6 months

I still feel like things are crumbling. I think I determine how I am doing by how much of the day I am not anxious, obsessive, or longing to be in bed. These days that is so little of the day.

During the day, I have my mom complaining about my dad. I worry about her health. I worry that she is unhappy being married and that I am somehow either the cause of their problems or an obstacle to them splitting up. When they're both home, I am always on edge because of it. I just want space and quiet.

I am just exhausted all the time. I want to stop taking the Seroquel to see if that helps, but instead I just drink coffee to try to function. I am still considering job applications, but I am afraid to apply for anything that my parents would have to drive me to because I know they might say they are willing, but they will act like it's an inconvenience. I also just doubt I can handle more right now.

I just have 3 more days until my parents leave for a couple days. I know the next few days will be stressful because they always get stressed before trips. Like my dad was searching the house for the key to a lock box tonight at 11pm.. like it couldn't wait until a reasonable time. I was anxious because he went in my room. Both my parents went in my closet earlier in the week to find a suitcase, but I don't think they saw the vodka. I know they have the right to be in the room since it's their house, but I hate the lack of privacy. When they leave, I think I may either drink or try to take extra meds to sleep. I am just so tired. I am 6 months sober, but drinking sounds wonderful to me. I just want a break from consciousness and feeling. I guess I will see what happens once I am alone. I am definitely looking forward to whatever I decide to do because I can be alone.

Looking forward to...

Do you ever just feel like you're headed for a breakdown? I don't really know. I am exhausted and feeling very over medicated, and I am relying on coffee to function. My case worker is trying to get me in to see a different psychiatrist because mine doesn't seem concerned with the number of meds I'm on and seems oblivious to the fact that I have an eating disorder. I want to stop taking my Seroquel, but I am trying not to change my own meds because it always ends badly.

I am really struggling with people. My parents keep arguing, and I hate it. I am too scared to talk sometimes because it might make it worse. Like I needed a few things at the grocery store last weekend, but they had already argued that morning and I just wanted shopping to be over with. But guess what.. they're going to be out of town for a few days soon. I am so excited. I honestly just want to stay in bed and rest and not have to be anxious all the time and putting on an act. I also want to drink, but I don't know if I will. I am just really unsure about sobriety. I feel like I am going to relapse eventually because I am not really motivated. Drinking or not, I just want to be alone. I just want to stop pretending that I am fine. I am not fine.

I have some time before this happens, so we'll see. For now, I am going to keep up the act.

Struggling to make sense of it all

I am just frustrated because I can tell I am not in a very good place mentally, but I don't know what to do about it. I spend way too much time thinking, and that isn't a good idea. There's a part in the big book where it's talking about step 10 and it says "but we must be careful not to drift into worry, remorse, or morbid reflection." That term morbid reflection is used other places as well, and it just seems so accurate to describe the kind of thinking my mind gets into when there's no distraction.. or actually as its own distraction from something that is even worse.

So my parents joined a gym last week, and they ran into a friend of mine (a woman I have known since 4th grade) there. I got a text from my friend asking how I was doing and if I was available for lunch sometime. I had this sinking feeling reading it because I didn't know what to tell her. I hadn't seen her in quite a while.. I can't really remember when I last saw her. I finally settled on telling her I was living at home and didn't have a car, so I wasn't sure about lunch. She offered to pick me up. That was fine, but she asked what I had been up to. I settled on a very abbreviated version of the truth and said that I was looking for work and trying to get back on my feet. I said I had been sober since February because she does know about my alcoholism. I had mentioned it to her at least once to be sure I wasn't pressured to drink at parties. Anyway, we had lunch yesterday. It was nice to see her and go out with someone other than my parents. I just really tried to steer the conversation back to what was going on with her and her kids and family and job because really I don't have a lot to talk about.

