So this is the story.. I typed out this long entry the other day and decided it was pointless, so I'll go with this.

This semester I took 2 classes. One was on electron microscopy.. it was simultaneously very cool and VERY annoying because the teacher is crazy. Like the class is over, but she still thinks we should be looking to publish an article over the class. We all know this is nuts, but nobody will tell her.

Anyway, that's not the relevant one. I am also taking an online statistics course. I took the first half in the fall, and just finished the 2nd this semester. I have known for a while that my memory is shit. It started probably a year or so after I started drinking. This semester, since I go out of rehab, it is noticeably worse. I have to write a lot of stuff down, even little stuff. Like my parents and I will decide to see a movie, and when the time comes I'm too embarrassed to say I don't remember what we're seeing. With classes it didn't seem quite so bad. I can remember facts/subjects well enough to teach them. I can apparently manage a B in statistics. It's more about everyday things and conversations (which is complicated by the fact that when I drink I have super realistic dreams about things like conversations or getting an email)

Well, I scheduled my statistics final (we take them on campus) for last Thursday. I started studying the week before, but I did most of the studying tuesday and wednesday. I can remember the previous week having a conversation with my mom and a friend about how it was really unfair to be going into the final without the grade for the 3rd exam. I saw my therapist after the final and said I didn't know how I was doing without that grade. The online grades for this class were poorly managed. Assignments only showed up when they were graded, rather than classes that have the whole list but only grades by those that are done.

Grades were due Monday, so I sat down Monday to look at my grades. The final exam grade was posted by the afternoon. I kept looking at it thinking I only see 2 other exams. It wouldn't make sense to have the final exam posted before the 3rd exam. I looked back at the syllabus, and then went back through the material for each week and saw that there was no 3rd exam. My mind invented a third exam. I vaguely remembered taking it, but I've taken all exams in the same room this semester, so that probably mixed it up. I can remember looking online and checking my email waiting for the grade. I texted my friend about this and completely lost it. Like sobbing and suicidal. It took a while to stop crying because my friend had asked about treatment and I was explaining how it wasn't possible.

I did finally settle down, and I managed a B in the class. It is still upsetting me that instead of just forgetting something, my brain honestly invented something that hadn't happened. They say alcohol causes brain damage (though my therapist says this is very reversible) and I have been thinking about that a ton lately. I'm forgetting stuff. I'm imagining stuff. Then tonight I was cooking dinner at a friend's house (which is a different issue) and it took much longer than it should have because it is very hard to cut and onion or chicken when your hands are shaking. When we went to serve it, I ended up asking my friend to do it because my hands were shaking too much. She said she had noticed. I told her about the tremors. I said I'm honestly not drinking more than I have for a while, but I guess it's finally catching up to me (?). I thought driving home of emailing and asking if I decide to stop (and I feel like I'll reach that point soon) if I can stay with her and her husband. I really don't want to go into the hospital to detox. I think I have some librium which is the med they give for withdrawal, but you're not supposed to do this alone. Some of the withdrawal stuff is serious: hallucinations, seizures, confusion. Maybe I'd be best off staying with someone and it is definitely not going to be my parents.. anyway..that's how things are. Expect and update soon about my other crazy friends