Body image..

My last post started talking a little bit about this whole concept. I'm really struggling with how I see myself these days... and it's not all weight related.

Basically, I hate my skin, I hate how much I weigh, I hate my hair (which keeps falling out), I hate that I look flabby, I hate that I have muscles.. everything. I started thinking about it a lot over the weekend because I went shopping for pants. I spent a lot of time staring in mirrors, and I don't look like myself.. like I can see the weight loss sometimes. Other times I swear I look just as fat as I did a year ago at 220lbs. I am trying to buy clothes that actually fit rather than the baggy stuff I keep buying.

I  have only posted photos a few times.. but I thought I'd post a couple today.

This is from February when I was still around 185. I don't have many pictures of weights higher than that..

And this is today..

Those pants are actually loose now.. I just bought them a couple weeks ago, and they're the smallest size I have (well no I have one smaller pair that I'm not going to wear until I lose a few more pounds).. they fit when I bought them, and a couple weeks before that I had tried them on at the store and they were too tight.

Todays body image obsession is brought on by a guy at work who asked if I had been exercising lately because I was looking more toned. I know that's supposed to be a compliment.. but I think I mostly just got super awkward after he said it. I said I'm trying to tone up my flabby arms.. he asked if I'd lost weight recently. I said yes but I still need to lose a lot more.. I've lost I guess about 35-40lbs since I got this job. I know because I bought my fitbit scale after I started working there in February.

I am really super self conscious about my arms (which I assume are what he was talking about) because they somehow look too fat and flabby and too muscular all at once right now. I am trying to tell myself the flab is really just loose skin.. but that isn't working. Same with my stomach and thighs.

Best I could get to show what I'm talking about... I occasionally think I look thin.. and other times I look obese still. I also think my legs are too muscular as well as too fat.. I don't know. I don't get it.  I am currently about 138, which means I'm technically not overweight anymore. My goal is to lose another 30.. but I think if anyone asks I would say another 20.. because part of me knows that other people wouldn't agree with that goal. I'm losing super slowly these days anyway, which is why I'm surprised those pants are loose.

Now that the guy made that comment.. I'm worried about what I wear at work.. I worry the scrubs show too much of my arms. Most days I wear either tank tops that are meant to be shaping/slimming or shorts/underwear designed to make your stomach smaller because I'm worried that I look fat in my scrubs. Now I think maybe I should wear long sleeves. I really should just have said thank you when he said I looked more toned, but I couldn't seem to take it as a compliment. I'm paranoid about becoming too muscular.. I worry going up and down the stairs 15-20 times at work is going to give me giant thighs.

Again I am rambling.. so I'm going to go to bed.

Antisocial

I keep thinking of writing and then not knowing what to say... things have been weird lately, and I by weird I probably mean bad. I have this vague sense that something bad is going on (besides the obvious behaviors) or bad is going to happen lately. It's hard to explain

My life is centered around work, sleep, and food these days.. pretty much entirely. Last week instead of working 8 hour shifts.. I worked 10-12 hours. Things are still a mess at work. We are/were very behind because of the plan they made to not allow anyone to take results off reports. This lasted 2 days, and it put as 4-5 days behind. We are still not caught up. They changed the policy at first to only certain people (myself included) could make the decisions about reports.. now I'm actually not sure the policy.. My supervisor was out all of last week on a trip, and that meant I spent most nights answering lots of questions. Also, some analysts decided to complain about him and how much of a jerk he is to all of us.. I was there for part of this, but I didn't go alone to speak to the boss.. I have this fear that this would just make everything worse. My supervisor already thinks it's acceptable for me to work for 2 hours more after everyone goes home.. and he snaps at me sometimes when I ask questions.. and I act like it doesn't bother me. It does. I just tolerate it rather than dealing with it.

But yes.. I didn't leave work before 1am all last week pretty much.. one day I was there until 3. I'd go downstairs to get things and people would ask why I was still there and look surprised.. actually they've stopped acting surprised to see me that late now. There is just occasionally a tone of concern about me still being there after 10-11 hours. Oh well.

Because I'm working that late, I am not going to be until 4 or 5am.. sleeping until at least noon.. and pretty much just getting up and going back to work. Usually stopping on the way for an energy drink and snacks. I am getting fat again because I am eating more at work. Well.. I don't know. I've gained a few pounds.. I went from 137 to 142, and then back to 139 again.. So I have no idea. I've been binging and purging the past several days, and that is probably part of that. The day I was 142 I also felt puffy and gross and was probably retaining water. That was after the night I purged 3 times.

