Trying to adult

So I don't know how to really explain the fear I have of certain tasks. When I talked to my therapist, I likened it to agoraphobia in that I am just afraid of doing anything. Like I haven't checked my mail in over a month. Clearly in that time, it will have exceeded what my mailbox can hold, so I don't know what to expect when I open the box. Therefore, I am terrified of doing it and just keep putting it off. I am also terrible about only checking my email every few days because I have hundreds of messages to delete and it's such an overwhelming thought. I put off making payments on bills because I just can't handle doing it even though I have the money.

Today I did accomplish one major task. I consolidated my student loans several weeks ago, but I never went back in to pay. I don't know why, but I just couldn't. I finally both paid what is currently overdue, and I set up the automatic monthly payment. I have been postponing this for weeks. I think I was inspired because I got a certified mail notice from the IRS about money they claim I owe (I don't know enough to debate if they're right). I drove around for weeks with the check and everything to send, but I paid it weeks late. At first I didn't have an envelope to send it in. Then I just kept not sending it. I did send it, so I think their notice was sent prior to them receiving the check.

So I managed an adult responsibility today. My reward was buying new scrubs. I still need to tackle the mail situation.

I am seriously considering telling my mom the truth about how I am doing. I have been getting dizzy all day. I really think I need to go to a doctor to check my liver. I also don't think I can go on lying to them. I mean I don't eat normally. I throw up every night. I eat slowly to prevent getting sick. I honestly am physically hungry but have no appetite. I can't keep passing it off as minor. I really think my eyes are yellow. It is only a matter of time until I end up in hospital. It would be better to come clean before and maybe even have her take me to the ER than to just go.

The debate then is telling work. Who to tell and what to tell. I haven't decided anything. The dizziness and weakness has me frightened and is clearly affecting my ability to function. It is also making me suicidal and scared. I feel I should probably tell someone rather than waiting until I am being admitted. I don't know. I don't know.