What I was trying to avoid (and this is how we get back to the morbid reflection) is talking about what I have actually been doing this past year. I mean basically I have spent as much time in treatment as out of it. I struggle to even remember when I was in the hospital and under what circumstance I was sent there. I somehow got onto thinking about that over the weekend, and I just started getting really frustrated and pathetic that I kept going into hospitals over and over to detox. That's been going on since the first year of my alcoholism. I would basically drink myself to the point of being unable to function or not take my meds and let the depression reach that point. Then I would check myself into a hospital for a week, come home, and soon start the whole process over again. I can vaguely remember listening to someone joke about suicide attempts once and basically say that if you're truly suicidal, why would you not succeed? So I don't know how to interpret my own behavior. Did I check myself into the hospital because I wasn't trying to die and just wanted the attention and the escape? Or did I do that in an honest attempt to get well and then relapse because the same thoughts and feelings were still there and led to the same downward spiral? There are people in AA who went to treatment once (or never) and then stayed sober or at least never went back to treatment. In a year, I was in rehab 3 times.. and really the result of all 3 was serious suicidal ideation and multiple attempts (only one officially acknowledged). I don't know whether to be grateful I went to treatment because my physical health was pretty bad at some points and I might not still be alive, or should I be angry that I went because I failed at my goal of drinking myself to death?

So this is the kind of thing that occupies my mind a lot. I find myself reading back through this blog (a practice I try to avoid) in an attempt to make sense of when things happened because my memory really isn't great.. I have to have the blog or hospital bills or something to remind me when I was in which hospital. I really don't know if the memory loss is entirely alcohol related or if ECT plays a role. I mean I still have conversations with people and then later couldn't tell you what was said.. especially if I am tired. I feel like my brain isn't fully functional, and that's part of why I went along with applying for disability. Add to that how exhausted my medication makes me.. I am considering stopping my morning Seroquel to help with  the energy level problem, but should I really be making decisions about my  meds without consulting my doctor? Probably not.

I know that I am struggling. Objectively, I know. I am purging almost daily. I am cutting several times a week. I am choosing not to take all of my Wellbutrin. I am stashing the extra pills. I feel like at any moment I will give in to the desire to drink. I am having thoughts about other bad behaviors, but I haven't acted on them. Still, I convince myself that I am well because nobody else seems concerned about me. I mean.. I haven't told the entire truth, but it is so hard when they don't ask the right questions. I also just don't think they can do anything. There's not much they can offer me besides a bunch of meds and a small amount of therapy. All I really want is to have some time to myself to not have to pretend it's all ok. I am constantly on edge around my parents because I feel like they expect something from me but I don't know  what it is, and I never know when they will start arguing and about what. I mean I finally heard back from a legal aid attorney, and he sent me a questionnaire to fill out about bankruptcy. He said I needed to include my parents income and expenses since I live with them. My parents were annoyed about this and then kept arguing over what my dad listed for the expenses. I just sat there feeling guilty even though they wanted me to do this, and I am only doing what the lawyer asked. I didn't get involved with the argument about what to put down because it's none of my business. So I really just wish I could have some space to relax and rest and not be acting. I am so tired. I don't know how to tell anyone how I am doing because I think I should be doing better. The guilt about the past just makes me feel like I don't have the right to be struggling now.. but this is also the longest I have been out of the hospital for a while.

But that's enough rambling.. I need to get out of my head

Empty feeling

I did not realize how long it has been since I wrote. Days seem to be passing by quickly but mostly because they're all the same. I mean my routine is pretty much the same. My family is the same. My thoughts are the same. I'm doing well on the outside, but there's probably a lot to be concerned about. Actually, I guess some things have happened, but I will get to that.

I am struggling with emotions.. I vacillate between sadness, anxiety, numbness, and exhaustion. There are brief moments of happiness mixed in, but I think most happiness is just a lack of the other negative emotions. I am still not compliant with my meds. I am only taking my Wellbutrin in the morning and stashing or throwing out the evening dose. This is because when I was taking it I really felt blank and empty.. not unhappy but not really anything. This brings back the safety of depression. Except I am also now exhausted all the time. I did stop the random self medicating for sleep.. I had been occasionally taking extra Seroquel or Doxepin (I think that's it?) or Buspar to sleep at night. That meant not taking the seroquel or buspar in the morning and stashing the pills. It really was quite a mess. Now I am only occasionally taking melatonin, which I managed to find time to go to the pharmacy for because I was dropped off early for an appointment. I probably could have asked my parents to buy it, but I had to go to the pharmacy to buy more laxatives anyway. I did tell my psychiatrist about not taking the Wellbutrin. He basically told me to start taking it. He also mentioned it would help decrease my appetite. That's because I did say I was stress eating (I have told him I am bulimic before), and his solution was to tell me to just eat salad and vegetables. This guy is pretty useless.

