I added the 2nd bit to the title so you know I have some positive.
But yeah.. eating disorder is going terribly. I last posted on Thursday. Everything kinda crashed and burned after that. Friday I had school, and I was a dumbass (well no.. I will give myself credit, I was a disordered person) and didn't eat breakfast or lunch and only ate a bit of beef jerky around 5pm because I was going to the dog park with my friend L. After that, I went to the 8pm AA meeting (without dinner). I spent the entire meeting thinking about food. So what do I do after? Binge.
What made this especially crazy is that I didn't want to go to the grocery store, so I was going to fast food places, and it was after 9pm so a lot of places were closing. So I'm driving around trying to figure out where is open. I don't drive at night well when I'm that hungry and tired. I eat at a few places and go home and purge and go to bed.
I get up Saturday and go to AA. No, I don't eat breakfast or lunch because again.. I'm not very intelligent or sane. So I repeat said process. Except, now it's daytime.. so I get to go to different places. I was also petsitting for my parents, so I go to their house after.
Sunday, I go to church and lunch. I purge lunch. I don't know why.. I didn't even eat all of it because I didn't like it. Then I went to AA at 6. I was going to stay for the meeting at 8, but I kept thinking about food and restaurants that would be closing, so I left.
Monday, I just didn't eat. Today, I ate breakfast and.. well lunch sort of (not what a normal person would consider lunch) and now I'm binging again because I went to AA starving again.
I've wasted probably $75 on binge food when I really can't afford it. It's fucking ridiculous. I know what I need to do is eat actual meals, but I don't exactly have real food in the apartment. I have rice cakes, beef jerky, fruit cups.. eating disorder food.
But in other news.. school stuff is progressing at least. Still not confident of my organizational system. I still have 1 main outline. I have a notepad of handwritten notes on articles that's faster to flip through than opening pdf files. My outline on retroviruses is 3 pages long now and includes the basics on the major genes, the first 2 generations of vectors, some on the viral life cycle.. and some I can't remember without opening it. Now I'm reading actual articles on trials where they were used. Then I will tackle the next virus. The days when I sit around at AA for hours I load articles on my tablet and read them there. Hard to focus, so I mostly read review articles.. but it's something productive.
I kept getting distracted today looking at recipes for dinner tomorrow since I'm going to a friend's house. Again, eating might help. I'm also going a little crazy because I found out yesterday that a good friend of mine from AA tried to kill herself last week. She's alive.. I mean I found this out from her (I heard the rumor from someone else but after I had already seen my friend that day). It's just scary. It's also weird because it puts those thoughts in my head. I'm not actively suicidal, but I do always think that I wouldn't eat/binge/purge this way if I just wanted to lose weight.. there is a sort of death wish in it. Hard to deny that.
Tuesday, January 20, 2015
Thursday, January 15, 2015
An update and some honesty **ED trigger warning**
So I did talk to my professor/advisor. I ended up dropping the class I'm taking, so I am only teaching and writing now. The deadline for my paper if I want to graduate in May is March 23rd, which is when it would have to be given to my committee. Then first week of April would be my defense. There's various other deadlines after that if there needs to be more editing. It seems possible.
Honestly since then, I've gone a little (or a lot) crazy. It had been coming. I had not been fully honest about some of this. I have been visiting various eating disorder related websites. One is this fascinating forum for parents/family of primarily children with eating disorders.. which I read out of morbid curiosity mostly. There is so much they do not understand about what goes on in our heads. They're so convinced if we eat it all gets better and it's not a mental thing.
The other is worse. The other is not recovery oriented. I am not giving details.
It has been affecting my brain.. I've felt more guilty eating. It contributed to some of the binging and purging. And honestly ED thinking contributes to the drinking because drinking makes me think about food and drinking makes me forget about food.
Well, since I haven't been drinking, I've gone a bit crazy with food. I didn't have to eat as much. Monday-Wednesday averaged 500 calories a day. I thought I was going to faint teaching Tuesday.. the room kinda started swimming.. I had been eating this granola bar.. 1/3 before my 1st class, 1/3 after, and the last when that happened. Thankfully it was when I could excuse myself. I managed to get through. There were a few other times over those days I felt dizzy.
Today I had to eat with my parents so I had more. But anyway, on top of that, I have basically been alternating research, writing, and checking that website. I watch some tv, read a few other sites, check facebook, and check that website. It's gotten a bit crazy.
I went shopping last night with a girl from AA mainly for school supplies, but we walked through the grocery section.. she had made the comment "I shouldn't make you grocery shop if you're not hungry" because I had admittedly lied that I wasn't hungry and that's why I'd been eating so little.. and she was so patient with my insanity. I said I wanted granola bars. Then I gave up. I couldn't buy any. The one I had Tuesday had been a random single buy. None of them seem right otherwise, and I can't really explain what my requirements are.
I stopped to look at fruit cups, and I was looking at pears, but the ones I had already were an even number of calories (a multiple of ten) and the bran they had were a multiple of 5 and that math gets my head a lot more wrapped up unless I have another 5. It's an OCD thing more than an ED thing. I finally found peaches. She bought groceries too.
So that's the honesty of how the ED is going. It was initially a slow descent, and it seemed voluntary. Now it's different. I told myself I should eat something extra before therapy and my parents house when I was wandering around a grocery store. I kept picking things up and telling myself no. I would think yes and then no. Things that were normally fine. Things like an 80 calorie piece of cheese (This has been a mental argument twice this week).
