Because things can never just be good

I swear my mind can't handle things being ok. I am a little terrified at the thought of being happy.

My parents drove me to the women's meeting. Everyone is super proud of me for getting sober. I kept wondering if in 2 weeks when I hopefully can go home, will I drink again? My parents took me by my apartment to get some things, and my wonderful, honest self also stashed a few Librium in my purse.

Honestly, the logic was that I haven't slept properly in several days. I am so tired. I think physically I am still not well. I still get tired walking up stairs or trying to get out of the car. There's an AA meeting close to my parents house. My mom has mentioned that I could probably walk there. I am not sure how to say that I am concerned that I am not strong enough because I don't think they really acknowledge how sick I was.

I have been so exhausted all day. I am probably taking the Librium tonight, so maybe I can sleep.

I am worried about work. I have to get a note from my doctor about how long I need off work because the paperwork from the hospital said I only needed 2 weeks. I just worry he won't send it because doctors can be lazy about paperwork. Plus, I am just worried about being gone a month. Legally, I am allowed, but I don't know how people reacted to this. I didn't even actually speak with my manager. The boss originally asked me to keep her updated because she was concerned when I talked to her, and I don't know if I should email her. I don't know what to say. I don't know if I should be vague or tell her the truth. I feel like it would be better to at least say something to explain why I am taking a month off. So basically I am obsessing. It isn't helping.

And the suicidal thoughts are back. I even thought that although I am not allowed to drive, nobody took my keys. I could wait till my parents and busy and leave and go to my apartment to get pills. But if I disappear to some hotel, they would probably eventually call the police. So really I need to wait out the next 2 weeks at least before deciding if I want to self destruct again.