Honesty

I know I have not written in a while. I felt like I was just repeating myself. We have been in the new house since August, but they haven't actually finished moving out of the old house. Like Wednesday I got surprised with having to go and take at least a dozen wagons full of branches from the bushes my dad decided to cut down (that were there when they moved in 20+ years ago) but couldn't actually handle the effort. My mom bitched about him all day, so I really don't think anyone can judge me for drinking.

So I went to therapy and said a lot I haven't told her. I mentioned that I had a close friend in high school during my really suicidal time that was in a car accident and had brain damage. I still carry the guilt of only seeing her once in the hospital. I helped paint her nails. She was totally not mentally there. I mentioned it while saying that I listen to music and watch shows repeatedly for comfort. She and her other friend in art class got me hooked on Bright Eyes... Which I have to limit listening to because I associate them with those friends and my plan to kill myself that summer.

Then I basically explained how I read something recently that there's no bad reason to keep living. It is mainly my cats these days. My goal in life is to be a crazy cat lady. I want to rescue animals. I have accepted I probably won't have kids. I actually explained the few guys I dated. One tried to pressure me into making out and made me feel uncomfortable. The second I went on 3 dates and had terrible sex with. Then he never asked me out again. The last one I only saw for sex, and I had to be drunk to do it.. and it was never fun. So I finally decided to give up on dating or sex. I feel empowered that asexual is now a valid sexuality, and it isn't just a symptom of mental illness. I am not opposed to dating, but it's my last priority.

Anyway... It was way more than I have ever shared. It was kind of cathartic. It was proof I am still working on myself. There is so much introspection that is silent and too deep to share, but I told her a lot. I am trying. I am just mainly clinging to any little thing of value in my life because anything is a reason to go on.

But if uploading works, here is my baby boy with a tiny pumpkin. That's a reason to live, right?

The good, the bad, the ugly

I'm sorry I haven't felt like posting. Things have been changing, and I didn't know what to say or if anyone would read it.

So I survived the move. I had to leave my job. I cried because the dogs knew. They were so affectionate and clingy during my last group. One dog kept grabbing me and licking my ears. One dog I love so much wasn't there, so I visited when I was in town for therapy. I gave the dog so many kisses. They didn't act like that was so weird. I did give notice. It's just such a drive.

I survived the move. We're still working on it. My stuff (like 3 boxes) is unpacked. I knew I needed my stuffed Pusheen and the bedding to sleep. It's been almost a week, and I have set the boundary that I will help unpack the other stuff if they tell me what to do.

I am drinking.. I may have paid to get a Lyft to a liquor store. However, today I messaged my ex sponsor.. which is really awkward because probably about 2 years ago she told me she had to give me to god. It was as I was moving home, and it pretty much made me feel toxic. Today, I was sad.. very sad, so I texted her to see if the women's meeting I used to go to is still happening tomorrow.

She said she was happy to hear from me. She goes to another group now but said she would meet me there tomorrow morning. She said she looks forward to seeing me. I have no idea what to say to her tomorrow. There is so much good and bad. I think I will cry because I haven't been back to see anyone from AA in this town for.. I guess years. I didn't realize until after the text that it's been that long. I don't know.. I am crying typing this. I am hoping to maybe make friends nearby. I am also unsure about making my parents drive me there. I just wonder if I still have friends there. I have only had my parents and co-workers for so long. It is hard to think of having friends. That and knowing I can't get alcohol as easily and need to stop... So I am watching Netflix in bed. I do have a TV in my room now, so that's another positive. I will try to update more tomorrow

Also, I have been really honest with my therapist. The goal has honestly been to stay out of the hospital and stay alive. I set little goals like update my resume, pack/unpack, and basically a couple things I can manage. I focus on the positive things and don't really process the rest. I don't know how this will work long term, but it's working

Self care is...

So I am really struggling these days with drinking. I went from occasional binge drinking to drinking pretty much daily, and I am starting to feel the toll it takes on my body. I'm exhausted.. my stomach is upset.. and I have this constant feeling like I am being strangled that I know is a sign of anxiety and sometimes a withdrawal symptom. I don't know how to describe that feeling, but my throat gets really tight. The past couple days I have been nauseous and thrown up repeatedly (when sober) because my stomach doesn't appreciate the alcohol. Then I get nauseous because I am really hungry... it's a fun cycle. I am forcing myself to eat because it won't help to be malnourished on top of this.