What's weird is.. I bought a pair of pants a couple weeks ago. They're a size 10 (US size) and they fit when I bought them.. and I can no put them on/take them off without unbuttoning them. I told myself they must have stretched out, but I've only worn them a couple times.. I went shopping Saturday, and I tried on a couple other pairs of pants that were a size 10.. and at least one was loose. I feel like I look different.. like I almost don't look like myself. But I've gained weight, so I don't know. It doesn't really matter though. I still have another 20 pounds I need to lose at least.

I've gotten really antisocial the past couple weeks.. I haven't called my sponsor in.. I don't know.. a while. I went to a meeting Saturday after a couple weeks without one. I just don't want to talk to people. I feel like they're looking at me weird.. like people can tell I'm acting weird. At work, I always feel like the daytime supervisor is looking at me like I'm strange. I worry it's how I look.. I've started wearing makeup because I hate my skin.. I don't like looking at myself. A woman at AA who I hadn't seen in a long time started telling me how wonderful I look on Saturday (the weight loss I assume). A friend and I went to lunch after and she said she wanted to punch that woman.. and I don't know if that's just because I am not losing weight in a healthy way.. or does she think I've lost too much? That can't be true. I wonder if I look sick or just tired. I think it was sunday that the daytime supervisor told me I looked tired.. I thought I heard her talking to my supervisor later and all I heard from the conversation was "Works until 1am sometimes if it's necessary." I wonder if she said something about me.. because he's certainly never worked past 1. I wonder if he was trying to justify how much I work.. I mean I sent her (the daytime one) an email at 1:30am from work one day.. so she knows I was still there.

So yeah.. I am avoiding people. I am increasingly preoccupied with how they act around me. I think I am trying to read their minds.. not literally.. but I can't ask why they're looking at me like they are without sounding crazy. I am preoccupied with a lot. I feel like I'm getting worse but can't explain why I think that.. other than the binging and purging.. or maybe the new diet pills. I do feel like if I keep working like this I will have a breakdown. I'm tired... but there's so much work. I feel like I'm getting nothing done.. I worry that's what they talk about at work.. that I'm not doing enough. I stay late because I feel like I haven't accomplished anything. The paranoia is probably not healthy.

So yes... going a bit crazy. I know I need to call my sponsor.. but I can't. I don't know what to say.. I think I'm just going to be silent on the phone and that will be awkward. I could text her, but I don't know what to say then either. I want to apologize for not calling.. but I don't know if that's appropriate.. and it seems to imply that i will start calling. I did have lunch with a friend Saturday and went shopping. That was ok. I've been skipping church because I'm tired and dizzy on sunday mornings after staying up most Saturdays binging/purging and not going to bed until 3am.. and I am anxious about going and have some paranoia about church as well.. I wish I could just stay at home for a few days alone. I wish I could work without speaking to anyone sometimes. That would probably just make this worse.

I'm rambling.. so I'll stop now. I hope some of this made sense.  

Miserable day at work (attempt 2)

I started writing a whole other post on this and then debated how much of this would actually be ok to post online.. not that I distrust anyone who reads this.. but you know how you hear stories about people getting in trouble for posting stuff about their jobs online.. and so I'm cutting out the details (sorry)

So many mistakes have been happening at work lately.. I'm sure I have posted about some of this, but I probably shouldn't be detailed about the rest. Mainly analysts making errors on reports.. and it can be debated if this is due to actual innocent error or through laziness and not following proper procedure.
Well, now they've decided to change procedure to stop this from happening.. and it has made things hell. It comes down to now we are not allowed to remove any positive results from a report without consulting the head of toxicology.. the idea was for everyone to send her the cases they had questionable data on after it was rerun, and she would consult with them about it. Well, then it was decided that this was going to be too hard.. so only me and the designated rerun person (who is someone different now) during the day are responsible for doing this for EVERYONE's cases.
This ends up being the majority of samples.. I spent all day sending a total of less than 20 of these cases.. and so the lab is behind running things and we are increasingly behind closing things. And I almost started crying about a million times today.
It doesn't help that my supervisor was complaining about how upset he was about the whole thing and at one point asked me (I went to ask him a question) to stay and talk to him since he was upset.. I basically said no. That I was upset enough already.. and proceeded to stand in the stairwell until I could pull myself back together.

