This week

This week has been crazy. Not actually as crazy as some, but it's been hard. I saw my psychiatrist tuesday, and all he did pretty much is give me something for anxiety and the tremors and recommend an inpatient program. I said I was concerned about even having a job for the summer and he said something like "If this goes on, you may not need a job." It bothered me because I see the alcoholism as awful and harmful to my life.. I don't think of it as something that will kill me. I do have this nagging thought that I should see my doctor and get bloodwork to check my liver, but I haven't because my schedule is crazy. Anyway, it was hard listening to him mention an inpatient/residential program when I really don't think it's possible. Even with my fairly good insurance, it would probably be a couple thousand dollars and I am looking for a job to even pay my rent this summer.

My therapist wasn't much help. She has this thing she uses that has to do with colors of light. I don't remember what it's called, and I really only let her do it if I don't want to talk. The thing is that it's fucking weird. There's a chart that's basically a rainbow.. but if I stare at it suddenly yellow and orange disappear and I just see red. There's a light box which frustrates me terrible because the damn color won't stay still. It changes or moves or whatever. She kept saying things I said made sense, and I don't see how that's helpful. Well, there was some color (blue or purple I think) where I kept seeing this red ring around the color (the light is a circle). It was really pretty, and I said that. She asked what I thought it meant.. and honestly I just thought it was pretty, but I said she probably thought it reminded me of blood. I was annoyed because it didn't remind me of that. I have just been in therapy long enough to know she'd think of cutting.

Well, the crazy started after that. I left and checked my phone and had a text from my crazy bipolar pregnant friend that she had been to the hospital about some problem that didn't turn out to be bad news about the baby, and that she didn't know what to do about my  other friend (lets call her L) because she was distraught. I asked if she'd talked to her or was with her, and she said L wasn't replying to her messages. She sounded upset so I offered to go back. My therapist is 30-40 miles from where I live, so I drove back. I was pretty close to home when I got a text from L replying to something I'd asked her about going to lunch. Well, I was less than 10 miles from home and with traffic, it was too late to drive back and see my parents (who live near where I see my therapist).

Well, I go to my friend (we'll call her B) because I figure with the hospital she could still use company. It was ok until L did come over. and OMG it turned into such annoying drama. I listened to them talk about L's exboyfriend telling a friend that she kissed that friend's boyfriend while drunk and all the drama that caused. Then I listened to them basically talk about how society is screwed up and people don't try to work on relationships they just look for someone better. L was saying how maybe she should just have a kid with some random because she was getting too old (she's 30). B was saying she was probably too old to find someone to marry (she's 29). I tried to mention a few cases where people above those ages got married, and B said that was just 1 person. At like 8PM L invited us to her place for dinner. I said I needed to go home. Honestly, I was tired but mostly I knew if I listened much more, I would say something mean or unnecessary. I went home and got drunk. It was a pretty bad night. I get this sort of depression that's almost surreal. I feel alone and scared and like everything in the world is wrong.. and it's hard to describe, but I end up with this desperation to make it go away. I ended up taking a couple Klonopin in addition to the alcohol and forcing my cat to cuddle with me. I always end up trying to narrow the world down to something safe.. it worked ok, but it's a scary feeling. It becomes really tempting to just overdose on meds. I am bad about stockpiling old meds that I don't need. Anyway, it was ok, but I really am not sure how I'm going to get through the drama with B and L without doing something self destructive. I try to be so supportive, but it's really hard to try to help them while they ignore my problems. I'm giving all this advice and support while I'm drinking 10-14 shots of vodka a night and having tremors in my hands and all kinds of problems with my memory because of the alcohol.

Sorry for typos. I'm quite drunk