So anyway, I have been honest in therapy about everything going on. I don't know if it's actually good or if my sick mind just appreciates it, but my current therapist is very understanding about the drinking being a coping mechanism as well as an addiction. She understands my perspective that it's a lesser evil than the suicidal thoughts and the self harm. She knows that I am struggling to cope with my impending move and not knowing what to do with my life, so we are mostly trying to prevent things getting out of hand. My parents are going to a concert and staying at a hotel after tomorrow night, and I am planning some self care. For me that is not always the stereotypical stuff like facials and spa days. It is allowing myself to drop the act. I keep up a self imposed set of rules to appear to be normal. I don't go to bed before 11 or wake up past 10. I eat meals with my parents and run errands and go to work. I shower at least 5-6 days out of the week and either wash my hair or recently switched to a cleansing conditioner because it does less damage.

Tomorrow the plan is to relax. I ordered food from Whole Foods because my parents hate going there, but as a vegetarian I appreciate that they carry so many brands and products I can't get anywhere else. Field Roast came out with some new products (fake corndogs and fake buffalo wings) that I have been dying to try but only are sold at Whole Foods and I guess some Walmarts (not the ones I have been to). I also bought Halo Top because sometimes ice cream is necessary. My therapist asked today to make sure I am eating, and I am. I just have trouble making myself eat unappealing food, so I am eating what sounds good. Yesterday I drank a non-diet soda because I knew I needed to raise my blood sugar at work but couldn't manage solid food. This is overcoming a major ED rule.. and honestly predates the ED because as a child I was only allowed diet soda too. I just know that low blood sugar only makes things worse. I am going to enjoy trying some new vegan products because I am constantly seeing new veg recipes and products that sound awesome to me but not my omnivore parents. I subscribe to a vegan magazine and that's how I saw ads for these products. I am ordering them because FUCK it I have the money saved up to make a frivolous purchase. I am also going to dye my hair. I have red dye I ordered because my current color faded, and I have the purple semi-permanent color I bought the last time I dyed it but didn't have the energy to try. I am planning either streaks or something similar to the balayage technique people do with highlights (basically painting it on). Hair is one of the few things I feel confident about. I also don't like doing it when my parents are home. In all honesty, I prefer to be able to walk around topless when I dye my hair because I don't want dye on my clothes. I don't get that freedom much.

Besides that.. I plan to drink and go to sleep before 11.. I might sleep on the couch with Netflix on. I am just freaking exhausted. I want to drop the act and sleep. Then the plan is to taper myself off the alcohol before it gets so bad that I have full on withdrawals. I discussed options with my therapist.. limiting what I buy, not taking my wallet to work (I can walk to a liquor store on my lunch break), and buying a worse tasting vodka. The idea is to wean myself off in a way that doesn't cause the horrible insomnia that comes with withdrawal that always leads back to drinking. I finally feel like the consequences are bad enough to motivate me to stop for now. I am not committed to never drinking again. That doesn't feel realistic. I just want to stop doing it everyday. I want to not be physically dependent on it. I also want to look into support groups besides AA. I would not say I am an atheist these days, but God and I are not on speaking terms. My current AA group is really big on God.. the ones that started off agnostic or atheist talk about how they go to church now. My last sponsor told me to pray whether I believed it or not. I do not believe God is the only solution to my problems. I also think that a lot of people I hear had a problem with alcohol or drugs but not preexisting mental health problems. For me not drinking is only a small part of a much larger issue. I cannot be alone in my own head. That leads to all kinds of bad thoughts and urges that don't go away when I'm sober. Alcohol has honestly saved my life so many times because those thoughts go away when I drink. I was very unhappy at points in sobriety, so I do not think working the steps for drinking will fix things. I need to find a way to fix my brain, and AA doesn't do that. I am going to research other programs like Smart Recovery that I have heard is non-religious or maybe groups through NAMI for mental health.. currently I know a man in AA who seriously annoys and offends me that goes to the NAMI groups, so I have to find ones that are somewhere else if I do that because I cannot stand him. He tells these really offensive jokes to people before meetings and he cross-talks and just really bothers me. I just know that I need therapy and mental help to overcome my underlying issues to make the alcohol less necessary. Right now the first step is going to be rest. I am going to try to enjoy myself alone in the house tomorrow and drop the act. I am going to buy products that are vegan because I do actually have strong feelings about eating meat and animal products. I don't have a lot of morals, but I value this. I do not feel I can be an animal lover and eat animals.. I want to give up dairy and eggs but I don't know how to do that living with my parents. They buy most groceries now, so I am staying vegetarian for now. I am trying when I buy things with my own money to support brands that fit my values.. more vegan, more cruelty free. I am going to look into non-spiritual solutions to my NOT spiritual problem. I am going to do my best to cope, and I am ok with that meaning drinking right now. I will try to taper off, but I am happy with anything that keeps me alive. I have to hold out that there is hope.. and honestly my main hope is to be a crazy, vegan cat lady. I want to adopt a bunch of cats and live on my own and go vegan. I want to adopt old cats that can't find homes. I want to acknowledge that I don't think I care about having a human partner. My dad sometimes jokes about how the term asexual is not really a sexuality/identity and just a life choice. I love that people are trying to make not having sex and not having relationships a lifestyle and not a mental illness. I am not saying I am asexual.. I don't really know, but I only have dated and had sex because society views it as normal. I put myself in some awkward situations because I felt I should be interested in men. Now I don't think having a husband or children is likely for me, but I want to give animals a home. I want to take homeless animals and give them however many happy years they have left. I don't know if I would foster them or just adopt them and be the stereotypical crazy cat lady.. I'm cool with that. I can hope for that. I don't hope for a normal family. I just want independence and a happy existence.