It's bad.. and I'm not exactly emotionally well these days. I got off work at 1AM yesterday and went to Walmart. I was trying to buy food and seriously spent 15 minutes at least reading the nutrition facts and staring at sliced apples.. because I wanted the green kind but they didn't come in individual packages.. but at least the sliced ones have a nutrition label on the bag, even if it's multiple servings.. because I couldn't even bring myself to pick up an actual apple. I mean.. I ate gummy bears and pita chips all day at work, but I have this irrational fear of fruit because it isn't packaged and I can't really convince myself I know the calories. I also kept looking at yogurt but couldn't buy that either.. I just know I won't eat them. I didn't actually manage to eat any of the apples today. They're still unopened in the refrigerator.
I also got super defensive because Monday they had pasta for lunch at work, and I spent a minute staring at it while one of my coworkers ate.. she said I should get some, and I said no. I did end up eating some later. But then Tuesday she said something about how I didn't eat it, and I got really defensive about how i do eat, and I did eat it, and I'd be a lot skinnier if I didn't eat. Somehow it came up how much weight I've lost recently, and I was stupid and managed to instantly reply 8 pounds in the past month.. since I had looked it up on FitBit before work. I guess that's probably a lot? not a lot, but not an insignificant loss. I've been drinking a lot of energy drinks at work.. and the little Redline energy shots.. and mentioned the diet pills. I managed not to laugh when a guy there said when he was really concerned about his image he took hydroxycut during college.. because I don't consider that to be a real diet pill. It doesn't have enough weird ingredients, and it doesn't make me crazy to the point where I can't stay sitting down like the mixture of things I'm on now (I'm on Lipo 6 Black these days.. and tri adalean.. and occasionally ephedrine). I don't mean that to sound snobby.. I really don't. I mostly know in my head that there is a "healthy" way to take diet pills.. which is the ones you can buy at any store and taking them at recommended times. Then there's buying stuff online because you don't think the ones in the store are good enough, and taking them whenever the hell I feel like taking one.. which means 1 when I get up, 1 when I get to work, and then probably 2 more whenever I feel tired or if I feel stressed. When I'm stressed, I like to pop a pill.. even if it's 10pm.. which is why I'm staying up until 4.

So I know things are bad. I have seen over the past couple weeks how my mind is going crazier. I'm staring at people eating. I'm spending too long at the grocery store and not buying much (except binge shopping). I'm resorting to taking pills when I'm stressed which in the past has led to some mild overdoses (mild meaning not requiring medical attention but maybe involving some spontaneous vomiting and chest pains). I really am feeling more depressed.. and a tad suicidal.. and very anti social. I saw my sponsor at a meeting saturday, but I'm not calling or texting her. I'm not calling anyone else either. I am seeing friends for dinner tonight, but I mainly am doing that so they won't worry that I keep skipping church on sundays. I'm just tired.

Another mid-binge update on my current insanity

So lately (although my posts are fairly far apart) I tend to post when either half asleep and should be in bed but still awake due to various pills (will address this) or mid-binge.. not sure why. I think my mind wanders as I eat. Clearly, the statement indicates that things aren't going too well.. so yeah.. they're not

I actually have been eating better.. except I would say that I've gone a bit insane. I'm not sure anyone who isn't in my head (or at least a witness to the behavior) would get this when they see me eat.. but I haven't been binging much. I think it was 3 times this past week that I went to Walmart or the grocery store after work.. I think at least once I intended to buy binge food, and I just didn't want anything. So I bought odd things.. I came home with pretzels, laughing cow cheese wedges, and beef jerky.. and energy drinks. There were also the quests.. I went looking for supplies to take lunches to work. I bought a container to take salads (it has a place to hold dressing and an ice pack to keep it cold). I bought dressing and croutons but not lettuce.. I never actually made any salads. I haven't used it. I bought little divided containers (this is one of the insane ones) and came home and at 2AM cooked carrots and weighed them and divided them evenly between 3 containers, so each had the same calories.. the next day I took one to work and had carrots and mustard for dinner. I made the carrots ate 2AM because I had gone to 2 stores looking for hummus because I wanted individual containers because I knew a large container I would either eat too much or let go to waste.. I didn't end up buying any. I ended up buying powdered peanut butter and sugar free jam, which I only finally used yesterday to make oatmeal.. which I went on a quest after work to buy the oatmeal, containers, and chia seeds for.. (an aside, overnight oatmeal with PB2 in it is awesome)

So on the outside, I actually seem to be eating more.. and I'm bringing a packed lunch to work. On a closer look, what I bring might be a bit strange to some people. Like nobody noticed the carrots and mustard, which was good.. that combination has gotten me odd looks in the past (I love mustard and it's slightly less weird than just eating it with a spoon). I've also lost a bit of weight.. about 6-7 pounds this month. I'm down to 140.7 this morning, which finally puts me in the healthy weight range. No longer overweight. The loss has slowed a lot.. it's really frustrating.

