Psych Wards x 2

My parents were relatively understanding about me needing to go inpatient. They were much more understanding once they visited me in the hospital and realized how bad the depression was.

I spent 6 hours in the er before going inpatient. The doctor expressed major concern about my liver. I got fluids, Valium, vitamins. The psych ward was ok. It was small and relatively calm. At some point the psychiatrist said my liver tests were the worst he has ever seen in someone my age. He made med changes but nothing helped the depression. I finally suggested I try ECT. That's how desperate I was.

So I was transferred to another hospital he works at that does ECT. I spent the whole time either begging to go home or sobbing because I basically wished I had just let myself die. My parents would visit and I just cried on my mom's shoulder and she would tell me it would get better.

That hospital was scary. I couldn't sleep because I could hear patients yelling and swearing or throwing and breaking things. I went to a few groups but was generally scared to leave my room. My roommate had someone throw hot coffee in her face.

While in the first hospital, I became seriously obsessive about food. I was scared of the entrees because they were so oily. I just basically ate vegetables and occasionally potatoes. Second hospital I had multiple arguments when my doctor put me on a new that has to be taken with a meal because he didn't seem to get that I might choose skipping the meal and the med over eating.

Today I woke feeling a little better. I went for my first and begged to go home. I told him about the coffee thing. I explained that I would stay with my parents who could drive me to outpatient ECT, and he agreed.

I can't drive because of the ECT and my parents have to dispense my meds, but it is still better than that hospital. I can't tell if they're happy about the arrangement, but I think they're happy that I am not sobbing today. I am just hoping he didn't like tell them details I mentioned about my suicidal thoughts. He made some comment to me about how he was only letting me go because I was staying with them and "No drinking in hotels" which was part of the suicide plan. I don't want him to have told my parents and them think I have actually done that before. It was just a fantasy. I am also hoping that I only have to stay for a couple weeks until I can drive again.