Last week my mom was in the hospital for a few days. It started Sunday night/Monday morning (because it was around midnight) when she told me she was having numbness on one side of her body and her face. My dad was taking her to the ER. I was laying in bed when she told me. I got up and stared at my closet because I wanted a drink. I was afraid they'd come back and find out and that would be awful. I ended up making myself toast and eating that and going back to bed. She was in the hospital for 2 days before getting an MRI because she has a nerve stimulator implant thing in her back for the pain she has, and they took forever to verify and decide it was safe to do the MRI. The result is she had a minor stroke. During all this, I was home alone a lot.. I didn't drink. I did a lot of pacing and walking on the treadmill and some b/p to keep myself sane. I saw her in the hospital a couple times. She's home now, and it's like they are barely talking about it. I want to have a clear conversation about what the doctor said and what she needs to do or needs to avoid and how to help. I mean she snapped at me because I offered to get something out of the freezer when I got back from a meeting. She said that she didn't forget and wasn't stupid.. or something. I just saw it wasn't out, and it was something I could do without getting in the way. So I don't know what to do except wait for her to ask for my help if she needs it.

My desire to drink has been increasing over the past couple weeks. It didn't go down when she got home. I am trying to decide in my head when I can buy more vodka because I don't want to drink what I have and be unable to get more. The bottle I have is the emergency plan.. kind of like I can't take the seroquel hidden in my room without replenishing it. I was on here tonight reading posts from last summer and fall.. the ones before rehab and the ones around my suicide attempts. I am still suicidal but mostly just thoughts. I haven't been intending to do anything. I almost feel like I need to reduce some other medication to increase the depression until I need to do  something. Now I am only a little depressed and very tired.. and my life feels empty and pointless. It's just going through the motions, and it's frustrating.

I guess that's all I have to say tonight. I am exhausted and struggling to make sense. It's really pathetic that I am exhausted enough to go to bed at 11 and I can't even stay awake to watch a full episode of something on Netflix in bed. I will write more soon

Exhausted

I am really struggling the past week with exhaustion. I am just so tired physically and mentally. I try very hard to maintain an illusion of normalcy, which includes not napping and not sleeping late or going to bed before 11. When I was drinking, I spent most of my time in bed, so I don't want my parents to think that I am drinking.. or to find out I am not taking my Wellbutrin, which is probably why I am tired.

I also just want to say my parents are driving me crazy. They are arguing so much. I am not sure who is at fault because they both seem to get angry over little things. I refuse to get involved because it's not my fight and I hate conflict. Still, I am walking on eggshells trying not to cause anything. My mom complains to me about my dad, and I just listen and nod because I hate taking sides. I am honestly worried sometimes they will separate, and I will have to pick where to stay or end up with nowhere. I also worry it is somehow my fault.

In better news, I finally have an appointment to talk to someone about the disability appeal. I am hoping they can help. My case worker also asked if I was ready to work on the insane thoughts. I still don't know what to tell her and where to start because it's all so normal to me but I know it's not normal. It's the first she's mentioned working on anything serious and not just mindfulness and meditation. Those are valid but not really enough to do on my own and make it better. I am worried that I will reach a point where I will do some of the stuff I think about. So now I just have to figure out what to tell her and hope that it helps.

I really want to drink. I am too afraid to drink the vodka without knowing I can get more, so I am trying to think how to get a second bottle. I am back to where I can't imagine life with or without alcohol. I am avoiding texting my sponsor. I just don't know how willing I am to change. Right now I am just tired.