I say that but the weird thing is.. and this is also a bit insane.. the past few weeks I've gone to the same store (Nordstrom Rack.. it's like an outlet store) on Thursday before my parent's house.. the last 2 weeks I tried on a few pairs of pants either size 10, 12, or 31 (which is a 12ish?) from the clearance racks.. and it was the same both times. I'd try on one pair and they'd button but be too small (muffin top situation), and I'd try on the next size up or another in the same size but another brand and they'd be big enough that I'd need a belt.. so I didn't buy anything. I went back today and I only tried on one pair of size 10s, and I swear they're the same ones that were too small either last week or two weeks ago.. and they're perfect.. or actually there's even a little room in the waist. The insane bit is the going back every week and trying on pants.. I really wasn't expecting them to fit. I was just going to buy them and add to the other pair that's sitting in my apartment until they fit.. Those are a size 9, so they're still too small. They will fit at some point, hopefully soon.

And on the whole diet pill topic.. not going great either. I noticed my hands shaking a lot lately. I thought it might be blood sugar problems at one point, but I'm eating better now.. so I'm guessing it's all the caffeine/whatever else is in the pills. I also am getting the anxious/tight chest feeling some nights.. and I am just trying to work despite that. It should probably bother me, but I'm more worried that if I stop taking them I won't be able to function and (worse) my metabolism will crash.. like I don't know if they're helping me lose weight, but I'm scared at this point that I'll gain if I stop. I'd honestly rather risk the damage than risk the weight gain and having to lose it all again..

And I'm consistently staying up until 4am and sleeping until noon.. and just generally going crazy and isolating myself until all my social interaction is with coworkers and maybe cashiers if I go shopping. Oh and my sponsor still texts to make sure I'm taking my medication.. I did finally make a meeting once this week.I feel like soon the crazy is going to start showing at work if my head gets worse.. I have actually let a couple people in on some of the anxiety about school (not going to go there now) but I feel like the rest of the crazy is going to show. Or maybe I'll get it under control.

Goodbye to a good friend

This is Mudge (when she was younger). She had to be put to sleep yesterday. Saturday the vet thought she was doing better, but then she stopped drinking water. At first I tried feeding her with a syringe and hoping that she'd start again. Tuesday after work she looked awful. She hardly moved, so I called the vet Wednesday when they opened. I couldn't get in until afternoon, but that gave my parents time to come. I was half aware that this was the end and half convinced she just needed an IV or medicine. The vet said she was dehydrated and that her mouth was ulcerated. Her stomach also hurt, which probably meant the cancer spread. She was in pain. So the best choice was putting her to sleep. We don't have anywhere to bury her because my parents rent their house, and I live in an apartment. The vet said the humane society has a cemetery that they will bury her in exchange for a donation, so I chose that. At least I will know where she is. 

I feel awful that I was a little relieved ( and still very sad) that she wasn't there lying on the floor when I got home last night like the past week. She had looked so tired and miserable. My other cat (the one in my profile picture) followed me around all night. I'm not sure if it's because she's gone or because I'm upset. Mudge was 16, so I had her for a good, long time. I got her as a kitten when I was 13. Odd (the other cat) is only 4ish, so he's still young. 

Anyway, I just wanted to update. That's all I have for now. 

Over or under reacting? *trigger warning*

A different topic tonight.. back to myself rather than on my cat, although she still has me quite worried.

I had therapy today.. and it was not a very successful appointment, in my opinion. Lately, I am struggling with human interaction outside of work.. not sure why I manage ok at work. Much more predictable, maybe? Narrower range of conversation topics? I did almost cry last night, but this is mainly exhaustion.