I told my therapist about restricting and counting calories. Her (I know this is rude) idiotic answer was that if I wanted to count just count to 1800 at least and keep track of that. Seriously? I guess I didn't mention some of the other stuff. It's hard to explain the mental insanity. I am just so in my head. I find myself talking aloud to myself more too (not like to voices, thinking out loud). I also keep staying up late watching movies. I'm exhausted.
Honestly since then, I've gone a little (or a lot) crazy. It had been coming. I had not been fully honest about some of this. I have been visiting various eating disorder related websites. One is this fascinating forum for parents/family of primarily children with eating disorders.. which I read out of morbid curiosity mostly. There is so much they do not understand about what goes on in our heads. They're so convinced if we eat it all gets better and it's not a mental thing.
The other is worse. The other is not recovery oriented. I am not giving details.
It has been affecting my brain.. I've felt more guilty eating. It contributed to some of the binging and purging. And honestly ED thinking contributes to the drinking because drinking makes me think about food and drinking makes me forget about food.
Well, since I haven't been drinking, I've gone a bit crazy with food. I didn't have to eat as much. Monday-Wednesday averaged 500 calories a day. I thought I was going to faint teaching Tuesday.. the room kinda started swimming.. I had been eating this granola bar.. 1/3 before my 1st class, 1/3 after, and the last when that happened. Thankfully it was when I could excuse myself. I managed to get through. There were a few other times over those days I felt dizzy.
Today I had to eat with my parents so I had more. But anyway, on top of that, I have basically been alternating research, writing, and checking that website. I watch some tv, read a few other sites, check facebook, and check that website. It's gotten a bit crazy.
I went shopping last night with a girl from AA mainly for school supplies, but we walked through the grocery section.. she had made the comment "I shouldn't make you grocery shop if you're not hungry" because I had admittedly lied that I wasn't hungry and that's why I'd been eating so little.. and she was so patient with my insanity. I said I wanted granola bars. Then I gave up. I couldn't buy any. The one I had Tuesday had been a random single buy. None of them seem right otherwise, and I can't really explain what my requirements are.
I stopped to look at fruit cups, and I was looking at pears, but the ones I had already were an even number of calories (a multiple of ten) and the bran they had were a multiple of 5 and that math gets my head a lot more wrapped up unless I have another 5. It's an OCD thing more than an ED thing. I finally found peaches. She bought groceries too.
So that's the honesty of how the ED is going. It was initially a slow descent, and it seemed voluntary. Now it's different. I told myself I should eat something extra before therapy and my parents house when I was wandering around a grocery store. I kept picking things up and telling myself no. I would think yes and then no. Things that were normally fine. Things like an 80 calorie piece of cheese (This has been a mental argument twice this week).
I told my therapist about restricting and counting calories. Her (I know this is rude) idiotic answer was that if I wanted to count just count to 1800 at least and keep track of that. Seriously? I guess I didn't mention some of the other stuff. It's hard to explain the mental insanity. I am just so in my head. I find myself talking aloud to myself more too (not like to voices, thinking out loud). I also keep staying up late watching movies. I'm exhausted.
Monday, January 12, 2015
So begins another semester
There are other things I should be doing right now.. and I feel bad because this keyboard is loud and I'm in a computer lab. But.. kinda very stressed, hungry, and stressed.. so I'll update
I don't think I've written in a few days. Things have been up and down. I haven't had a drink since Thursday. Friday night was rough. Really high blood pressure, pretty much no sleep. Plus, I still actually had alcohol (not much) in the apartment. Saturday was a bit better. I went to AA and then my sponsor's house.
It was a bit awkward.. she made dinner. Her daughters were there and 3 others from AA. They were all at the table, and when offered I said I'd eat later. Well, basically everyone kept getting extra servings, so there was none left. I'm not sure if I intended to eat. I definitely was not going to eat at the table with everyone. But I think at least one person felt bad, but I said it was fine. I snacked on some crackers and a soda (mainly because I was fairly dizzy when I did get out of my chair). I ate some when I got home though.
Food today is not going too well. I didn't sleep well last night. I kept coughing. Then this morning I was depressed and didn't want to get up. I finally did aroung 11. I intended to be at school around noon. I walked around getting ready, and there was nothing I wanted to take to school to eat. I (this may no longer be true) have class at 4 until possibly 7, so I needed to take something. But I didn't want any of it. I have yet to be able to heat up and eat food at school. I can take food that requires no preparation, but I didn't have much. I found a granola bar, and I ate 4 crackers while I took my meds.
Well, why I am more stressed now. I am registered for a class that I admittedly have no desire to take. I am registered because I need to be registered for 6 hours to teach/work and this is all I haven't taken. I registered in a panic before going inpatient in december. The professor who is essentially in charge of me asked when I emailed her about registration if I was able to register for less and focus on writing, I said no. I know I probably should have put of registration or gone to see her last week, but she did not when I emailed her offer an alternative to this class.
I got to talk to my teaching/work boss. She mentions that she spoke to this other professor and that the other professor didn't like the idea of me taking this class (neither does work boss). So.. now I get to talk to this professor. And if you have read this long enough you know this is a pattern.. put of talking to her until the thought of speaking to her causes panic. Mainly because I have been avoiding her, but also at this point because I should have gotten a lot more done last semester. It is not entirely my fault that I didn't. And the fact that I didn't is why she doesn't want me taking this class, but I still feel ashamed about it. Anyway.. she gets done teaching in another 15-20 minutes. I am hoping to find her between then and when I am supposed to have class.
