Therapy

It had been several weeks since I had therapy because of meetings at work and overtime interfering with my usual appointment time. I finally saw her today. She asked how I was doing, and I honestly said I don't know. I started to write about this recently and I think was too tired to finish the post.

My life consists of going to work and lying in bed. At work, I am doing better. After having been told to stop worrying and everyone being told that showing stress affects morale, I have been trying to seem upbeat. I am trying not to show that I am anxious and depressed. I think I can even convince myself that things are fine. Part of this is that when I am anxious or depressed, it is not always about work. I can't really explain to anyone the reality of my life, so it's better to pretend that I'm fine.

The truth is that I am not fine. I finally admitted to my therapist some of the ways that I am obviously not fine. I admitted to not paying bills on time because I simply cannot handle the act of going online and paying them even though I have the money. I admitted to not checking my email for several days because it's overwhelming. I admitted that I am terrified that a day will come when I won't be able to work and that I don't know what will happen. She mentioned moving to a sober living home. I tried to explain that the whole reason I still live in this apartment is that I don't have the energy to clean and pack. I am far too embarrassed to allow anyone inside. I would honestly spend a great deal of money to just stay in a hotel and have someone deal with it. As long as I still had my bed and preferably a TV, they could throw everything else out and I wouldn't care. I barely have the energy to walk up the stairs to the apartment. I don't have the energy to deal with the rest. I mean honestly carrying my purse and one bag of groceries, I was afraid my legs would give out today.

I tried to explain that my physical health is bad. I am trying to eat more and drink pedialyte to fight dehydration. She asked about purging, and I explained it isn't intentional. I just throw up. She asked if I had seen a specialist, but I am pretty sure it will be like every other doctor. They will blame it on the alcohol and just tell me that I need to stop drinking. When she mentioned going in for psychiatric help, I basically said that I know that if I go and return to my current life afterwards I will relapse.

So I don't know. It was good to admit to the reality of my life and how poorly I am functioning, but she really had no practical solution.

I put on a brave face after and had lunch with my mom. I planted in her head the idea for a trip. I realized recently that I actually make enough money and have a good enough job to take a vacation. However, I have no interest in traveling alone. That would be terrifying. I don't want to go on a cruise or to the beach. So I started to think of going back to Washington DC. We lived in Maryland until I was 8, and so I got to go to the Smithsonian and all the different monuments and historical things. As an adult, I realize how cool this was and superior to museums and things here. I remember taking a weird sort of pride out of my mom and aunt making me go to some exhibit of historical dresses, and so I made them go to one about spiders. So I started looking at hotels and Air b&bs in DC with the idea of going back. I could see all the museums and memorials at an age where I can understand them. My mom has always wanted to go back "home" again. So I mentioned it recently and showed her some places to stay. I mentioned it today and apparently both my dad and brother are interested in going. So it is a possibility that next year when I have PTO saved up, we might actually go. I already found several places to stay that are basically apartments rented out (the whole air b&b thing) for less than hotels and either downtown or neat the subway. My dad for whatever reason enjoys finding bargain flights, so he could figure out flying. I just thought it odd that my parents have been taking trips to different national parks but never talked about going back to Maryland. So I am happy that they are considering it because I was afraid that since it wasn't my dad's idea, he would just dismiss it. I have no idea if/when it might happen, but my mom and I discussed maybe next spring. So I guess that's reason to stay alive another year.

After lunch, we went shopping. She bought me a purse. I honestly intended to pay myself. However, I guess my dad spent a lot on a new laptop, so she told him that we were going shopping and she could spend whatever she wanted (he also recently got a bonus at work), so she paid. I also got some new pants that were on clearance.

I had to go to work for a seminar on mass spectrometry, which was actually interesting. In between, I had considered more shopping but decided to go home and lay in bed for a bit. Now I am home for the night and planning to go to bed early. I really think my body is struggling to handle how I am treating it, so I am trying to eat more and rest more. I just hope that makes a difference.