So this has been a lot of rambling, but I am so caught up in my head these days with no one to talk to. I have so many goals and dreams that are out of my reach right now because of finances. I have to hold onto every little thing I can do that fits these dreams.. be it dyeing my hair or buying vegan corndogs... I do not make enough to live alone right now, so I have to do whatever I can to be happy. My whole point with this was that self care isn't always a spa day.. it's doing what doesn't exhaust your soul. It's doing things that make you cling to life and hope and not think about death. Existence is different when you have a mental illness, and that's ok.. my goals are very different than a lot of people.. but I can celebrate my accomplishments. I am still so far from my worst, but I am still far from my best. I cling to the idea that I can do good in this world because for so long I have had no goals. I will live to be a crazy cat lady (or maybe dog lady) and imagine sleeping in a bed with a whole bunch of animals that love me and whose lives I have saved. Fuck humans.. I honestly feel more at home with animals.

So yeah.. sorry I don't update often if anyone still reads this. I am just trying to survive. Forgive my ramblings, but I don't have much outlet for this anymore..

Mental block

So I have been posting on Instagram the past few days because it honestly (and this sounds stupid) has been so important in my recovery the past few months. Blogger really was before, but it's been less active, so I have been relying on Instagram and some unhealthy ED related sites. It allows me to see actual people living with mental health problems.. because so much talks about recovering from eating disorders or depression and not living with chronic mental health problems. My issues.. I am not likely to recover from any time soon. It's shown me, other adults have to live with their parents. Other people celebrate the little accomplishments because they aren't little for everyone. I have managed to change my mentality to see people living with eating disorders, and I can see how many ways I have changed in my recovery. I mean.. I spent years only eating vanilla yogurt because when the bulimia started that flavor was slightly lower in calories than the fruit ones.. so I absolutely convinced myself I preferred it. Then in treatment they gave us vanilla (albeit a much higher calorie brand). Now.. I buy whatever I want. My dad is on a diet and doing what I consider some disordered things like measuring the granola he eats in the morning. I see the measuring cup on the counter. I work a very active job right now, so I buy a yogurt that is NOT nonfat.. like one with a freaking layer of caramel on the bottom.. or sprinkles. I pour the granola in.. or take a handful. If I am still hungry.. I ate a taco before work yesterday to make sure I was ok for work. I get up in the middle of the night and eat if I am hungry. This is a level of recovery I couldn't dream of for years and seeing people in other stages reminds me of that.

In terms of depression and alcoholism, I am not that far. I am struggling. The positive is that in a year and 3 months, I have not been hospitalized. In a year and like 8 months, I have not attempted suicide. Those are big things. In like 10 years.. that's the longest I have been out of the hospital. I was reminded in a conversation with a coworker yesterday because we were talking about medications of how much damage was done in those last few hospital stays. In november 2017, the doctor (for reasons he didn't even really explain) put me on 300mg of Seroquel twice a day even though I am NOT bipolar or psychotic.. he also took me off my antidepressant.. I don't even know. I was like the walking dead for over a year until I got a doctor to take me down to 200mg of Seroquel for sleep and 2 antidepressants. On a good day, I have energy. Today.. not so much.. but I have personality and a sense of humor. I could easily do something stupid and go to the hospital and get to sleep and escape, but I would have to undo the damage later. I would rather try to work with my doctor next week to make live manageable in the real world.