I am tired. I am not optimistic about this semester. This is how I see it ending
1. I do not finish and I drop out ashamed and jobless or face the shame of telling someone I dropped out
2. I drop out and kill myself rather than face that
3. I do graduate but cannot find a job in time and cannot keep my apartment
I don't think I've written in a few days. Things have been up and down. I haven't had a drink since Thursday. Friday night was rough. Really high blood pressure, pretty much no sleep. Plus, I still actually had alcohol (not much) in the apartment. Saturday was a bit better. I went to AA and then my sponsor's house.
It was a bit awkward.. she made dinner. Her daughters were there and 3 others from AA. They were all at the table, and when offered I said I'd eat later. Well, basically everyone kept getting extra servings, so there was none left. I'm not sure if I intended to eat. I definitely was not going to eat at the table with everyone. But I think at least one person felt bad, but I said it was fine. I snacked on some crackers and a soda (mainly because I was fairly dizzy when I did get out of my chair). I ate some when I got home though.
Food today is not going too well. I didn't sleep well last night. I kept coughing. Then this morning I was depressed and didn't want to get up. I finally did aroung 11. I intended to be at school around noon. I walked around getting ready, and there was nothing I wanted to take to school to eat. I (this may no longer be true) have class at 4 until possibly 7, so I needed to take something. But I didn't want any of it. I have yet to be able to heat up and eat food at school. I can take food that requires no preparation, but I didn't have much. I found a granola bar, and I ate 4 crackers while I took my meds.
Well, why I am more stressed now. I am registered for a class that I admittedly have no desire to take. I am registered because I need to be registered for 6 hours to teach/work and this is all I haven't taken. I registered in a panic before going inpatient in december. The professor who is essentially in charge of me asked when I emailed her about registration if I was able to register for less and focus on writing, I said no. I know I probably should have put of registration or gone to see her last week, but she did not when I emailed her offer an alternative to this class.
I got to talk to my teaching/work boss. She mentions that she spoke to this other professor and that the other professor didn't like the idea of me taking this class (neither does work boss). So.. now I get to talk to this professor. And if you have read this long enough you know this is a pattern.. put of talking to her until the thought of speaking to her causes panic. Mainly because I have been avoiding her, but also at this point because I should have gotten a lot more done last semester. It is not entirely my fault that I didn't. And the fact that I didn't is why she doesn't want me taking this class, but I still feel ashamed about it. Anyway.. she gets done teaching in another 15-20 minutes. I am hoping to find her between then and when I am supposed to have class.
I am tired. I am not optimistic about this semester. This is how I see it ending
1. I do not finish and I drop out ashamed and jobless or face the shame of telling someone I dropped out
2. I drop out and kill myself rather than face that
3. I do graduate but cannot find a job in time and cannot keep my apartment
Tuesday, January 6, 2015
Not my proudest moment
I am not a fan of showing my emotions.. except maybe around a certain few people.. and honestly that number of people has dwindled over the past year or two. I think the more times I've relapsed, the more I worry about being judged, so the more I feel like I need to hide it all.
But today that didn't work out. The last post explains the full situation with grad school.. basically problems with getting a class schedule and getting my financial aid. Well, I go to AA at noon.. and I didn't want to go. I was feeling depressed. I pretty much woke up, got dressed, and went.. and I have this weird paranoia at times the mornings after I've been drinking.. that there's something in my hair or on my face or I have a bruise or something.. and I feel like everyone can see it, and I missed it. Or I worry I smell. or something. Today was like that. I went in the restroom and had to check myself from all angles in the mirror. I was fine.
I got depressed during the meeting. I don't know why exactly. I can't really even remember the topic. I just remember wanting to cry and feeling suicidal. Well, then the meeting ends and my sponsor says she has to go to work. I go to leave and check my phone. I have 2 emails from my boss. One saying can I go back to teaching the 2 tuesday labs. One saying to come talk to her because the schedule changes are complicated. I also do not have an email from the financial aid office about what's going on there.
And.. people keep walking by and asking if I'm ok, and I think gradually the expression on my face became less and less ok. And I stopped being able to find words to really answer. Then I just started crying. Whenever I was able to speak, I would just say school problems. Finally one woman stops, and she asks if she should go get my sponsor, and I say she was going to work. Well, I guess she got another woman who pretty much forces me into the back room and sits me down, and I try to explain.. and anyway. She says a prayer.. and then basically the rest amounts to her telling me to just go to school and deal with it and not worry about anyone judging me (I have this fear they judge me for not having graduated yet)
I managed to get the class problem fixed. I haven't gotten the financial stuff fixed. When I got home, I did manage to go online through the department of education and find online where they show the full amount of loans they gave me this year. The amount that they show as accepted for this year, is only what I was given in Fall. That means they did approve loans for me to be given this semester, so this is an issue with the school. Mainly, this means I am not totally crazy. The documents I was given in August showed that full amount, and what I am seeing now is not the same number. This makes me happy because I really doubt my memory these days since the alcohol has screwed it up. I was still depressed and feeling a bit crazy after this (I spent a lot of time staring at my computer).
I went to 2 more meetings. I was a little embarrassed to go after the whole crying thing, but it was ok. Still.. 3 meetings today and I'm drinking. I feel like a failure.