How to stop digging

I haven't had much to write lately. Things are mostly the same. In my head there is this constant debated about if I am crazy or sane. If I am sane, am I just thinking I am crazy as an excuse for being a worthless, useless, lazy human being? I am constantly questioning the reality of my problems. Logically, I had depression and bulimia before the alcoholism. I was hospitalized several times before I started drinking and was hospitalized once when I was a year sober. Yes somehow I feel like being sober means I should be back to full functioning. I should be sane now that the alcohol is gone. The problem is that I can see the signs I am still crazy, but I am getting totally mixed signals from others about it.

The main problems I am dealing with are the fact that I am fucking around with my meds.. mostly just taking half my dose of Wellbutrin, but I have also hoarded seroquel to take extra. I also am not throwing the Wellbutrin away. I am sort of stockpiling it. I really want to stop taking more of my meds, but I haven't been able to decide what to do. Plus, I don't want to have to admit to it.. and right now I could probably safely go back to the full dose. If I stop more of the meds, I might have to slowly increase again which would involve the doctor knowing. I am leaning towards manipulating the doctor to take me off more meds. Then the other problem is the eating disorder. I am still purging pretty frequently. I have cut back on laxatives because I don't want to run out, but I am still purging almost everyday.

The mixed signals has a lot to do with my case worker. She seems to push for me applying for jobs, but when I express my concern about working she will say that there's no pressure. I really wish I could get someone to give me a concrete opinion on if I should be working or applying for disability because I don't know. I just know my head is not healthy. I mean I nearly started crying the other day when my mom said we wouldn't go to the grocery store that day but would go on the weekend. I was upset at the change to the plan in my head for the day (and also because that would mean my dad would be there and they would probably argue). I get upset and overwhelmed any time I can't plan my day just right. What is going to happen if I have a bad day at work? Am I going to go back to crying in the bathroom and self harming at work to appear sane? Then doesn't it make sense to try to get better before I do that? Except.. I am not getting better.

The thing is that I have a lot on my mind. I have less than a month to decide if I should appeal the disability decision.. my case worker has said multiple times that she was emailing someone to contact me about help with it. I have waited weeks and heard nothing. I am going to have to figure out some other way to find a lawyer. I am also dealing with a lawsuit about the 16K I owe on a credit card. I contacted legal aid about that and probably filing bankruptcy. I have to wait to see if they will help me, and I don't think I can go through them for that and the disability stuff all at once because it would take so much of their time. This is going to ruin my credit, but it's pretty much ruined anyway because of all the bills that have gone to collections. I am thinking about this everyday trying to decide what I need to be doing and if I am just being lazy or really can't do anything at the moment. I am afraid of having to meet with strangers and talk about all of this shit that I am ashamed of.

And what I really want is to just have enough money to get out of my parents house, and then I can drink myself to death. I still have vodka in my closet, but I am afraid to drink it and not be able to get more if I decide to die. I am reminded often of my drinking days.. and I miss them? I miss not knowing if it was day or night when I woke up and drank to fall back asleep. I miss never getting out of bed. I miss being weak and sick and barely able to walk up the stairs. I miss it, and I feel like i am just waiting until I can go back. That's why it is hard to want to do anything. I know that if I get to be self sufficient again, I am going to go back to digging this hole I was in. Every time I thought I hit bottom, I would go to treatment or stop for a bit and then just dig myself deeper. Every bottom was lower. I know the final one is death, so I sometimes want to speed the process up. I just want to skip to the end result.

But I feel like I have no one to talk to. I have no one to tell me that I am sick and need help and to help me get it. I mean I have my case worker, but I guess I don't want to tell her and have her not help. I don't think there are resources for me to get help. In IOP, I only have a few minutes a week to check in, so there's no time to talk about what's really going on. I am too busy finding lawyers and sorting out my other shit that I have no energy to see if there's more mental health services out there that would help me. I have no money, so I am lucky to have what I have. I really want my parents to leave for a few days so I can recharge by spending my time in bed and not having to act like I am social and normal and healthy. It's exhausting. That or I want to drink to turn my brain off for a while.

Inside my head

I am really struggling. I haven't posted because I really don't know what to say. I think I am bothered by the disparity between my outside life and my inside life. To the outside world, I think I appear to be functioning. Inside my head, I can clearly tell that I am self destructing. There's a lot going on that makes this apparent to me.