What I was talking about with my therapist today was this complete mental block I have involving my education and my career. When I was working on my Masters degree, my alcoholism started.. and my depression got horrible. I finished all my courses.. I actually made good grades. When I was trying to focus and write my professional paper (basically a literature review in lieu of a thesis), I kept going into the hospital.. with the alcoholism I could barely remember what I had read or written each time I got out. It was like each time i had to start over. Then, I went through ECT. That's pretty much how i lost the job I loved.. I explained that unofficially, I lost it because of my drinking. I acknowledge that, but the performance improvement plan I was put on was only when I admitted to undergoing ECT and having severe anxiety about my short term memory because of it. I was so afraid I would forget about a policy update or an email. Between the alcohol and ECT, there's about a year I have very patchy memory of. I am still doubtful of my brain and my memory. Every time I can't remember a dog's name at work, I worry that my brain is damaged. I mean.. I can remember stupid little details and conversations I have had. I know it isn't that I can't remember anything. I just worry that my brain isn't what it was. That's why I am scared to look for science jobs. I view myself as damaged. I don't have the focus or attention span I did, but that might just be because I have been unchallenged. Outside of the hospital, I don't read books.. I don't read science journals. Honestly.. I am impressed that I have downloaded multiple phone games and a computer game because before I just blankly stared at Pinterest without even focusing my eyes. I am trying.. but I am so afraid to find out I can't do what I was doing.

So why is this coming up.. it's a whole lot of things at once. Basically, my parents are talking about buying a house. I have checked finally (awkwardly) that I can still live with them when they do.. but they are talking about moving much further than I thought. It's rather too far to be worth moving for the job I am at.. like I am not being paid enough to move out at the moment. Why would I drive that far for this? Except that these people have been so nice and understanding about my struggles.. and I love the dogs. I just want to be independent. My goals are so low right now.. financial independence and my own place. I can't get there without a second job or a different job. My parents moving is putting pressure on me sooner than I expected. I haven't mentally processed all this. I don't want to make an impulsive decision. I can't just quit this job since it gives me insurance. So I have to think about change. Currently, I am contemplating either veterinary technician certification or some kind of medical laboratory tech certification (there's multiple and I have to find out which ones hospitals look for). Both involve more school but maybe online.. both pay better and would probably be more consistent hours. Both require more of me than my current job and life. Today I am exhausted and have had 3 cans of pepsi max and am just trying to stay out of bed.. so it's hard to think about anything. It became so obvious explaining this to my therapist that all this is what's making it hard to sleep. My sleep deprived brain wants a way out (which is usually escapist and suicidal), and I silence it with Grey's Anatomy and Welcome to Nightvale. I need to think about it. I should probably set some higher goals for myself than just making it to 11pm before going to bed. There's just such a wall there. It is so hard to explain to those without mental illness how anxiety goes from fear to an almost physical wall that prevents you from doing things. After that 2 day mental break from work, it was what made my heart race and my hands shake when I went back.. further than that, it becomes chest pains. It becomes this feeling I am being strangled. I set my goals low because it was almost crippling before I moved home. I have made progress, but I need to get further if I want to move out. I want to move out so I can have an apartment where I can walk around in my underwear or naked.. so I can sleep in the afternoon.. so I can eat whatever the fuck I want. I can go vegan. That's a big motivation. I have to remind myself of that when that wall pops up... so my goal is to look into these certifications. Not to do it.. because one step at a time. I just have to look. I will remind myself how I want to be a crazy old, naked, vegan cat lady in my own place.. I can get cats like they're an impulse buy and love them with all my heart. I can have conversations with them like the little assholes they are.. I can only wear clothes when it's cold or I have to go outside. I can try all the crazy, plant based recipes I see that I know my parents won't touch. I can do so much.. I just have to get past this wall.

Learning to see the accomplishments

So I only have 20 minutes before leaving for work, but I am trying not to disappear for weeks at a time like I have been. Things aren't exactly good, but I am trying to see both positive and negative. N

Negatives.. I have been drinking.. first vodka then rubbing alcohol. I am so tired I can barely function. I spent 4 hours in bed yesterday just watching Greys Anatomy on Netflix because I couldn't function. I also vomited repeatedly because rubbing alcohol is terrible on my stomach.

Positives.. I finally asked my mom if I could still live with them if they buy a house. It was super awkward, but I asked. She said yes.. like I think in her mind it was implied that I could still live there. I also explained a little about the issue of how I'm not making a living wage at this job and have no idea what I want to do next. I tried to play it off as maybe if we move, I will find motivation to change jobs. Still.. that's one less fear.