I still am not sleeping well.. a combination of stress, poor habits, and various pills. I was up fairly late, so I got maybe 5 hours of sleep.. so I was a bit off during the appointment. At some point she commented (not asked) that I was still not eating.. and I corrected her that I have been eating better. She said I seemed more distant, like I do when I'm restricting. I also wonder if I look thinner? mainly because a coworker commented on how much weight I've lost and asked if I was still losing the other day. I shrugged, and she said I still was.. same coworker has told me I don't need to lose weight. I'm confused because I'm not losing weight.. but that's not the point. I explained to my therapist that I was tired and not sleeping well. I said I was staying up late.. I also commented on the fact that I had not been taking my Wellbutrin, but I had started again.

She starts saying something about me being on Wellbutrin, and does my psychiatrist know I've been purging? There's a risk of taking it with bulimia because it increases the risk of seizures, which is already higher because of electrolyte problems.. or something like that. She says she should call him. I say that he knows.. he knows I have bulimia, and please do NOT call him.. I have a terrible history with anti-depressants. I have been on more than I can list, and the majority haven't worked. This is one of the few that has helped some (at least when I take it), and I don't want her making him take me off it and start the search for something else. I've taken wellbutrin in the past while the bulimia was active, and I've never had any problems.. so why this reaction now?

At some point, I think the topic of sleep came up, and I made a comment about caffeine. She asked if I was taking caffeine pills. I should have just said yes, but I said I was taking diet pills. She asked what kinds, and I gave the names.. for some reason, I don't like people thinking I take caffeine pills. Not sure why.. it seems like something only college kids do. I also gave the brands because I am in a sick, little way proud that I take unusual diet pills. Not that unusual, but not the traditional HydroxyCut and things that are advertised on television. She asks if I'm taking laxatives, which I'm not.. that's one thing I have never gone back to after I stopped during my first treatment. Thank God for that. I did mention the ephedrine.

So now she's insisting I see a cardiologist. Well, I have to go through my primary care doctor to get a referral first (insurance requires this), and my therapist wants me to have made that appointment by the next time I see her in 2 weeks. She offered to call and explain why I need the referral, but I said no.. I am not a fan of that idea. But basically she's convinced that because of the bulimia and the weight loss (like 80 pounds in less than a year) and the diet pills and all that, I might have heart damage. I wanted to comment that I was doing all this and more when I went to treatment in 2007, and my heart was quite healthy. That my blood pressure and tests have always been perfect. So why is she so convinced I probably have a leaky heart valve? I didn't argue..

Why did I not argue? well it would be pointless, but also I suppose part of me acknowledges some risk. Wednesday at work, I felt poorly most of the day.. there's this sort of sensation that I normally equate with anxiety that feels like something is wrapped around my throat. A tightness. I wasn't particularly anxious, so I thought maybe the caffeine? I only just recently added the ephedrine back into the mix.. so maybe that was affecting my blood pressure. I have this nervous habit (that hopefully nobody pays attention to) of taking my own pulse. Not sure when that developed, but I spent the evening checking that it wasn't too fast. It didn't prevent me taking another diet pill and another ephedrine while at work because I was tired. Well, add to the throat thing that I have been getting dizzy randomly again. Not often, but if I stand up too fast or sometimes taking stairs.. I get lightheaded. And the occasional odd feeling in my chest, but that may also have been anxiety. So maybe there is something to the risk. Today, I've gotten dizzy a few times when I bent over and stood up again, but otherwise I feel fine. I didn't tell her any of that because knowing the way she was being about the thought of me taking diet pills, she would probably have decided I needed to go to the emergency room or something.

I actually had been doing better with eating. Now.. this meant mostly eating a bunch of chips or crackers while working and then a meal that usually was a salad... although a salad with chicken and cheese and dressing. Together this probably adds up to a decent amount of calories.. then I usually eat something random again if I don't end up binging and purging... which I am not doing everyday now at least. Tonight I did, and at some point I was standing after filling a bottle of water and my vision went a bit white.. like seeing spots. So I'm thinking dehydration is probably behind a lot of the symptoms.
So I'll probably call my doctor and make an appointment.. if she thinks the cardiologist is justified, maybe I'll go.. maybe I'll just hope my therapist forgets about the whole idea. Either way, tonight I'm taking a potassium pill and drinking some water.. then I need to get some proper sleep.

Update (can't think of a title..)