But today that didn't work out. The last post explains the full situation with grad school.. basically problems with getting a class schedule and getting my financial aid. Well, I go to AA at noon.. and I didn't want to go. I was feeling depressed. I pretty much woke up, got dressed, and went.. and I have this weird paranoia at times the mornings after I've been drinking.. that there's something in my hair or on my face or I have a bruise or something.. and I feel like everyone can see it, and I missed it. Or I worry I smell. or something. Today was like that. I went in the restroom and had to check myself from all angles in the mirror. I was fine.
I got depressed during the meeting. I don't know why exactly. I can't really even remember the topic. I just remember wanting to cry and feeling suicidal. Well, then the meeting ends and my sponsor says she has to go to work. I go to leave and check my phone. I have 2 emails from my boss. One saying can I go back to teaching the 2 tuesday labs. One saying to come talk to her because the schedule changes are complicated. I also do not have an email from the financial aid office about what's going on there.
And.. people keep walking by and asking if I'm ok, and I think gradually the expression on my face became less and less ok. And I stopped being able to find words to really answer. Then I just started crying. Whenever I was able to speak, I would just say school problems. Finally one woman stops, and she asks if she should go get my sponsor, and I say she was going to work. Well, I guess she got another woman who pretty much forces me into the back room and sits me down, and I try to explain.. and anyway. She says a prayer.. and then basically the rest amounts to her telling me to just go to school and deal with it and not worry about anyone judging me (I have this fear they judge me for not having graduated yet)
I managed to get the class problem fixed. I haven't gotten the financial stuff fixed. When I got home, I did manage to go online through the department of education and find online where they show the full amount of loans they gave me this year. The amount that they show as accepted for this year, is only what I was given in Fall. That means they did approve loans for me to be given this semester, so this is an issue with the school. Mainly, this means I am not totally crazy. The documents I was given in August showed that full amount, and what I am seeing now is not the same number. This makes me happy because I really doubt my memory these days since the alcohol has screwed it up. I was still depressed and feeling a bit crazy after this (I spent a lot of time staring at my computer).
I went to 2 more meetings. I was a little embarrassed to go after the whole crying thing, but it was ok. Still.. 3 meetings today and I'm drinking. I feel like a failure.
Monday, January 5, 2015
Graduate school will be the death of me.. well not literally.. or not immediately at least
Because the prospect of sobriety and school starting and all that isn't enough, I am once again dealing with financial aid shit. Except, truly with no warning this time.
If you weren't reading then, this past fall semester I was told that because I did not have satisfactory academic progress (basically I had registered for too many hours without graduating) I could not get student loans through the government. Realize, I am talking about loans not scholarships. I am talking unsubsidized loans where I even pay interest on them. If you don't live in the U.S. I invite you to consider the logic? of this. If you live here, you probably know. So basically, I would be forced to get private loans, which are through a bank rather than the department of education, at a much higher interest late, with less options as far as lowering or postponing payments if you are poor when you are expected to start repaying.. or to get the head of the department to appeal.
After a very stressful few days, the department chair 1. Appealed to the graduate school so that because I was teaching more than is normally expected of grad students I was required to register for less and 2. Contacted financial aid and received confirmation that i was registered for enough to receive aid and my financial aid had been extended.
So, after some more stress and mess involving paperwork that just didn't get handled properly (not my fault at all), I received the letter that comes I think from the department of education that states how much I am eligible to receive in loans. I know my memory is shit, but I know it contained loans for both Fall 2014 and Spring 2015. I went through the school website and accepted the loans for both semesters (you technically have the chance to borrow less than the max offered).
So I thought this was all fine. I was good for the academic year. Except recently I was having problems with registering for classes.
I realized after a couple years (or maybe sooner) that there were some major flaws in the school I am attending. One is that there are not enough classes offered.
If you are teaching, you need to be registered for 6 hours per semester which is 2 classes. What is required is 30 hours. 5 semesters I suppose. I know nobody who has graduated that fast. I admit, I should have finished sooner. Mainly, I should have given up on research sooner. I wasted at least 2 semesters on dying cells and a professor in complete denial and blame about the whole situation where I could accomplish NOTHING (this seriously makes me want to cry now).
Ok, so onto the current problem, I am trying to register for this semester and there is only 1 thing I see offered I have not taken. I am registered, but there is no time or day listed for it, so I have no idea if it will fit with my work schedule. I have no idea if it will actually exist. I might be able to register for another class at another location. Need to find that out in addition to the rest of this.
Well, I am trying to figure out if I can register for the class at the other location because sometimes things show up in the search that we need special permission to take. So I am trying to see and tell a friend if this is one. Well, I notice that it will let me register, but now it has me not registered for 2 classes I had previously registered for (which is still an issue). Well, I re-register. It takes a while to wonder if it has to do with financial aid. You can get dropped for not paying. I look, and the loans aren't there. I check in several places. I finally look and that letter that tells what I've received, is a letter dated today January 5th.
WHAT THE FUCK?? I received no notice of this. No explanation. No warning. I emailed the department chair. She asked if I emailed financial aid... so I remembered I should ask them (even though this will probably involve her). I am admittedly in a better position this time. I have rent paid for this month. I have enough to pay the 1/4 of tuition required to be paid this week which gives me times to get private loans.