I just honestly am so depressed I can barely function. I have had a cup of coffee and a Pepsi Max to try to make it through work. I honestly thought about calling in sick and then getting a hotel room to sleep in for 7 hours, but I won't. I can do this.

Also, positive.. I got my mom an awesome mother's day gift. It's a Fujifilm Instax (think like polaroid) camera for when they travel. I can't convince myself to spend money on clothes or anything practical, but I can spend on gifts..

I plan to take an extra Seroquel tonight and try to sleep off whatever this slump is. I am living with my mental illness right now and not dying from it.

Feeling selfish

I fully understand that I have no right to be upset about this or anything really. I just also am exhausted and not sleeping well and my mental health is questionable at best. But anyway...

My parents are basically buying my brother a car. A used car.. and I guess he is going to pay them back eventually. His car is an old one that they actually gave him when my dad bought a newer one. It's falling apart and they decided rather than pay for the repairs to buy a cheap used car to replace it, so he has a reliable car to get to work.

I am frustrated because it just brings up all the thoughts and feelings of hopelessness. I have been working for 7 months and I don't have enough to buy a car. I would never ask my parents to help given I wrecked the last car. I also owe my parents thousands for rent and bills they helped with when I was unemployed. I just know I can't live on what I make right now, and I can't really look for a better job until I have a car because I don't want my parents to have to drive me further. I also don't know if I can handle another job. I get so anxious thinking about the possibility of having tons wake up early because I struggle to get up by 10 these days.

Then I have the anxiety that my parents are looking at houses because they are planning to buy a house this year. I can't bring myself to ask if I can still stay with them if I haven't sorted out a better job or figured out how to support myself by then. I don't know how to voice any of this fear to them because I don't think they will understand. I also have so much guilt about how I ended up in this situation. I don't know how to explain how lost I feel.

So I am scared and a little angry. I just want a break from people, so I can stop pretending that I am fine. I don't want to hear about my brother's car. I don't want to look at pictures of the houses my parents might buy that I don't know if I can live in.. that I don't really want to live in. I want out. I am not ready to be on my own, but this isn't a healthy place for me. I feel like if I can't get all my shit together, why try? For now I am just trying to shut out the thoughts.

Brief update

I will update on how today went since if you read my last post I was very worried about it. Honestly, it was about as good as I could expect. I kept my job. Honestly only the one supervisor who I had vented to both days I went home is the only one who asked about it. She asked if I was doing better and had gotten enough sleep. I kind of laughed and said better but not sleeping well. I think I was a bit bitter because the last 2 nights I have had awful nightmares. Including one that was like a nightmare inside another nightmare where I was trying to sleep and having dreams about being at work and being attacked by dogs and all sorts of bad scenarios, then I would seemingly wake up in my bed screaming or fall out of bed. I only know it's a dream because I know I would actually have woken my parents and gotten a response if i screamed. In the dream, it just kept happening. Last night.. I don't really remember the dreams but they were bad and repeatedly woke me up. Anyway, so I otherwise just kept working, and I ordered pizza for everyone because it makes me feel better about being an awful person. Then later I went up front and the 2 assistant managers and my supervisor were all there.. having a very odd conversation that had nothing to do with work or me. When it finally stopped, I said quietly to the supervisor that the real answer is I am doing better and my parents are home from vacation so I am safe. It seemed to click that I had mentioned that they were going out of town before all this. I didn't really elaborate on why that's such a problem.. but I think it was a better answer. I honestly just wanted to say that I'm safe, which is not 100% true... but I don't want them worried. I mean I am as safe as before.. and as safe as usual. My parents being around gives me the primarily self imposed idea that I have to keep up appearances. That means sleeping at normal hours, eating normal meals, and being social and talkative and reasonably happy (that's the part that's self  imposed). It also means there is someone in the house that would be upset if I went through with any of the elaborate plans my head comes up with. I mean I know on some level they would be upset even if they were in California and came home to find out I died or was missing, but when the thoughts are bed it only helps to know that they are in the house. They will notice much sooner if I disappear (since all the current plans tend to involve running away so they don't find my body in their house). 