I am incredibly frustrated with the therapist from IOP. He is terrible at communicating things or assuming that they're understood. Like he let me go several extra weeks at IOP (3x a week) when I should have dropped to SOP (2x a week). He said he assumed I knew and just wanted the extra accountability. Then he normally says SOP lasts about 10 weeks. Well after far less than that, he tells me I am out of sessions... and he says this like I should have known that was my last day. He ended up giving me one more individual session.. and when I came for that he seemed surprised I hadn't come Monday and Tuesday.. I'm like.. you told me once a week? So yeah.. it's very frustrating. He seemed to think it was odd that I wasn't excited about this, and I tried to hint at the fact that I am NOT doing well with regards to my mental health and other than this group, I only see my case worked every 2 weeks for 30min. I love my case worker, but it is very hard to accomplish anything in that time. So dropping down to once a week means getting very little help when my mental health is clearly getting worse. Except I don't think he sees that. He also has asked me a couple times about if I was looking for a job or if my parents expected me to find a job. I will get to that in a minute, but he didn't seem to understand why I am anxious about that and why I applied for disability. I don't want to get a job and fall apart and end up losing it anyway. In group, I just say in general that I am struggling with depression and stuff because it's a substance abuse group.. I don't feel it's appropriate to talk about the depression, the eating disorder, the self harm.. but other patients have been commenting that I look unhappy. They seem to understand it better.

I don't know if i wrote yet that my disability application was turned down. I had been told to expect that, but it was still really hard. The decision said stuff about how I am being treated for the depression and should be able to manage it with medication. Well.. I am not taking all my medications. I keep playing around with not taking all my wellbutrin. I also have a stash of a couple other medications that I am taking at random for sleep. It wasn't because of the disability decision. I started it because I had reached a point where I wasn't really depressed but I certainly wasn't happy. It feels safe for me to be depressed than to be numb. But since I started this, I have started self harming again. I also have a stockpile of meds and a bottle of vodka hidden. That's not normal behavior.

Since all this.. the suicidal thoughts are worse. No plan at the moment, but I know that the vodka is there as a backup. I haven't told anyone that the pills and vodka are a suicide backup plan.. I think they think I just plan to drink if it gets to be too much. The consequences are potentially serious enough, that I know I can't drink if I want to stay alive.

The eating disorder is still there. I am purging daily. I have been getting very upset if anything interferes with the time I set aside to pace the house or jog in place to get my steps. I spend a lot of time thinking about all of this. I am also eating compulsively.. especially at night. The self loathing is pretty deep at this point. I feel completely worthless.

So then.. because all of this isn't bad enough. I mean I am at least still doing what I am supposed to. I am not drinking. I am going to meetings. I am stumbling over how to tell or text my sponsor about how i am doing. I went to see an employment counselor and at least applied for one job since then. I still am not sure that I can do it.. like it causes instant panic to think about working. I have been reading back through my old posts and my old instagram posts and I can see how crazy I was for a long time before they fired me. I also kind of miss it. I miss the insanity of drinking and spending my days in bed. I miss not having to pretend to function. Anyway, tonight my parents hand me something that was left on the door about someone trying to serve me with papers. I am sure it is regarding some debt collector... I have all sorts of debt collectors calling me. I have been ignoring them because I have $0.. actually less than no money. Now my parents want me to call legal aid... I've kind of known I would eventually end up filing bankruptcy because I owe tens of thousands of dollars and have no income. Still.. my first thought tonight involved a bottle of pills and vodka. I can't handle this on top of everything else. I mean.. I don't even know how many bills I have out there. I might be able to list the hospitals, but there are so many bills.

I just don't see myself coming back from all this. I feel like I am delaying the inevitable by pretending I am going to live. I don't see myself able to regain independence, and I cannot spend my life living with my parents. I just want to give up. And having no insurance means I am seeing someone every 2 weeks for 30 minutes.. and that's probably all the help I can get unless it becomes a crisis. Sorry.. that sounds ungrateful. I know it could be so much worse. I just don't want to be doing any of this.