv fluids. Or I can ask the opinion of the medical director at work (who is an MD) but I have never really talked to him about any of my problems. He is such a sweet guy that I would feel terrible going and saying Hey, I think my liver might be failing but I don't really care what happens to me, so could you just tell me if my symptoms mean I fucked up my organs? Or going and saying Hey do I look jaundiced and not explaining why. I thought about telling the boss that it isn't unlikely that I will end up in hospital because seriously standing makes me tired. But I really haven't been telling anyone what's happening, and I am a bit bitter because I was basically told in my evaluation that I shouldn't show my emotions because it affects morale. I think it would be difficult to explain what's going on without explaining that.

So no clue how to handle this. Fairly certain I am physically worse than I have been thinking. I just know that the solution is not to drink, and I honestly don't know if I would rather die than face like sober. I don't know if there's any point to trying to treat the symptoms. I just hate the nausea. So I guess I will see what happens.

Three day weekend

Next week I am working a shift for a coworker, so he worked on Tuesday for me. This gave me 3 days off in a row. Not going to lie... for the first 2 I pretty much didn't function. I saw my psychiatrist Tuesday and there was a lot of awkward silence because I didn't know what to say. So I just waited until he asked something. I planned to get lunch after and go to the grocery store. As is typical these days, I did half of that. I ended up just going to the store and having Starbucks as lunch. Proud of myself for ordering a full calorie caramel frappucino and not a light since I was basically considering it a meal. Although, I don't like their whipped cream so got it without.

It ended up being really a stressful shopping trip. First, the person working at Starbucks was seriously yellow.. like total jaundice. Her skin and eyes were so yellow. I don't know why it made me really uncomfortable. Probably because I am slowly drinking myself to death these days. Then I was stupid and didn't wear a belt with jeans I know are too big, so I am trying to juggle a basket of groceries, a drink, and pull up my pants every 30 seconds. Finally, I ran into a woman from school. I saw her and tried to go to another aisle to avoid her, but then she came to that aisle. She's very nice. She was always such an anxious person, and I was the one in the lab she got along with. She was a bit paranoid. The last time I saw her was I was invited to her wedding. I more or less got her a job when she graduated by recommending her to a friend that worked at a lab. But I didn't want to talk to her. She asked about school and I could have lied, but I was honest about quitting. She asked about work, and I told her about my job.. it was just generally awkward. Finally, she said she would let me get back to shopping. I purchased my odd variety of groceries (pedialyte, frozen lemonade cups, popsicles, and orange soda).

I went home and slept most of the day. I did finally get up and go to McDonald's to attempt to eat a meal. I managed maybe half before losing motivation and going back home to drink. Wednesday was almost entirely spent in bed drunk and watching Netflix or asleep. I went out to get lunch and ended up getting it to go because I didn't want to sit in a restaurant.  I spent most of the day napping.

Today I woke up not feeling well. I honestly couldn't decide if I was still drunk, hungover, or dehydrated.. or likely some combination of those. I ended up staying in bed until almost 3 before going to see my parents. I honestly considered coming clean to my mom about everything going on. I really just wanted to walk in and hug my mommy and tell her how scared I am. I wanted to tell her that I can't function. My apartment is a mess. I don't think my body can handle the way I am treating it. I am so tired of throwing up. All I want is to sleep and drink. But I couldn't do it. I couldn't tell her.

Then I was embarrassed because all I ate for lunch was half a donut, so by dinner time I felt so sick. I asked to go to a particular pizza place for dinner. I couldn't even finish 1 slice because I was so nauseated. I said my stomach was upset because I knew it was obvious that I wasn't eating, and I felt guilty. Saturday I went with my family to an Irish music festival (Got to see the Town pants who are seriously one of my favorite bands. The song the name of my blog comes from is theirs). I had to basically ask that we eat after one show (Burning Trad who were also awesome) because I had terrible heartburn. Then instead of going for dinner after with my mom and brother, I ended up just asking to go home because between my stomach problems and so much walking, I was exhausted and just wanted to go to bed. So tonight when I said I felt I'll, my mom asked if it was like the other day. I said yes. I blamed it on allergies and such, but I imagine they know that alcohol is involved. So I managed to eat about half a slice of pizza and some salad (which honestly didn't taste right.. the lettuce was super bitter) and was briefly afraid that I would vomit on the table. Managed to not be sick until I got home. Barely managed to carry laundry up the stairs. I honestly considered leaving it in my car until tomorrow, but that just seemed too pathetic. I made it inside and threw up dinner. I have since managed a frozen lemonade cup, which also tasted off? Like seriously I hate that now in addition to generally feeling ill and having no appetite, I also don't seem to like foods that I previously enjoyed. I am trying to eat more because while I don't know if I have really lost weight, I have obviously lost strength. I was pretty sure I lost weight until my stupid psychiatrist asked if my weight was ok on this medicine. I mean I know Seroquel can cause weight gain, but surely there's a more tactful way of handling that if you know someone is a recovered bulimic. He has before made other rather triggering comments, which is probably partially my fault because I have asked before if medications would cause weight gain, but his question made me start doubting my perception of my weight. I mean when I got home I didn't even have to unbutton my jeans. I could basically walk in and they would fall off. But now I'm convinced that they stretched out or were always this loose. I just am terrified to step on a scale. I don't need to find out I am wrong and have gained when I am physically struggling to eat and drink. I am having to consume liquid calories and full fat and sugar foods because I honestly think I would have to crawl up the stairs to my apartment otherwise, and I am relying on pedialyte to fight the dizziness.