It just sucks. I don't need this. I already have that nagging thought that if I don't graduate in May I will kill myself. that is if I even last till then. If I don't stop drinking and if I don't clean my apartment (which is really not as shallow as it sounds), I may not last until May. I don't want to talk about that.
So instead, let's talk about my gerbil. My poor, stressed gerbil. My main experience with small rodents is with a hamster. When we got him, He was relatively ok with being picked up.. with running around on tables or desks. Admittedly, he eventually developed a taste for human flesh, but that was mostly after I moved away and left him with my mom. I really didn't have the space or means at the time to have him and a cat. My mom's next 2 gerbils (the 1st died after almost 2 years of we presume old age) were mean and fast, so I didn't touch them.
The gerbil... I am trying hard to believe (after reading a lot) that at some point I will be able to hold her. My mom's 2nd couple of hamsters were a type of dwarf hamsters that are usually fast and mean, so that had nothing to do with me. So far.. the gerbil has bitten me a few times. The 1st was the 1st day I brought her home. The 2nd was when she jumped/fell? out of her cage and I had to catch her on the floor. No blame there. Since then I have been cautious. Feeding her treats through the bars of the cage or occasionally through the door. The door has to do with how she got out.. so hesitant there.
Well, I needed to clean the cage, and I thought this method made sense. I was wrong. Her cage has 2 levels. My goal was to keep her on the 2nd floor in the burrow she built and remove the bedding from the 1st. Well, this worked for a while even though she kept trying to get down. Eventually she did, but there was no bedding and it was not clean enough. I had to wait until she went up again to clean a bit more and put in more bedding, a toilet paper cardboard thing (she loves shredding them), a chew thing, and some food). Later I had to add food. Now I am going nowhere near it until I hope she is calm. She took an almond through the cage. Is it weird that I am worried about the gerbil being stressed? I feel like a bad person if she is scared because of me cleaning, but seriously poop everywhere.
Next time I intend to move her to a travel carrier or something first. I tried today but not until she was stressed and I could not figure out a safe transfer that didn't involve further trauma or further risk of escape. So I will be a better gerbil mom. I will be a good cat mom. I will hopefully figure out all this school shit that I still think makes no sense. I originally had hoped to stay sober, so I texted my sponsor and went to her house. I went to her house and still ended up drinking, but I didn't hurt myself or do anything suicidal, which is better than a lot of thoughts I was having checking all the emails and websites today. So victory.. who knows? Try again tomorrow, yes.
If you weren't reading then, this past fall semester I was told that because I did not have satisfactory academic progress (basically I had registered for too many hours without graduating) I could not get student loans through the government. Realize, I am talking about loans not scholarships. I am talking unsubsidized loans where I even pay interest on them. If you don't live in the U.S. I invite you to consider the logic? of this. If you live here, you probably know. So basically, I would be forced to get private loans, which are through a bank rather than the department of education, at a much higher interest late, with less options as far as lowering or postponing payments if you are poor when you are expected to start repaying.. or to get the head of the department to appeal.
After a very stressful few days, the department chair 1. Appealed to the graduate school so that because I was teaching more than is normally expected of grad students I was required to register for less and 2. Contacted financial aid and received confirmation that i was registered for enough to receive aid and my financial aid had been extended.
So, after some more stress and mess involving paperwork that just didn't get handled properly (not my fault at all), I received the letter that comes I think from the department of education that states how much I am eligible to receive in loans. I know my memory is shit, but I know it contained loans for both Fall 2014 and Spring 2015. I went through the school website and accepted the loans for both semesters (you technically have the chance to borrow less than the max offered).
So I thought this was all fine. I was good for the academic year. Except recently I was having problems with registering for classes.
I realized after a couple years (or maybe sooner) that there were some major flaws in the school I am attending. One is that there are not enough classes offered.
If you are teaching, you need to be registered for 6 hours per semester which is 2 classes. What is required is 30 hours. 5 semesters I suppose. I know nobody who has graduated that fast. I admit, I should have finished sooner. Mainly, I should have given up on research sooner. I wasted at least 2 semesters on dying cells and a professor in complete denial and blame about the whole situation where I could accomplish NOTHING (this seriously makes me want to cry now).
Ok, so onto the current problem, I am trying to register for this semester and there is only 1 thing I see offered I have not taken. I am registered, but there is no time or day listed for it, so I have no idea if it will fit with my work schedule. I have no idea if it will actually exist. I might be able to register for another class at another location. Need to find that out in addition to the rest of this.
Well, I am trying to figure out if I can register for the class at the other location because sometimes things show up in the search that we need special permission to take. So I am trying to see and tell a friend if this is one. Well, I notice that it will let me register, but now it has me not registered for 2 classes I had previously registered for (which is still an issue). Well, I re-register. It takes a while to wonder if it has to do with financial aid. You can get dropped for not paying. I look, and the loans aren't there. I check in several places. I finally look and that letter that tells what I've received, is a letter dated today January 5th.
WHAT THE FUCK?? I received no notice of this. No explanation. No warning. I emailed the department chair. She asked if I emailed financial aid... so I remembered I should ask them (even though this will probably involve her). I am admittedly in a better position this time. I have rent paid for this month. I have enough to pay the 1/4 of tuition required to be paid this week which gives me times to get private loans.
It just sucks. I don't need this. I already have that nagging thought that if I don't graduate in May I will kill myself. that is if I even last till then. If I don't stop drinking and if I don't clean my apartment (which is really not as shallow as it sounds), I may not last until May. I don't want to talk about that.