From there, the day was only stressful in normal ways. I did get asked once if I was OK when I sat down at a table with someone else who was not present for me breaking down and going on about how depressed and exhausted I was.. but she's a supervisor and would surely know that I left those days. She may just have been asking because I looked tired, but I don't know. The other time was when I showed them (actually I guess both her and the manager asked this time) the long scratch I now have on my face from the dog. At that point, I think they have to ask in case I decide to sue or something over a superficial scratch. I got smacked in the face by a golden retriever.. it's not the first time I've been hit by a dog.. it was just annoying. But I survived the day with no other comments. I work again tomorrow with different people, so I am still worried about comments. I just feel better because I assume if I was being fired they would have done it or said something today. I just hope I can sleep tonight without any nightmares. 

Sorry that wasn't as brief as planned

Mental breakdown

So I haven't posted in forever. I have been slowly going downhill. I feel like my life is going nowhere because I can't afford a car or an apartment. I probably will need to change jobs to be able to. I can't figure out what I am even capable of.

Then my parents left town. I drank the first day. The second day I went to work, and I was just too tired and depressed. I opened up about it when my supervisor asked how I was doing. I said I needed a mental health day. They let me go home, and I just spent the day in bed drinking and occasionally trying to eat. I was so suicidal, and I was just laying there thinking of calling a crisis line. I could barely get out of bed. I couldn't eat more than a few bites before it was exhausting. I guess I slept.

I went to work the next day and ended up going home. I basically said if I could go without getting fired, I needed to leave. My supervisor let me and asked someone to drive me. I said I didn't need a ride and made an excuse. I really needed to go to the liquor store. I bought 2 more bottles and took Lyft home. I stayed in bed crying.

I am not scheduled again until tomorrow. I am seriously hoping they don't fire me. I have only gone home sick once in 7 months before this, and some people call in almost weekly. I am managing to stay out of bed since my parents came back. Mentally, I am still very bad. My job keeps me going. I want to just go back and not talk about it. I want my parents not to ask anything if they noticed. I want to pretend it's ok because that's the only way I can function. My parents would blame it all on alcohol, but I have been suicidal off and on for weeks. I just am struggling to function and alcohol drowns the thoughts. I couldn't keep fighting without a break. I guess I will update tomorrow with what happens. I will tell them I am ok now and safe. That's mostly true. Then I will fake ok and safe

Too crazy for this world?

Do you ever really wonder if you were meant to be? Like were you a mistake? As a scientist, I know a huge percentage of fertilized embryos have genetic mutations that make them inviable and they don't ever make it to birth. Are there people who somehow make it to birth that are not suited to life?

I seriously have been contemplating some deep issues lately.. good and bad. The bad being that I'm pretty suicidal. Still at the thought stage and just hypothetical, but I am really questioning my desire to keep going. I am also contemplating a lot about why people are so bothered by human deaths unrelated to them.. like murder or the death of strangers. I understand why people close to us would be sad, but in general why is the death of one in billions so important? I won't get into the whole line of thought there because it gets awfully dark and cynical. I think I am just questioning my own existence and my need to stay alive for others. I mean I cannot exist without chemicals to alter my thinking, so why waste time and resources on me?

But I am wondering if there's a possibility of finding something I am good at. Because my dog was really shy when we got her, my thing at work is finding those shy/scared dogs and getting them to like me. Lately, I am identifying way more with animals than people. I think (I am getting very out there with this thinking) animals/pets are so similar to people in the mental healthcare system.. they are fully functional beings thrown into a world that doesn't understand them. They speak a different language, so they're confused and scared. People get upset if they're hostile and trying to protect themselves. They expect them to act normal and loving and fit a certain idea of behavior. I see them as trying to adapt to a probably very difficult life. We get animals that spent lots of their lives in shelters and with little contact with others, so they don't get all social situations. We have one who was never left alone (always with her mom or other family member) so is totally anxious and neurotic if left alone for even a few minutes.. But they're loving, feeling creatures. People just don't try to help because they only worry about themselves. This all kind of touches on my current ethical crisis about wanting to go vegan and speciesism. I wonder if what will make happy is working with animals that are hurting. There are dog trainers and behaviorists that help rescued dogs become happy dogs. I just know I don't really want to be a therapist for people, which is what everyone with mental health issues seems to decide to be. I find happiness and relief for myself when I can stop and press my forehead to the head of a dog or a cat or sit in their room and they sit with me because it is amazing to find ways to communicate across species barriers. I talk to them because I know they can't understand the majority of the words but the sound and tone can be soothing (as someone who doesn't cope well with silence) and it helps me to talk. I would never grab them and hug them when they're scared because that isn't something they find comforting. I hate people who want to hug me when I am in crisis when I want to curl up in a ball and be alone. I don't know.. I see something there. I just don't know how to make that my life. I don't know how to live long enough to have a life at this point. I am just trying to find moments of meaning in a world that seems just fine without me.

