Medical leave

I told the boss at work that I am not well. I just can't seem to function. I am so tired. I talked to her and the HR guy and am now on medical leave. She asked if I could continue working while I figured out treatment. I said yes and then no. So she sent me home and asked me to let her know how things go. She's telling my supervisor. It was kinda awkward because I got there and went to her office and then left without speaking to anyone else.

I texted my former sponsor, which I feel bad about. She asked if I could go to a meeting today. I told her I probably shouldn't drive (although I drove to work and back) because I am shaky and crying and dizzy. I think she's trying to find someone to take me there.

I really hope they don't try to take me to the hospital tonight. I really want to sleep tonight, pack a bag for either hospital or my parents house, and tomorrow I will talk to them. Then I will go. I want to pack my clothes so nobody will go to my apartment. I bought toiletries. I want to sleep. I have committed to doing something by telling my boss. I just want tonight to let it sink in.

Well I went to AA tonight because my ex sponsor asked if I could. I cried a lot. Several people I know from before were very happy to see me. People I didn't expect to have a reaction to me being there came and talked to me and hug me. I talked to my friend. I think the first thing I really said is I am scared. I explained how I am scared of dying. I explained how I am scared of not dying and just losing my ability to function and what would happen. We talked about how fear is good. Pain is good. Because beyond that is not being scared of dying, and I have been there. Just now I think I actually am at risk of dying, and I need to get help while I am still scared.

I ended up emailing my parents about what's going on, so I could ask about them watching the cats. I plan to pack a bag to take with me. I don't know if I will go to the hospital tomorrow, but that way I am ready if they want me to go. I said I would explain more when I see them. It was really painful being at a meeting and being reminded that there is a world that isn't work or my bed. It hurt being reminded that people are out there that love me, but it also reminded me that if things don't change I might lose them. As guilty as I felt texting my friend, I knew she would be happy if I get help. I know people love me and want me sober. I also know I still could lose that.

I am home now. My friend was understanding that I don't have the energy after going to work and the meeting to try to make treatment decisions and talk to my parents. I need a night to sleep and to pack, but I made enough steps today that I can't easily back out.