So instead, let's talk about my gerbil. My poor, stressed gerbil. My main experience with small rodents is with a hamster. When we got him, He was relatively ok with being picked up.. with running around on tables or desks. Admittedly, he eventually developed a taste for human flesh, but that was mostly after I moved away and left him with my mom. I really didn't have the space or means at the time to have him and a cat. My mom's next 2 gerbils (the 1st died after almost 2 years of we presume old age) were mean and fast, so I didn't touch them.
The gerbil... I am trying hard to believe (after reading a lot) that at some point I will be able to hold her. My mom's 2nd couple of hamsters were a type of dwarf hamsters that are usually fast and mean, so that had nothing to do with me. So far.. the gerbil has bitten me a few times. The 1st was the 1st day I brought her home. The 2nd was when she jumped/fell? out of her cage and I had to catch her on the floor. No blame there. Since then I have been cautious. Feeding her treats through the bars of the cage or occasionally through the door. The door has to do with how she got out.. so hesitant there.
Well, I needed to clean the cage, and I thought this method made sense. I was wrong. Her cage has 2 levels. My goal was to keep her on the 2nd floor in the burrow she built and remove the bedding from the 1st. Well, this worked for a while even though she kept trying to get down. Eventually she did, but there was no bedding and it was not clean enough. I had to wait until she went up again to clean a bit more and put in more bedding, a toilet paper cardboard thing (she loves shredding them), a chew thing, and some food). Later I had to add food. Now I am going nowhere near it until I hope she is calm. She took an almond through the cage. Is it weird that I am worried about the gerbil being stressed? I feel like a bad person if she is scared because of me cleaning, but seriously poop everywhere.
Next time I intend to move her to a travel carrier or something first. I tried today but not until she was stressed and I could not figure out a safe transfer that didn't involve further trauma or further risk of escape. So I will be a better gerbil mom. I will be a good cat mom. I will hopefully figure out all this school shit that I still think makes no sense. I originally had hoped to stay sober, so I texted my sponsor and went to her house. I went to her house and still ended up drinking, but I didn't hurt myself or do anything suicidal, which is better than a lot of thoughts I was having checking all the emails and websites today. So victory.. who knows? Try again tomorrow, yes.
Sunday, January 4, 2015
Tired of feeling like shit
I don't think it was ever possible to feel well drinking as much as I do. I've heard that blacking out is pretty much a sign of alcohol poisoning. Though, in my case it's complicated by drinking and taking a lot of medication. Either way, 15-20 shots of vodka can't be good for me, right?
I've gone through phases. Each phase had different physical symptoms, and occasionally I'd be mostly ok.
There was a phase where I would get sick when I was drinking, and I had to be careful and do all sorts of things to make sure I didn't throw up. I had to pace myself. I had certain chasers. I balanced it with certain foods. Lots of habits and tricks.
There was a phase where I would get sick in the morning. I think it was blood sugar related, and I've heard other alcoholics talk about it. Alcohol screws up your blood sugar, so I'm guessing it would crash in the morning. It meant if I didn't eat by a certain time, I would spontaneously start throwing up even if I had nothing in my stomach. I was so glad when that seemed to stop. Especially because with an eating disorder, my body forcing me to eat in the morning was very upsetting.
Let's see... eventually, the blacking out seemed to get worse. There were more signs I was actually doing things while blacked out instead of just showering and going to bed. There were more times I fell down. I'd wake up to find things knocked over or find mystery bruises. I kept getting upset because I would continue playing computer games (which probably should not have been the thing that I focused on). I was never overly concerned with hurting myself. I worried about somehow hurting the cats or if (God forbid) I decided to drive or in any way hurt someone else.
Then the past few days. I don't know if this is alcohol or because I had been binging and purging a lot (so dehydration, electrolytes, etc) or whatever, but I've been feeling weird. I'll randomly get either dizzy or lightheaded. I'll feel like my arms or legs have fallen asleep. It's weird because it doesn't happen at predictable times.
Like I was meeting a friend for lunch today, and I got there early. I was sitting in my car and just started feeling weird. Not exactly dizzy, but weird. So I decided to get up and walk around a store that was nearby. It felt a bit better to be moving. Then in the restaurant we were waiting to order, and I just got really lightheaded. I felt a little sick while I ate. I felt a little bad because I ordered a sandwich and soup combo. I ate the sandwich and the chips it came with, but I couldn't manage the soup. I was eating with a friend who is anorexic, and I hate not finishing food, but it just wasn't good. She also knows about the alcoholism, and I did tell her I was lightheaded. I did what I could.
I felt a bit better after having a couple glasses of water. I was looking online while at my parents house, and I found a few sites (didn't read in detail) that mentioned dizziness as a symptom of high blood pressure.. and that has definitely been a problem lately. It's one of the biggest withdrawal symptoms in this latest phase. The kind of blood pressure I can feel. I contemplated looking through my mom's medicine for something for blood pressure but decided that was a bit crazy. The latest phase also includes the tremors and muscle twitches.
So... I get home tonight, and I'm tired, and I feel shitty. And it's like I feel too poorly to drink, but I know I feel poorly because I need to drink. It's a horrible position to be in. School starts on the 12th, and this needs to stop.
