So I had this panicked moment yesterday that because my parents were coming to look at my car, they might come up to my apartment to wash their hands. This should not cause panic. Even I see that even as an alcoholic, bulimic, cutter this shouldn't cause panic.. but as and alcoholic and a bit as a cutter my apartment was awful. My back hurts today (I am honestly counting on nobody reading this to make this ok to say) because I took out 4 bags of trash yesterday. I have a couple left to be taken out. They are mostly food or drink related. I can't remember the last time I actually cooked a meal in my apartment. I exist of frozen foods, takeout, and I will occasionally cook pasta. Honestly, I've started even cooking pasta in the microwave. I use paper plates and bowls. I use plastic utensils. I do reuse these when possible. I have actual plates and bowls and silverware. Even after cleaning I'm not sure where some of it is. I may have thrown some out rather than dealing with it.

This is one thing that to me makes the alcoholism real. This is something I do not describe to people. I don't ask them to visit my apartment, and I don't mention how I eat/live. I mean.. I bathe regularly. I eat at least one actual meal (although it may be frozen/microwaved). I feed my cats and give them fresh water and attention. I take my meds. I am doing what is necessary, but the rest is a mess.

Thankfully, my parents didn't come into my apartment yesterday. I must say it almost looks unnatural how clean my kitchen is. There are no empty vodka bottles or empty juice bottles since I drink that after to keep the vodka down. There is lots to be done, but it looks different. Things being at all clean makes me realize how bad things have been, and I try not to think about it.

My psychiatrist wants me looking at rehab. I am instead looking for jobs. He doesn't understand that even with the insurance I have from school (I'm a teaching assistant and have actually decent insurance) residential or inpatient treatment would cost a lot. Inpatient/residential gets a bit complicated, but it would end in me owing at least $1000 which is a lot given what I make, after taxes, is close to poverty level. I get student loans, but all I have left is about a thousand and that has to hold me until I find a summer job. I cannot afford treatment. I'm rambling and I'm drunk (~14 shots of vodka), so I'll let this be all.