Yesterday and today I have decided I have decided that instead of attempting to be productive at home with so many distractions and with alcohol always present, I will work at school. It feels a bit ridiculous sitting in a computer lab at school reading articles and applying for jobs. The computers are there for graduate student research, so I am using them as they should be. I can say it's to avoid distractions. The truth is that if I am home there is this war in my head about when it is ok to drink. Is it 3? 4? 5? I am sleeping more than 12 hours a night. I get up at 12 or 1. I eat breakfast at 2 or 3.
Now, I go from breakfast to school. I sit there until 5:30-5:45 and I go to AA. Today I went to AA and walked out. It was all about people getting better. About all these wonderful things AA brings.
I on the other hand am terribly lonely. I go to AA. I have several woman's phone numbers, but I really can't imagining telling them everything in my head. It's all things they can't fix. Depression, self destructive thoughts, suicidal thoughts. I don't see the happy ending people talk about. I haven't even told my friends all this. I have so few anyway. I have 2 that live near me. 3 more I ever speak to. I have told nothing to my parents. I am so ashamed not to have a job. I feel I should have looked sooner, should have looked harder. I feel like a failure when I talk to them.
It's really not surprising I drink to shut this all out. It feels so hopeless
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