I am drinking tonight because I had some vodka left and I don't feel like doing withdrawal tonight. I am thinking I may have a few drinks in the day tomorrow. I am going to church in the evening and (I do know this is not logical to a non-alcoholic) it is safer for me to be driving and be out at night if I am not detoxing and going through withdrawal. I just need that tiny bit (a couple bottles of hard cider which is equivalent to 2 beers) to maybe make me feel normal. Then Wednesday no drinks.
Of course, this is currently all talk. I've thought plans like this last week and the week prior to that. Action is what counts. I am just so fucking tired. I cannot handle feeling sick all of the time. I wonder often if I should really be driving or be out in public when I'm sober. I read a website today that talked about one of the detox symptoms as depersonalization or feeling like a spectator watching what's going on.. and that really actually describes what happens some times. Other times I just can't focus. Today wasn't that bad, but there are bad days. Days where I seriously think I should call someone for a ride. That's no ok. I know it's not ok. I feel guilty for that. I feel scared. I am usually fully aware of how wrong the things I am doing are. I am aware, but I feel I have no other choice. I am just so tired.
I honestly feel like I need to get sober or I will not survive this semester. One way or another I will not. I can't. This is not life. I have good times, but lately they are so outweighed by the bad and the sickness and the fear.
I've gone through phases. Each phase had different physical symptoms, and occasionally I'd be mostly ok.
There was a phase where I would get sick when I was drinking, and I had to be careful and do all sorts of things to make sure I didn't throw up. I had to pace myself. I had certain chasers. I balanced it with certain foods. Lots of habits and tricks.
There was a phase where I would get sick in the morning. I think it was blood sugar related, and I've heard other alcoholics talk about it. Alcohol screws up your blood sugar, so I'm guessing it would crash in the morning. It meant if I didn't eat by a certain time, I would spontaneously start throwing up even if I had nothing in my stomach. I was so glad when that seemed to stop. Especially because with an eating disorder, my body forcing me to eat in the morning was very upsetting.
Let's see... eventually, the blacking out seemed to get worse. There were more signs I was actually doing things while blacked out instead of just showering and going to bed. There were more times I fell down. I'd wake up to find things knocked over or find mystery bruises. I kept getting upset because I would continue playing computer games (which probably should not have been the thing that I focused on). I was never overly concerned with hurting myself. I worried about somehow hurting the cats or if (God forbid) I decided to drive or in any way hurt someone else.
Then the past few days. I don't know if this is alcohol or because I had been binging and purging a lot (so dehydration, electrolytes, etc) or whatever, but I've been feeling weird. I'll randomly get either dizzy or lightheaded. I'll feel like my arms or legs have fallen asleep. It's weird because it doesn't happen at predictable times.
Like I was meeting a friend for lunch today, and I got there early. I was sitting in my car and just started feeling weird. Not exactly dizzy, but weird. So I decided to get up and walk around a store that was nearby. It felt a bit better to be moving. Then in the restaurant we were waiting to order, and I just got really lightheaded. I felt a little sick while I ate. I felt a little bad because I ordered a sandwich and soup combo. I ate the sandwich and the chips it came with, but I couldn't manage the soup. I was eating with a friend who is anorexic, and I hate not finishing food, but it just wasn't good. She also knows about the alcoholism, and I did tell her I was lightheaded. I did what I could.
I felt a bit better after having a couple glasses of water. I was looking online while at my parents house, and I found a few sites (didn't read in detail) that mentioned dizziness as a symptom of high blood pressure.. and that has definitely been a problem lately. It's one of the biggest withdrawal symptoms in this latest phase. The kind of blood pressure I can feel. I contemplated looking through my mom's medicine for something for blood pressure but decided that was a bit crazy. The latest phase also includes the tremors and muscle twitches.
So... I get home tonight, and I'm tired, and I feel shitty. And it's like I feel too poorly to drink, but I know I feel poorly because I need to drink. It's a horrible position to be in. School starts on the 12th, and this needs to stop.
I am drinking tonight because I had some vodka left and I don't feel like doing withdrawal tonight. I am thinking I may have a few drinks in the day tomorrow. I am going to church in the evening and (I do know this is not logical to a non-alcoholic) it is safer for me to be driving and be out at night if I am not detoxing and going through withdrawal. I just need that tiny bit (a couple bottles of hard cider which is equivalent to 2 beers) to maybe make me feel normal. Then Wednesday no drinks.
Of course, this is currently all talk. I've thought plans like this last week and the week prior to that. Action is what counts. I am just so fucking tired. I cannot handle feeling sick all of the time. I wonder often if I should really be driving or be out in public when I'm sober. I read a website today that talked about one of the detox symptoms as depersonalization or feeling like a spectator watching what's going on.. and that really actually describes what happens some times. Other times I just can't focus. Today wasn't that bad, but there are bad days. Days where I seriously think I should call someone for a ride. That's no ok. I know it's not ok. I feel guilty for that. I feel scared. I am usually fully aware of how wrong the things I am doing are. I am aware, but I feel I have no other choice. I am just so tired.
I honestly feel like I need to get sober or I will not survive this semester. One way or another I will not. I can't. This is not life. I have good times, but lately they are so outweighed by the bad and the sickness and the fear.
Saturday, January 3, 2015
Good things?
I realized tonight I mostly post negative things. Including my post about Christmas. At least, (I don't feel like rereading it) I focus more on that. I thought I'd add the positive stuff. My parents have always gone all out to make holidays and birthdays special. These days I don't think this is a problem, but I think this created some financial problems at some times in the past.