Therapy and stopping the downward spiral

So the big new thing recently is I started therapy again. Previously, I was getting some help through a government funded service.. that's where I had IOP and got meds and had a case worker. Honestly, I saw a case worker for one on one therapy for maybe 30 minutes every couple weeks. My second case worker also cancelled a few of those appointments, so I hadn't seen her in a while. Well, getting insurance means I no longer qualify for those services. I found a psychiatrist pretty quickly because I was so unhappy with how my medications had been handled. I am not entirely happy with the new person because the appointments have been very short and not very in depth, but she did what I wanted with my meds which is reduce and then eliminate the Lithium and put me on the extended release Wellbutrin because I had stopped taking my evening dose because it messed with my sleep and I couldn't remember to take it in the afternoon (and as an attempt to feel more normal honestly). I think as long as I am doing pretty well, this person seems fine. I just am not sure how she will handle if things get complicated and changes need to be made.

I procrastinated on finding a therapist because it is so hard starting over with no recommendations. I could probably have gone back to my last one and just paid for it, but I am not sure that's a good idea because honestly I got to my worst while seeing her and she was pretty tolerant of me being in a really bad place. I just don't think we were making any progress. I picked someone kind of at random that takes my insurance, and I think I like her. I went the first time and pretty much had to explain my whole history and all my issues. I kind of based my opinion of her on her reactions to what I said. Like she understood how I progressed from one thing to another. She agreed when I said that it's all the same addictive thinking but has manifested in different behaviors. She was pretty shocked by some of what was done with my medications in the hospital. I tried to explain how I have been diagnosed bipolar or had borderline mentioned but it was usually based on my behavior in the hospital, and I go pretty crazy when in that environment. Plus, the doctors don't like if you disagree with them (like I explained the doctor putting me on two mood stabilizers at once and me making him try just one at a time). They treat me as argumentative because really I have always been taught I need to advocate for myself with doctors. Anyway, it seemed like she understood.

Since the first session, I have been going downhill. Behavior wise.. not so terrible. A few times drinking rubbing alcohol (yes I know that's bad) at night because the depression just reached that level that I can't tolerate. The kind where it is almost a physical effort not to react and do something impulsive. It of course leads to terrible headaches and feeling sick the next day, so I haven't been doing it all the time. Mostly my thinking is in a really bad place. I just am frustrated that I have a decent amount of money in the bank now (like $4,000), but I can't really do much with it. I don't have enough to get a car yet. I don't want to apply for a loan because of the bankruptcy. Plus, I am honestly concerned how my parents will react if I talk about buying one because that will mean having a lot more freedom to buy alcohol or drink. At this point, I probably would do that if I had the slightest chance. I can't really move out without having transportation, and I am not sure yet if I am making enough money to afford rent on an apartment on top of like doctors, medication, and therapy.. add in food and transportation. It might not be enough. I am not ready to look for another job. I am just getting settled in here, and honestly I don't know what I want to do. I don't know what I can do. The last couple years of the drinking combined with ECT really effected my short term memory, and it is way better now.. but I don't know how much of the knowledge from school I have retained.. I still doubt myself a lot. Like I have to check that I texted the right person after I sent it. I have to check when I sent things and that I did. I have to check my work schedule everyday to make sure I am remembering it correctly. So I have no idea what I plan to do. None of it is achievable yet, but I am feeling very stuck and trapped where I am. That leads to thoughts of running away to a hotel because I have money to stay a week or two and drink myself to death. I think about if I tell my parents or leave a note.. do I just commit suicide immediately or drink for a while and just shut off my phone so no one can reach me? Would I actually die or end up in the hospital and with everything in my life ruined? With my luck I probably wouldn't die. They'd find me or I'd have second thoughts and ask for help. It feels very hopeless.