So I realized I never updated after the cat post, so I thought I would now..
Vet visit 1 it turned out that she has an ulcer under her tongue that the vet says is probably cancerous, although I can't remember what the type of cancer is (some sort of carcinoma). She said it wasn't worth the stress/risk of doing a biopsy since that would involve anesthesia. Surgery isn't a reasonable option, so she gave her antibiotics because it looked infected, pain medication (which are thankfully this transdermal kind that you just rub on their ear, not pills), and then interferon to stop the growth. She also cauterized the ulcer to slow growth and also just help with the discomfort. The key she said was getting her to eat, so I went out and bought a bunch of cans of cat food in a few brands because I didn't know what she'd eat. I also spent some obsessive time (before and after the appointment) trying to figure out how to clean her face and paws (her mouth was bleeding and she'd wipe it on her paws) without actually trying to bathe her (like stick her in the sink).. which ended up being kinda impossible. I finally just washed her paws in the sink today, and that helped. I have wipes to use on her face, but white fur doesn't exactly go back to white.. so she still looks pathetic.
Anyway, she ate ok the first day or so. At least she ate. It's a pain because I have 2 cats, and the other will eat all the food if I leave them unsupervised with canned food out. That means he has to be shut in the bedroom to give her a chance to eat it, and she never would finish it.. but frankly my other cat is kinda fat, so I'm not letting him have the canned food anyway.
Well, then she stopped eating.. or she'd try to eat but not seem to manage to actually eat any. That's hard to explain without watching, but it was really worrying me. She also had more blood in her mouth Sunday night, so I got home last night and she just looked pathetic.. and this is after crying a ton while talking to my sponsor, but that wasn't entirely about this.. but I got upset and called my mom. She told me to take her back to the vet, and she actually called in sick to work yesterday (since it's technically Wednesday now) so she could go with me.. in case it was bad or just since it's overwhelming anyway. Both her and my dad came actually.
Vet visit 2.. apparently her mouth is looking much better, but she thinks maybe she bit her tongue.. probably the blood. I explained about the eating, but she hasn't lost any weight at all since last week.. so that's good. I mentioned she seemed wobbly when she walks, which I hadn't noticed before. She listened to her heart and told me that she has a heart murmur. She said there were pills for it, and since getting her to eat is hard, pills might be difficult.. so I get to crush them up and squirt them in her mouth.. not fun, but at least requires little cooperation. I'm going back on Saturday to see if that helped. She seems to be acting like this is treatable, so I'm trying to feel that way.
She ate a tiny bit before I went to work. I tried just a bit ago giving her some of the high calorie, special kind the vet gave me a sample of, but she wouldn't even acknowledge that. It's chicken flavored, and her entire life she will not eat chicken/turkey flavored cat food. Stubborn. So I tried mixing it with something else, and she ate a little.. but honestly I ended up giving her some with one of the syringes (realize I mean the non-needle kind) because I felt like she needed something today after the vet trip stress.
Yeah... long explanation. That's kinda why I didn't have energy for it. She keeps waking me up in the middle of the night meowing loudly in the kitchen, which was also part of why I was worried enough to take her back.. my guess is it's because she's hungry. I've been getting up and offering her food at least once every night (or whatever time early in the morning) which means I'm out of bed for a long time while she eats, so I haven't been sleeping much. Work was interesting because I was absolutely wired on caffeine and diet pills because I had to be up at 8 to call the vet when they opened to make the appointment, and I had only gone to be after 2.. plus woken up multiple times. My response was over the course of the day 2 cups of coffee with lunch, 2- 20oz bottles of coke zero, 2 cups of iced coffee (which I've been told by others is very strong), 3 diet pills, and I think one Primatene (ephedrine). Enough that my chest felt a little tight at one point.
Other than this.. I started taking my Wellbutrin again after a few weeks without taking it. I admitted Saturday to my sponsor (and her sponsor) to not taking it, so my sponsor now has a reminder on her phone to call/text to make sure I took it. I've honestly been pretty suicidal at times, but I have this long train of thought about how basically I can't because of my cats. Who would feed them? Could my parents handle a sick cat? How much worse would it suck to have their daughter die and then their daughter's cat die in their care? Really kinda ridiculous when the last few ignore the part about me dying mainly.. the concern is about the cats. This has actually always been true. I always had a fear that my parents wouldn't take my cats if I died, and they'd end up in a shelter somewhere and never get adopted. This is the kinda shit I think about in the middle of the night when I can't sleep or when I'm driving home. This is more what I was crying about, but I did not explain any of that at length to my sponsor.
There's more going on, but that's about all I can manage right now. I will try to update the rest at some point.