I didn't really know what I wanted this year, and since I was in the hospital early in December, I didn't talk to them until last minute.
My biggest thing was that they gave me some money toward buying a new laptop. My old one still works, but unless it is plugged in, the battery dies in under an hour. So they paid for about half, and I paid the rest. My salary was more this semester than usual, and I managed not to spend it all, so i had some leftover. So this is my cute new laptop. It's a 13 inch screen, which I actually like. I wanted small and light because I want it to be portable
I am such an adult, that my parents gave me a coloring book. I have this odd obsession with skeletons. It started before the eating disorder, and when I started learning spanish in school, it made me a bit fascinated with day of the dead. So I love this book.
This is from my aunt. It's actually my birthday gift. My birthday is in September, but she always sends it with my Christmas gift. She also sent a gift card for Christmas. It's a beautiful scarf. I don't know what to wear it with. I am not a scarf person. She has a good fashion sense. She has sent me lots of jewelry in the past, and if I were to wear a scarf I would wear this.
This will seem odd and probably inappropriate out of context, but I listen to this podcast called Welcome to Nightvale. It is basically a fake newscast about a fake city.. sort of sci-fi. It involves lots of things like secret police, hooded figures, etc.. so this is from their site http://commonplacebooks.com/ I definitely encourage you to listen if you like dark humor.
From my brother. I got a 3DS for my birthday. I also own Rune Factory 1, 2, and 3 for my DS. I have completed 1 and 2. 3 annoyed me enough that I don't think I ever finished it. The goal in all is to finish defeating all the monsters and get married to one of the people in town. I was engaged in 3, but I didn't ever finish the final dungeon and actually marry. So far in 4, I have beat 2 bosses in 2 dungeons. I am hooked on this game.
I also got new very soft pajamas, another tshirt, the gerbil (which was bought after christmas), a new emergency charger for my phone that I don't really understand, and some slipper. A few other things. From friends I got a funny calendar and book and this http://www.stashtea.com/Fred-Friends-Manatea-Infuser/dp/B00B5EE0A6 which I love.
So I am much loved. I love others as well.
My dad I bought a fancy flashlight that I am not sure I can explain it's different uses and I found some of his other gifts like a cheese making gift. My mom I gave a fancy teapot ornament by Wedgwood because she collects teapots. My brother I gave a doctor who book and some nice tea we really like. If you go to Stash tea, the Christmas morning tea is an awesome blend of black and green tea. My mom bought (after I showed her) some infusers for loose tea for my brother and me. So I got him loose leaf tea to go with it. I love this tea. I love Stash tea in general.
So anyway, I had a wonderful and blessed holiday. I have a family that does NOT understand me but does love me anyway. I do see this and understand it. I have friends who love me as well. I see this. In reading what some have posted, I decided this was worth writing about. These people may not be part of my support system. We discussed intimacy in AA today. There was some discussion of someone (some philosopher?) who said that God is the archer, parents are the bow, and children the arrow. The idea being that parents cannot determine where God shoots the arrow. In my case, I also wonder that God cannot control any errors or bends in the bow. I am no direct result of my parents, so I do not blame them. However, I am no direct result direct result of my parents, so I feel no obligation to involve them in fixing me. That has nothing to do with the holidays other than that I have received other presents both material and immaterial from others that also shape my life. I do know that I am much LOVED. I am not always happy about that, but I know it.
I didn't really know what I wanted this year, and since I was in the hospital early in December, I didn't talk to them until last minute.
My biggest thing was that they gave me some money toward buying a new laptop. My old one still works, but unless it is plugged in, the battery dies in under an hour. So they paid for about half, and I paid the rest. My salary was more this semester than usual, and I managed not to spend it all, so i had some leftover. So this is my cute new laptop. It's a 13 inch screen, which I actually like. I wanted small and light because I want it to be portable
It folds to be more easily used to watch videos or used like a tablet (it's touchscreen). It makes my mom so nervous when I fold it, which is part of why I took the photo. I doubt I will use this. I am unsure even about the touchscreen part. It is nice, but it makes me nervous
So I am much loved. I love others as well.
My dad I bought a fancy flashlight that I am not sure I can explain it's different uses and I found some of his other gifts like a cheese making gift. My mom I gave a fancy teapot ornament by Wedgwood because she collects teapots. My brother I gave a doctor who book and some nice tea we really like. If you go to Stash tea, the Christmas morning tea is an awesome blend of black and green tea. My mom bought (after I showed her) some infusers for loose tea for my brother and me. So I got him loose leaf tea to go with it. I love this tea. I love Stash tea in general.
So anyway, I had a wonderful and blessed holiday. I have a family that does NOT understand me but does love me anyway. I do see this and understand it. I have friends who love me as well. I see this. In reading what some have posted, I decided this was worth writing about. These people may not be part of my support system. We discussed intimacy in AA today. There was some discussion of someone (some philosopher?) who said that God is the archer, parents are the bow, and children the arrow. The idea being that parents cannot determine where God shoots the arrow. In my case, I also wonder that God cannot control any errors or bends in the bow. I am no direct result of my parents, so I do not blame them. However, I am no direct result direct result of my parents, so I feel no obligation to involve them in fixing me. That has nothing to do with the holidays other than that I have received other presents both material and immaterial from others that also shape my life. I do know that I am much LOVED. I am not always happy about that, but I know it.
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