I have explained this whole line of thinking to my therapist at our second appointment. We talked about how I have never really had goals or dreams for a job or anything in the future. I just did what seemed logical. I fully expected to end up working a job that hopefully would be tolerable and allow me to live comfortably. I just hoped I would find fulfillment in something else. Of course, that didn't work. I found jobs and tried school but basically couldn't tolerate myself and escaped through bulimia and drinking. So now I am 32, and I don't know what to do with myself. I know right now if I was independent, I would drink because drinking sounds better than anything else. We explored the origins of my negative thinking.. basically meaning I explained how I come from a family of pessimists. I have a brother that is an underachiever, probably because of a fear of failure and lack of directions. My mom complained daily about her job. She still tells stories about it now that she's retired. My dad just doesn't talk about his.. he goes everyday and comes home and says his day was fine. He can be a workaholic, but he just was never talkative. So I didn't grow up with an excellent view of working life, and combine that with the fact that I have never expected to live very long.. I never had dreams. So I am supposed to be practicing positive thinking. In reality, I am mostly just trying not to do anything stupid to sabotage things. I keep hoping this mood will pass.

I don't know when I will ever reach a point where I don't want to drink. I am only mostly avoiding it out of fear and lack of opportunity. Any freedom, and it starts again. I think about it constantly. I am still going to AA, but I find it almost painful to sit and listen. I just refuse to believe that God is the answer to this. I refuse to believe that a spiritual solution is the only one. I believe this is a mental illness with probably physical, genetic, and biochemical origins.. combined with all the environmental factors that led to my low self esteem and self hate. I just don't know how to fix any of that. Anti-craving meds have never helped me because my cravings are more mental/thought based than physical. I have tried several. Therapy.. I don't know. Rehabs and detox usually push the 12 steps as the solution. They don't really spend much time trying to figure out how we became addicts and what we need to fix in ourselves that we can't tolerate. So I don't know. I just keep hoping my parents will leave town, so I can binge. That would fix this mood. Temporarily.. but still. I don't have another solution at the moment. I am just existing.

New Year

It was pointed out that I haven't written in a while. I just wanted to check in. I feel like now that things are not a constant crisis, I don't know what to write about. I am stuck in just an endless cycle of work and exhaustion. Before work, I am focused on minimizing stress and saving energy for work. I am worrying about work. I dream about work. Last night it was a dream that I bitched to my supervisor about how another coworker who is driving me crazy. Then I come home at night, and I don't have energy left to do anything. I eat dinner and watch TV, and really just kill time until I can go to bed. I just look forward to going to bed and watching Netflix and going to sleep. I have no desire to do anything.. I feel like I should read or draw or do anything, but I seriously just play games on my phone and scroll through Pinterest.

So in reality, I think I am struggling with depression. It's just not the suicidal crisis kind of depression.. it's the kind where I can't sleep because I'm worried and feel exhausted if I don't get 9 hours of sleep. I have no interest in anything. My happiness pretty much only comes from my interactions with animals. I am so over people, but when a dog rests their head on me.. or gives me a kiss. That feels nice. My coworkers.. make me feel very aware of my social anxiety and of the awkwardness of my situation. Like my supervisor asked where I worked before this, and I told her. She seemed shocked and asked why I left the lab, and I was silent for a second trying to decide how much was ok to tell her. I ended up just saying mental health stuff. Then there was an awkward conversation where 2 coworkers (who are like 17 and 19) were discussing being hospitalized for depression in high school. I kind of said I had been to that hospital, but I didn't elaborate. I realize I have this tendency to brag (although maybe not the right word) about hospitalizations. It comes from that competition in hospital to make it seem justified that you're there. People insist on sharing how many times they've been in hospital or attempted suicide or what drugs they've done and everything. I tend to get defensive because patients will try to imply you're not as bad. I had to remind myself that work is not somewhere I need or should compete about this. But yeah.. it's awkward.

I worry because I don't know what the future holds. I am just saving my money because I am ashamed to spend it, but I don't know what I am saving for.. a car? an apartment? None of it seems achievable in the near future, so I am just saving. I know I am not mentally well enough to live alone. I am functioning, but I want with every fiber of my being to go back to drinking. I should probably be looking for a therapist, but I hate the idea of sacrificing my limited time off on therapy that probably won't help.. I mean I have done therapy. I don't know what will fix this. I am not ready or willing to consider the whole God thing again. I go to AA a couple times a week, and I force myself to sit there. I don't believe that's the only solution, and I am not willing enough to try it. I guess things aren't bad enough right now for me to want change.

So it's another year, and I am going nowhere. I am mildly scared now because my parents are talking about moving and buying a house sometime in the next year.. and I have a (probably irrational) fear they will not want me in the new house or buy a house too small to let me live there. So again.. I am saving money. I am waiting for it all to fall apart. I have no dreams or goals or resolutions. I am stuck in this daily cycle and that is all I have energy for. Writing all this has me slightly more depressed, so I am off to pinterest to ignore my troubles.
I hope your New Year is going better...