So yeah.. not doing too well, and I don't know how to fix this.

Therapy

It had been several weeks since I had therapy because of meetings at work and overtime interfering with my usual appointment time. I finally saw her today. She asked how I was doing, and I honestly said I don't know. I started to write about this recently and I think was too tired to finish the post.

My life consists of going to work and lying in bed. At work, I am doing better. After having been told to stop worrying and everyone being told that showing stress affects morale, I have been trying to seem upbeat. I am trying not to show that I am anxious and depressed. I think I can even convince myself that things are fine. Part of this is that when I am anxious or depressed, it is not always about work. I can't really explain to anyone the reality of my life, so it's better to pretend that I'm fine.

The truth is that I am not fine. I finally admitted to my therapist some of the ways that I am obviously not fine. I admitted to not paying bills on time because I simply cannot handle the act of going online and paying them even though I have the money. I admitted to not checking my email for several days because it's overwhelming. I admitted that I am terrified that a day will come when I won't be able to work and that I don't know what will happen. She mentioned moving to a sober living home. I tried to explain that the whole reason I still live in this apartment is that I don't have the energy to clean and pack. I am far too embarrassed to allow anyone inside. I would honestly spend a great deal of money to just stay in a hotel and have someone deal with it. As long as I still had my bed and preferably a TV, they could throw everything else out and I wouldn't care. I barely have the energy to walk up the stairs to the apartment. I don't have the energy to deal with the rest. I mean honestly carrying my purse and one bag of groceries, I was afraid my legs would give out today.

I tried to explain that my physical health is bad. I am trying to eat more and drink pedialyte to fight dehydration. She asked about purging, and I explained it isn't intentional. I just throw up. She asked if I had seen a specialist, but I am pretty sure it will be like every other doctor. They will blame it on the alcohol and just tell me that I need to stop drinking. When she mentioned going in for psychiatric help, I basically said that I know that if I go and return to my current life afterwards I will relapse.

So I don't know. It was good to admit to the reality of my life and how poorly I am functioning, but she really had no practical solution.

I put on a brave face after and had lunch with my mom. I planted in her head the idea for a trip. I realized recently that I actually make enough money and have a good enough job to take a vacation. However, I have no interest in traveling alone. That would be terrifying. I don't want to go on a cruise or to the beach. So I started to think of going back to Washington DC. We lived in Maryland until I was 8, and so I got to go to the Smithsonian and all the different monuments and historical things. As an adult, I realize how cool this was and superior to museums and things here. I remember taking a weird sort of pride out of my mom and aunt making me go to some exhibit of historical dresses, and so I made them go to one about spiders. So I started looking at hotels and Air b&bs in DC with the idea of going back. I could see all the museums and memorials at an age where I can understand them. My mom has always wanted to go back "home" again. So I mentioned it recently and showed her some places to stay. I mentioned it today and apparently both my dad and brother are interested in going. So it is a possibility that next year when I have PTO saved up, we might actually go. I already found several places to stay that are basically apartments rented out (the whole air b&b thing) for less than hotels and either downtown or neat the subway. My dad for whatever reason enjoys finding bargain flights, so he could figure out flying. I just thought it odd that my parents have been taking trips to different national parks but never talked about going back to Maryland. So I am happy that they are considering it because I was afraid that since it wasn't my dad's idea, he would just dismiss it. I have no idea if/when it might happen, but my mom and I discussed maybe next spring. So I guess that's reason to stay alive another year.

After lunch, we went shopping. She bought me a purse. I honestly intended to pay myself. However, I guess my dad spent a lot on a new laptop, so she told him that we were going shopping and she could spend whatever she wanted (he also recently got a bonus at work), so she paid. I also got some new pants that were on clearance.

I had to go to work for a seminar on mass spectrometry, which was actually interesting. In between, I had considered more shopping but decided to go home and lay in bed for a bit. Now I am home for the night and planning to go to bed early. I really think my body is struggling to handle how I am treating it, so I am trying to eat more and rest more. I just hope that makes a difference.